So She Fell
by Amme Moto
Summary: Sometimes it's not about who we were, who we are, or who we're going to be. It's not about past-guilt, disgust or nausea. Sometimes, when cruel words are said and wounds are made, it's about the fear of making up. Rejection is a powerful deterrent.
1. Fine Again

**So She Fell**

**Chapter One: Fine Again**

"_Everything's gonna be fine… One day too late. I'm in hell."_

**XXXXX**

She slumped against the center computer inside the main hold, falling to her knees and hiding her head inside her arms. Her shoulder shook with silent sobs, which scared the crew more than the fact that she was slumping at all. Connan _never _cried.

Not that Connan was paying attention to the feelings of her crew. All she could hear was her own voice, ringing through her head, screaming _lies they all lied to me why did they lie they shouldn't have lied liar liar liar liar liar!_

"Where's Bastila?" Jolee asked. "What happened on that ship?"

Carth huffed, resting his arms on his knees and breathing steadily. "We ran into Malak. He would have killed us, but Bastila sacrificed herself so we could get away."

_More lies. I seemed to be doing pretty well before Bastila showed up._

Mission gasped. "You mean she's—she's dead?"

Jolee scoffed. "Bah. Malak won't kill her, don't be foolish. He'll want to use her Battle Meditation against the Republic. Turn her to the Dark Side and the Sith will always be victorious."

…_..That's true._

"We'll just have to get her back as soon as possible, then." Canderous replied.

"Wait. Not so fast." Carth stated. He stood up straight, and Connan could feel his eyes burning into her scalp, even as she tried her hardest to hide her face. "They deserve to know the truth about you. Do _you _want to tell them what Malak said, or should I?"

Connan sprang up onto her feet, backing up against the wall. If the crew had been frightened to see her cry, they were even more so now that they had a good look at her red-rimmed and puffy eyes. "Why?" She spat. "So they can hate me, too?"

The comment—the ferocity of it and who it was aimed at in particular—set them all on edge. "What's going on?" Mission asked.

Carth turned to Mission. "Malak said—"

"Oh, I don't _care _who you say I am!" Connan snarled. "I don't care who _he _says I am! I am not, was not, and never _will be _Revan!"

All of the oxygen left the room as a collective gasp rang through the air. Unbeknownst to everyone but Connan, (who was paying strict attention to the reactions of her crewmates) Juhani stepped out of sight and left the room completely.

"Revan?" Mission asked, looking horrified. She took a step back. "What…what are you talking about? Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, it's no joke." Carth started before Connan could defend herself. "The Jedi Council captured Revan and erased the Dark Lord's mind, programming in a new identity. Saul Karath told me on the Leviathan and Bastila confirmed it."

_Programmed. What am I? A machine?_

"You're Darth Revan?" Mission gawked. "This… this is big. Do you… remember anything about being the Dark Lord?"

"A few flashes, sometimes. One _big _flash just a little while ago while talking to Malak." Connan answered quietly, staring at the ground and determined to not let her voice crack.

Mission frowned, then snorted. "Just a few flashes? That's it? Nothing more?" Connan nodded her head minutely. Mission smiled and crossed her arms. "Then I don't think there's a problem."

Connan's head shot up so fast she nearly clocked her head against the wall behind her.

"It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore. You are who you are now, right?"

"_What_?" Carth stared at Mission as if she'd lost her mind. "Of course it still matters! How do we know more memories won't come flooding back? How do we know Revan won't suddenly turn on us?" He shook his head in disgust. "The whole time we've been chasing after Malak we've had his old Sith Master right at our side; listening to our secrets; hearing out plans!"

_Lies…. I made most of the plans. Am I suddenly just this monster to everyone?_

_No… not to Mission._

"Carth that isn't very fair of you." Jolee started.

Connan opened her mouth like she was going to say something. She closed it again and stared at the ground. "I'm… I'm sorry."

It was so quiet almost no one heard it.

"Hey—you've got nothing to be sorry about! You didn't ask for this. Besides, I know you. You're not Revan anymore. Whatever you used to be, you're one of us now." Mission prompted. Connan could hear how much she wanted to cheer the Ex-Sith Lord up, but Connan couldn't bring herself to react to it.

"**I agree with Mission. I swore a life-debt to the person you are, not to the person you were." **Zaalbar pitched in.

Mission inched over to where Connan stood and nudged her with an elbow. "Big Z and I will stick by you. We owe you our lives; we won't desert you now!"

"How can you say that, Mission? The Sith bombed my home world. Revan took away my family and destroyed my life!"

Connan recoiled sharply from that. She crossed her arms and closed her eyes, simply breathing.

_I got his son back for him… but _I'm _the one who took him away in the first place, wasn't I?_

"Everyone knows it was Malak who gave the order to attack your people, Carth. You can't blame Revan for that." Canderous snarled.

"I suppose you've proven yourself to be a friend of the Republic by your actions so far… Revan. But can I trust you? Can any of us?" Carth asked.

_Are we back to _that _again?_

Ignoring for the moment that her cynicism sounded too much like Jolee for comfort, something inside Connan broke.

_All this time… all we've been through, and he _still _wants to know if he can trust me? I was nearly _killed _trying to break into Uthar Wynn's room to find something incriminating to make his son leave the Sith, and he still doubts me?_

_How can he? Do they _all _think like this?_

_Lies. It's all lies, anyway. Bastila and the Jedi Council lied to me—have been lying to me from the start, Carth lied to me about trusting me—I guess his offer of protection is now pretty insubstantial… I can't take much more of this. I'm pretty much at the breaking point._

_Like hell if I'm going to let them see me break._

Connan stood straight and squared her shoulders, trying to look as cold and emotionless as possible, though probably only a few people bought it.

"What about you, Jolee?" She asked tiredly.

Jolee shrugged. "What about me? I already knew who you were, though it wasn't my place to tell you. Better off that you know, if you ask me." He shook his head. "Does it change anything? I'm not here to judge you. You'll do what you have to, and I'll help if I can."

Connan nodded. "Canderous?"

"You defeated the Mandalore clans in the war, Revan. You were the only one in the galaxy who could best us. We had never met one like you before, and never since. How can you even ask if I will follow you?" Canderous stared, completely serious, and kept going. "Whatever you're fighting, it will be worthy of my skill. I'm your man until the end, Revan, no matter how this plays out."

"HK-47?"

"Commentary: I am… experiencing something unusual, Master."

Connan stared at the droid, instantly on alert. "Why? What's happening?"

"Answer: My programming is activating my deleted memory core. I believe I have a—a homing system that is restoring it, Master."

_Unbelievable. _Connan scoffed. "Homing system?"

"Observation: My homing system is a function of my assassination protocols, that which I told you have been deactivated. This system was not." HK-47 thought for a moment. "It seems that the homing system deliberately restores my deleted memory core upon—upon returning to my original Master."

"You mean… Revan?"

"Affirmation: Correct, Master. Sith protocols maintain that all droid knowledge me deleted before assassination missions, and restored upon return. I have returned to you, and my full functionality is now under your personal command. It is a distinct pleasure to see you again, Master."

Mission chuckled. "Wow. What are the chances of _that _happening?"

"Remember we're talking about the Force, here. At this point Malak himself could drop out of the sky and I wouldn't bat an eyelash." Canderous agreed.

_Heh. Maybe he's done that before. I can't remember._

Connan sighed, rubbing her temples. She had an enormous headache. "And you, T3?"

"_Are you kidding? There's no way I'm leaving you by yourself!"_

"I knew the little guy would come through for you. Droids don't hold grudges." Mission remarked.

Connan attempted to turn to Carth and ask his opinion, but she found herself frozen on the spot. She was terrified of his answer. She simply crossed her arms and looked at the ground again, waiting for an answer.

"Well, the others seem to trust you, and I don't see any other way that we can stop the Sith. And I suppose that Malak really is the real enemy here… I really don't have any other choice, do I?"

Connan bit her tongue to keep from lashing back. The pain also stopped the flow of tears from her eyes.

"We _could _always drop you off on the nearest planet, soldier-boy." Canderous snarled. "How many times does she have to prove herself to you before you believe her?"

Carth sighed. "I want to believe you. You've proven yourself time and time again during our mission, but this is a little much for me to wrap my mind around.

"Don't worry," He continued. "I won't let my personal feelings get in the way of my assignments or this mission. But don't forget: I've sworn an oath to defend the Republic. As long as this mission stays on course I'll stick with you. But I won't let you betray the Republic under any circumstances!"

Connan took a deep breath, continued inhaling until her lungs screamed at her to stop, and let it out. Deciding she couldn't say anything without having a complete meltdown, she turned and left the room.

_I'll lock myself in the cargo hold for a few hours. I should be fine after that._

_Right?_

**XXXXX**

Jolee shook his head and sighed. _Well, _he thought. _That certainly went well._

"You know, soldier-boy," Canderous snapped as soon as Connan was out of earshot. "You should have just shot out her kneecaps. _That _would have been less painful."

"I don't need a lecture from you, okay?" Carth retorted.

"Then who _do _you need a lecture from? Because honestly, we're all willing." Mission retaliated.

"Okay, what? I'm the bad guy now? I voiced my issues with her identity and suddenly I'm the one everyone hates." Carth rolled his eyes.

"No, Carth," Jolee explained. "Voicing your issues would be waiting until she was more in control of herself to point out your problems. That—that conservation—was an attack. You felt cornered and betrayed by something she _doesn't even remember doing_, so you did your best to hurt her back."

"You kicked her while she was down." Mission agreed.

Carth sighed and stormed off, completely disgusted with everyone in the crew.

Canderous, still angry at the way Connan had been treated, slammed his fist into the table. "She just stood there and _took that _from him!"

"She cares about Carth's opinion more than she lets on, it seems." Jolee suggested.

"He can't do that to her. If he tries anything funny like that again, I'm going to—"

"Yes, yes, and we'll be sure to turn our backs all at the same time." Jolee waved him off. "Personally, I think we should be more worried about Connan's wellbeing than whether or not Carth is going to start something again."

Mission nodded. "I'll go check on her."

Canderous growled. "I'm going to check on the swoop bike." He stormed off in the other direction, followed by a distressed HK-47.

Mission strode off down the hallway, making her way toward the cargo hold. It wasn't a secret that Connan kept herself cooped up in there whenever she had some serious thinking to do. Mission pulled on the handle once, and wasn't surprised to find it locked in place.

That was fine. Mission took out a security tunneler and picked the lock.

Mission found Connan scrunched into the corner, hidden behind the cylinders and barrels. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and her face was buried between her knees. She apparently hadn't heard the cargo hold door open.

Mission sighed, making her way across the cargo hold and sitting down next to her friend. Connan still didn't acknowledge Mission's existence, but Mission took that as a good sign than not. At least she hadn't been kicked out yet.

Knowing better than to ask if Connan was okay, Mission simply laced an arm around Connan's shoulders and tugged her close.

Connan's head came up and found its way into the crook of Mission's neck. She took a shuddering breath and cried.

From the doorway, Jolee stared at the two women—both distressed, both trying to give encouragement and comfort to the other in their own way—and sighed. Then he closed the cargo hold door and made his way back to the med bay.

He'd better stack up on more medpacs than usual.

**XXXXX**

**Disclaimer: Don't own KotOR or Seether. Too bad.**


	2. Scared

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Two: Scared**

"_I wish you never told me. I wish I never knew."_

**XXXXX**

Carth leaned back in a random seat in the main hold, pulling his legs up to rest on the table in front of him. He crossed his ankles as he placed his hands on his face and rubbed his eyes.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connan enter the room, take a startled look at him, and bolt.

The next few emotions that ran through Carth were so jumbled around that he couldn't concentrate on any specific one. He leaned his head back as far as it would go and closed his eyes, trying to straighten out exactly what he was feeling.

There was a dry snort on the other side of the room. "I hadn't realized you'd claimed the main hold for your own." The voice soon followed. "Run and get the garage so she'll never have a chance to leave."

Carth growled under his breath. "That's unnecessary, Canderous."

"Is it?" The Mandalorian snarled. "It was a simple observation. It seems to me that you've blocked off the main hold from her access, based on the way she disappeared before I could blink."

Carth remained silent.

"Now to me, _that's _unnecessary." Canderous shrugged, flopping down in front of Carth and grinning toothily at the man. He adjusted his red vest and cracked his neck. "If you wanted to keep her from taking us straight to Malak and the Sith to have them destroy us and the Republic, you could just as easily voice-lock the navicomputer." He leaned back in his chair and groaned as he stretched.

Carth flinched. "That's not—"

"I mean, if you're only concerned about her betrayal to the Republic, why waste the energy guarding the main hold?"

"I'm not guarding the main hold!" Carth snapped. He stood up and slammed his hands onto the table. "And I don't have to take this from you!"

He turned and stalked toward the cockpit.

In the main hold, Canderous smirked. Then he turned and made his way to the garage, where Connan resided, using the workbench to upgrade one of her lightsabers.

At least, that's what she _looked _like she was doing. Canderous knew better. When Connan tried to upgrade items, her whole focus was on what was in front of her, and you practically had to hit her to get her to pay attention to you. She just seemed to be fiddling with the lightsaber now, to give her something to do.

Canderous looked over at the speeder on the other side of the room—his pride and joy, really. He'd spent countless hours perfecting it and trying to make it as spectacular as it had been when the prototype accelerator was attached to it. Connan had won many, _many _races with this swoop. After each and every one she'd thanked Canderous for his constant watch over its safekeeping.

With a longing look and a sigh, Canderous reached over, grasped the part closest to his hand—a part of the engine, as it turned out—and ripped it out.

"Hey," Canderous called, holding the broken part in his hand, ignoring the small burns the sparks inflicted on his calloused palm. "I might have accidentally ripped out a part of the speeder. Come help me fix it." He turned and walked back into the main hold.

Once inside the main hold he set the broken part on the table and turned to watch the doorway. For a moment nothing happened. Canderous had to guess that Connan was debating whether or not to follow.

But the next moment she walked through the doorway, and Canderous could only smirk and point at the disheveled piece of engine.

The small—almost undetectable—smirk he received made destroying his swoop totally worth it.

**XXXXX**

Carth resisted the urge to kick the navicomputer. He had to think that kicking the delicate machinery would not be very beneficial to them.

How _dare _Canderous mock him like that? What did _he _know, anyway?

Nothing. His homeworld hadn't been destroyed by the Sith, his son hadn't been kidnapped, brainwashed, and then nearly turned completely against his own father, he'd never developed feelings for an undercover Sith Lord who—

No, that was _definitely _unfair of him.

Despite the fact that he was angry beyond belief at Connan and the Jedi, he was more than certain none of the blame was Connan's. She truly had no clue who she was or who she'd been. That didn't stop him from being angry about it, but it did make him rethink his motives for practically cornering her after their _Leviathan _escape.

The fact that he'd been so cruel to Connan about it made his chest burn with guilt. He wasn't blind. He could see the cautionary way she regarded him now. He was more than positive that he'd destroyed any sort of trust or bond they'd developed over their mission. He'd known for days now that he had to apologize to her and try to make up for what he'd done.

But still, he couldn't muster up the courage to speak to her.

Every time he thought about speaking to her on the matter, his joints froze up and refused to release him. For some reason he was literally petrified of talking to her.

He had to think he was scared of rejection.

**XXXXX**

"_It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore."_

That one sentence terrified Connan, and caused her to avoid everyone for as long as physically possible for long periods of time.

It seemed that first big revelation memory had triggered something inside Connan. The memories had started to come back.

It was a slow process; the memories didn't come back all at once. No, there would be a pressure in the front of Connan's head, getting steadily harder and harder until Connan thought her head would burst, and then the memory would pour itself out into existence, projecting from her eyes like a holovid screen. The effort of keeping her eyes open for has long as the memory was doing horrible things to her eyes.

But that didn't matter. What mattered was _her memories were coming back_.

"_It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore."_

But what if she _did _remember? Would it matter then? Would Mission turn on her as suddenly as Carth had? Would Zaalbar turn with her? Would Juhani, or the droids, or Jolee?

She'd never felt more cornered in her life. Connan was losing her crew, and fast.

For the next week it took to get to Manaan, Connan did nothing but avoid everyone. She stayed hidden in the now-vacated room, going through everything she remembered about her life.

And remembering how every bit of it was a lie.

Who was she, really? Had she been a problem child, like she remembered her father always calling her? Who had her friends been? Had her best friend really been the boy she met at age five? Had they really grown up together, becomes each other's shadow?

Had there really been the kindly old lady (kind to _her, _anyway; she remembered that everyone else seemed to think her quite scary) who practically raised her when her parents decided they didn't need this certain "problem child" with them any longer?

And what killed her the most was the fact that she just didn't know. There was no way of knowing whether or not she'd been a cruel person all her life; whether or not she'd always lusted after killing innocent people. Bastila—probably the only person around who knew and would be willing to talk about it—was not present at the moment.

Not that Connan wanted to talk to Bastila anytime within the next century.

No, Connan was overwhelmed with too many questions and no way to answer them. The predicament this put her in twisted her mind into itself and threw her farther and farther into despair.

She was determined to get through this with her sanity intact, whether or not her friends decided to join her. In order to cope with the overwhelming emotions, she simply stopped caring. In an attempt to sort out her own feelings for everything that had happened within the past week, Connan let apathy take over. She didn't even try to brace herself for impact as she tried her hardest for rock bottom, fighting against the morals instilled into her. Or were they the morals that had been _installed _into her?

This had really messed her up.

She looked up at the ceiling, blinking her eyes until she could control the blank look on her face. She lay on her back, with her arms spread out.

It wasn't time for her to get up to another horrible, memory-filled day yet. She still had an hour or two before she had to get up and start her daily regime. Since the startling revelation of her identity, the others had vacated the once over-used room. To give her privacy, they said.

Right. Most of them, maybe.

They probably realized that she was a nervous wreck most of the time. They might even have noticed (whenever she was forced to spend time around anyone) how she would suddenly shut her eyes as hard as she could and leave the room as quickly as possible in an attempt to stop a new memory before it arrived (though as to the reason of her leaving they could only speculate, as she never told them).

What would happen if one of them discovered that she actually _was _remembering, however slowly, about her past life? Would they fear her more? Would they point and call her Darth Revan, Lord of the Sith, the most powerful Sith in the galaxy and the epitome of fear in the back of everyone's mind?

Would Carth refuse to acknowledge her existence altogether? Or worse, would he decide that he should make good on his comment and take a blaster to her head? Out of all the things that could happen, _that _alone would break her harder than the others put together.

What scared Connan more was the fact that she would let him.

But that didn't matter anymore, did it? She'd been betrayed before, and Carth saying he wanted to put a blaster to her head was no different. She could—

The doors _shucked _open. She sat up, watching as the tall, dark man came in and sat down on her bed. Her dog, Æliesha, came trailing in behind him, sitting at her feet and licking her robes lovingly.

She loved the Kath Hound, who loved her unconditionally, who knew nothing of the horrors she had apparently done.

"What, Jolee?" She asked with a smile. "I don't want to go out to Manaan for another couple of hours. Can't I just sit here and think for a while?"

"I came in here to tell you to stop being an idiot." Jolee was never one to mince words. "You're sitting inside this room, sulking like a brat, and we'll have none of it. Come outside and play Mission at Pazaak; she's too scared to ask you because she thinks you'll say no and pull away from us even more."

"Am I sulking?" Connan shifted her position. "I could have sworn I was staying out of your hair."

"As you've been so _sweet _to point out before, I _have _no hair." Jolee poked her in the chest. "So come out of the room and play with Mission. Please?"

Connan eyed Jolee warily. He simply stared back calmly. Connan shrugged.

"Sure."

Jolee wasted no time in grabbing Connan's hand and tugging. He yanked her up off the cot. Æliesha—after giving a snort of irritation—followed closely behind.

Mission sat in the main hold, her elbow on the table, thrumming her fingers against the table.

Connan put on the best smile she could manage. It still felt fake. "Hey, Mission."

Mission sat up, staring at Connan in complete shock. "Connan?"

"Yeah." Connan scratched the back of her head, forcing her nails to scratch lightly and not dig as roughly as they wanted. It would not bode well to draw blood in front of the others. "I've got a few hours before I want to set out to explore Manaan. Do…." She stopped to take a breath and shove down the despair that was trying to creep into her voice. "Do you want to play pazaak?"

Mission grinned; reminding Connan was Mission _was _only fourteen years old. "Really? You want to play with me?"

"Of course I do." This was not a lie. She just hadn't wanted to play in such a long time.

She hadn't wanted to do much of _anything _in such a long time.

"Great!" Mission leapt at Connan, enveloping her in a tight hug before Connan could react and dragging her over to the table. Jolee followed and took a seat next to Mission. "I'll deal."

Five games later (two of which Connan suspected Mission of letting her win), Zaalbar strode inside, followed by Juhani and Canderous. They three stared at Connan as if she weren't supposed to be there.

Connan shifted uneasily. "I—uh—"

"Connan and Mission are playing a game of Pazaak." Jolee interrupted. "Where have _you _been?"

"We have been out gathering information." Juhani answered. She turned her gaze to Connan, watching her as if she were a frightened animal you didn't want to scare.

"Care to join us?" Mission offered.

Canderous grinned, pulling up a chair and sitting in it backwards. "Fifty credits on Connan!"

"**Fifty credits on Mission." **Zaalbar countered, looking over Mission's shoulder at her cards.

Juhani shook her head and sat down next to Connan, humming to herself.

Connan found herself breaking into a real smile. She shook her head to wipe it off and played another card.

**XXXXX**

Later that day Connan had been forced to return to her ship—after being appointed as Jolee's friend Sunry's arbiter and being commissioned by the Republic to break into the Sith military base to steal back their droid intelligence, Connan figured she needed a few hours to herself to think things through.

Sometimes Connan hated how stupid she actually was.

Here she was, moping and wallowing in her pit of self-loathing and making others feel horrible for her (she couldn't even _think _the word "sympathy", and she wanted nothing to do with any kind of pity) when there were things happening that she could prevent.

Jolee's friend had been accused of murder, and who better to get him off the hook than Connan? Shaelas told her about many missing Selkath youths. Who else would have the time to look for them, especially if it meant looking through the Sith military base?

Besides, working constantly happened to have a nice numbing effect on the ever-growing pit of despair that seemed determined to swallow her up if she dared to think on it more than she could handle.

So in the end, Connan's list of things to do came to fruition.

_1. Break into the Sith military base as soon as possible. Interrogating the Sith prisoner inside the Republic base seems the best possible choice, since the Selkath laws prohibit killing of any kind on Manaan, thus eliminating the use of the Sith base backdoor._

_1a. Go without crew. Needless to say the Sith base will be full of bloodthirsty Sith ready to kill or be killed. If and when anyone ever emerges from the Sith military base next, the Selkath will waste no time in putting them in a cell and wait for their execution. And in case there's no chance of persuading the council that breaking in was the logical thing to do and killing everyone was an act of self-defense, there's no sense in more than one person dying._

_1b. Find incriminating evidence in the Sith base that will turn the Selkath against them. This will make it easier to persuade the council that breaking in and killing everyone was in fact a very legal thing to do._

_2. Find a way to free Sunry. It's highly doubtful that the Sith base has anything on the murder of Elassa, but the mysterious man said to check out both embassies anyway. It might be easier to check the Republic embassy's database after interrogating the people inside the hotel._

_3. Avoid Carth at all costs._

Number three was the most important of all, and if Connan had to choose which one of these on the list to do, she would choose number three without hesitation and ask Jolee for forgiveness later about his friend. Number three was more important than saving Sunry, definitely. Number three was more important than getting back the droid intelligence, and number three was _definitely _more important than finding some dumb old Star Map.

It wasn't like avoiding him was hard. It seemed like he never wanted to be in the same room with her, anyway, which was just fine with her. She was sure the nauseated feeling that grew in the pit of her stomach when she walking into a room he occupied (or vise versa) was very much reciprocated. Connan was very quick to vacate the room whenever Carth came around.

But still, it was very important that Connan avoid him. If Carth was pained by looking at her and was disgusted by the things she supposedly did but couldn't remember, then she would stay out of his way. Connan would in no way intentionally harm Carth, mentally or physically, even if staying away from him nearly tore her apart.

Or would she? As Connan recalled, she'd been able to withstand Carth's torturing on the _Leviathan _fairly well. Sure, she'd panicked and begged Saul Karath to stop, and even destroyed a few light fixtures in the hallway with the Force without even knowing it, but she hadn't done the one thing that would ensure Carth's wellbeing. She hadn't given up the information.

It was this pattern of thought that stopped Connan in her tracks. She _couldn't _let herself think things like this. If she did, she'd go mad. So, she took off her Jedi robes and put on a simple undershirt and pants, and went to find HK-47, Æliesha her beloved Kath Hound trailing behind her.

Almost an hour later, Connan welded the two wires together and looked up. "How is that?" She asked quietly.

"Answer: That feels ever so much better, Master!" HK-47 replied, shutting his front panel and stretching his limbs. "As always, you have done a wonderful job at fixing what is broken."

Connan flinched.

"HK," She asked, her eyes lowered and her voice very quiet. "Was I always good with machines?"

"Answer: Of course not, Master." The assassin droid chuckled. "Explanation: When the Master decided that you wanted your own personal assassin droid, you insisted on making me yourself. Hence the number forty-seven."

Connan frowned. "What?"

HK-47 stood up straight and held up its blaster, looking tall and proud. "Clarification: It took you, my Master, forty seven tries to get one single HK unit up and running."

Connan took a deep breath and continued the conversation. "It just seems unlikely that I would have the patience to go through forty-six HK droids before getting one right."

"Observation: Indeed, Master, there were instances where one of my droid predecessors would agitate you some way while you were making them, and you would incinerate them on the spot and start all over."

Connan snorted. "Yeah, _that _sounds more like me."

There was silence for a little longer as Connan fiddled with HK-47's innards. She took a deep breath (not willing to admit to herself that she didn't feel like she was swallowing rusty nails anymore whenever she did so) and looked up again. "So…. You actually _did _originally belong to me?"

HK nodded. "Statement: Yes, Master. You created me shortly after you and your apprentice began your war to conquer the galaxy."

Ah, yes. There was the nails-in-the-throat feeling.

"I was sent on an assassination mission into Mandalorian space, but I was damaged and unable to return to you." HK continued.

Connan's grip tightened on a wire inside HK's sternum. "I see."

"I find this most distressing. I would certainly have protected you from the Jedi and your pupil's betrayal had I returned."

Connan closed her eyes and leaned her head against the droid's armor plating. "Maybe it's better this way. Somehow."

HK-47 was silent for a moment, and when he spoke again his voice was much quieter. "Observation: Maybe you are right, Master. This way we are reunited, and neither of us suffered permanent termination."

Connan sat her head up and closed HK's armor plating. She stood up and clapped her hands together, grimacing at how oily they'd become. She gripped her shoulders tightly, ignoring the oil she'd just transferred to her sleeveless undershirt, and looked down to the ground.

"Am… am I very much like the Revan you knew?" She murmured so quietly HK had trouble hearing her.

HK-47 picked up the blaster rifle he'd set on the ground and held it to his chest. "Observation: You are different in many fundamental ways, Master. You have a concern for life that is unsettling."

Placing her tools back inside the tool box, Connan refrained from pointing out to herself that that meant at one point she _hadn't _been concerned for life. The mere thought made her sick to her stomach, and she couldn't keep throwing up all day long. Not only would she burn through her esophagus, the others were starting to notice her frequent dashes to the fresher.

HK continued without noticing Connan's expression. "This cannot solely be caused by memory loss. I do not know how to explain it. Regardless, you do seem to be improved, overall, from the human I once knew."

"Thanks, I guess…." Connan crossed her arms and sighed.

"Observation: Master, are you well? You look considerably paler than normal. I will have that bucket of bolts raise the temperature at once!"

"No, HK, really, you don't have to do that. I'll put on a jacket or something."

"Objection: Nonsense, Master! The other meatbags on the ship will be able to handle it being a bit warmer, and if they have a problem with it I shall blast them before they can complain."

Connan opened her mouth to object again when Æliesha's warning growl silenced her. Connan glanced down at her dog and then to the direction of her Kath Hound's aggression. Carth strode into the room and came to a halt, obviously not expecting to find Connan there. His eyes widened in surprise and he even backpedaled a bit.

The crushing feeling of guilt slammed against Connan's chest again, and it pressed harder and harder with each passing second. She closed her mouth so quickly she clipped her tongue and looked toward the ground, away from Carth.

"I—I have to go." Connan stammered, calling her bag to her with the Force (when had she set it down? She couldn't remember) and looping it around her shoulder. Immediately she turned and bolted through the other door, brushing past a surprised Jolee as she headed for the ramp of the _Ebon Hawk_.

"And where are _you _going?" He called as she continued down the hangar.

Connan stopped long enough to turn around and try to explain. "Somewhere—_anywhere—_not here." She took another step forward then jerked to a halt. She took her bag off of her shoulder and opened it, pulling out a small trinket and tossing it to Jolee.

Jolee caught it deftly, staring at the jet black pendant thoughtfully.

And then she was off again.

She was pretty sure the swoop track was still open.

**XXXXX**

Jolee watched the ramp close behind Connan and sighed. Then he looked down and examined the pendent closer. He ran his hand over the top of the pendant, tracing out the symbol in red in the center. It was a lovely swirl of color, twisting around and around until it reached its peak at the top, where the single line halved itself and the halves ran down to touch each other again at the bottom, creating a circle.

Yes, it was the same one. Jolee remembered Mission buying Connan this pendant from the Jawas on Tatooine, as a thank-you for saving her brother from the Sand People.

He also remembered Connan wearing it ever since. He'd once seen her take the hand off a Sith who tried to take it from her on Korriban. Why had she given it to Jolee?

Deciding he could figure it out later, Jolee slipped the pendant into his pocket and turned to face Carth. He crossed his arms.

"What was that about?" Carth asked.

"I'm not sure."

Carth frowned, staring at the HK unit standing idly in the corner and then again at the exit. "Why did she leave so suddenly?"

Jolee rolled his eyes. "She's terrified of you."

The words seemed to have made the right impression. Carth's eyes widened slightly and he stared at the door Connan had used to exit.

"I don't believe that." He stated so firmly that Jolee suspected him of trying to convince himself.

Jolee shrugged. "As you will."

Late that night, Jolee sat in the main hold, drumming his fingers into the table. He stared at the pendent Connan had tossed to him aimlessly, trying to figure out why she'd given it to him.

Where was she, for that matter? Connan hadn't been back to the _Ebon Hawk _since she left that afternoon.

The door opened, and Jolee placed the pendent in his pocket. He suppressed a sigh when Connan walked through.

She didn't look any worse for the wear. She looked utterly exhausted, and her eyes were very red, but other than that she wasn't wounded, or in any sort of danger.

"You've been gone a very long time." Jolee stated.

Connan nodded. "I have."

"Mission and Canderous nearly made us form search parties."

Connan snorted. "I'm sorry." She looked toward the ground and shuffled around aimlessly. "I was going to come back."

"Why are your eyes red?"

Connan hesitated, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I haven't been blinking much lately." Then she held her hand out and waited.

Jolee stared at Connan for a moment, going through all the possibilities of what she might want. After a moment's thought, he took out her pendent and gave it back to her.

Connan put it around her neck and left the room as quickly as possible.

And Jolee understood.

**XXXXX**

**Hah to the people who thought this was a one-shot! Pffth. Like I would do a one-shot with nothing but game dialogue. It'll probably be seven to eight chapters long. Ten if I feel like writing a lot. I'm going to try and work on this all I can, but the majority of this story will be written on Tuesdays, when my brother is home and I can't play Mass Effect and there's no band.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Three Day's Grace, either. Sucks to be me.**

_**Amme Moto**_


	3. What Have You Done?

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Three: What Have You Done?**

"_I won't show mercy on you now. I know I should stop believing. I know that there's no retrieving. It's over now. What have you done?"_

**XXXXX**

Two days later Mission sat on her cot, flipping Pazaak cards and ordering them as she wanted them. It was very early in the morning, and the only reason Mission was up at all was because she'd heard Connan get up from the other side of the ship and begin to wander about.

Mission wasn't too sure Connan was sleeping, lately.

Finally it was late enough to not be considered early. Mission put her cards up and left the room, being as quiet as possible so she didn't wake anyone. It was impossibly crowded in the room since they'd escaped the _Leviathan,_ and Mission would sometimes get up and sleep in the main hold just because it was roomier. She'd gotten very good at opening and shutting doors quietly, and was secretly glad at this moment that she hadn't woken anyone else up.

Ever since that first day when Connan openly cried onto Mission, Connan hadn't spoken a word that hadn't been forced out of her one way or another. Mission was hoping that if she caught Connan by herself, she'd be a bit more open.

As she walked into the main hold, though, Mission saw something she hadn't expected.

Connan was gearing up.

"Connan?" Mission called quietly. Connan didn't jump, but froze for a moment. Mission stared at her watch. "Do you know what time it is?"

Connan sat down and leaned over to tie a shoe. "Yes."

"Where are you going?" Mission asked.

"Out." Connan replied. She stood up again and stretched.

"What is there to do this early?"

Connan turned to stare at Mission. She shrugged. "That's a good question."

Mission frowned. "Are you coming back?"

Connan sighed, picking up her bag and unlatching the top. She pulled out a small, cube case and set it on the table, sliding it over to Mission.

Then she turned and left.

Mission snatched up the box and opened it.

Inside was a crystal. In the center of the crystal, a swirl of dark purple twisted around and around, like it was set aflame and continued to burn forever. The purple eventually bled into a shady sort of pink, emanating throughout the crystal and stopping at the edges, where the crystal-like transparent color took over.

This was the crystal Juhani had found inside the cave on Dantooine. It wasn't very useful inside a lightsaber, but Juhani had given it to Connan anyway, trying to make up for attacking her inside the grove.

Now Mission was really confused. She'd seen Connan break the fingers of pickpockets trying to snatch this particular crystal, and she'd swatted Mission's hands away many times trying to protect it. Why would she give it to her now?

Jolee dragged himself into the main hold at that moment, yawning and scratching at his back delicately. He'd been awoken by a Wookie arm reaching out and resting next to his head, tickling his nose and making him sneeze up a storm. He'd decided to get up when he heard the ramp open and close.

"Did Connan leave?" He asked Mission, pulling out a chair and sitting in it.

Mission nodded. "She armed herself about as heavily as she could and took off a few minutes ago."

Jolee rubbed his eyes. "Any idea why?"

This time Mission shook her head. "None. She handed me this crystal and left without a word."

At these words Jolee snapped awake. He took a look at the crystal in particular and sighed. "You're going to want to hold on to that."

Mission frowned. "Why?"

Jolee rubbed his head thoughtfully, leaning back in his head and stretching. "Are you kidding? It's Connan's favorite crystal. She wouldn't want anything to happen to it while she was gone."

**XXXXX**

Carth stood in front of the workbench, shining his blaster and trying to buff out the few dents. Really it was just busy work. He was trying his hardest to work on his blaster, on fixing the alignment on the scope. He was having a hard time; doing something where he had to concentrate solely on the fixture was doing nothing but frustrating him.

Lately his mind had been split in two places.

One side of his mind would be on what he was supposed to be doing at the moment. And recently, he hadn't been doing anything. Whenever Connan went out, she made sure to bring people who _weren't Carth_, something he noticed right away since he always used to accompany her everywhere. Or, the worse alternative, she went out alone.

The second part of his mind was occupied solely with Connan. She'd left that morning with barely a word to anyone—Mission was still a little shocked at how abruptly their conversation went that morning—and hadn't been back since. And since it was now well past noon, people were starting to get worried.

Carth was starting to worry.

He'd seen the look on her face last night. He knew she hadn't seen him, simply because she didn't leap up and run for cover. She sat on the couch, one leg laced over the other, so deep in thought Carth thought he could wave his hand in front of her face without her noticing. He knew that look, too. Her brow was creased in concentration. She was working out some plan in her mind.

She usually had that look while talking with others about the next day's events. He'd never seen her plan strategy by herself.

And here was the next day, and Connan was no where to be found.

_Maybe this is cause for alarm._ His mind thought.

He instantly regretted the thought. It reminded him of his rather shameful attack on her character after their _Leviathan _escape. He resisted the urge to put his head in his hands.

The scope slipped from his hands and fell on the floor. Carth slammed the blaster down onto the workbench and snarled at himself.

_Where the _hell _is Connan?_

"Where the _hell _is Connan?" Carth heard behind him. For a moment he thought he was the one who spoke, but Mission's voice definitely didn't sound like his. He breathed a sigh of relief—it wouldn't do to start talking to himself—and walked into the main hold, where Mission, Jolee, Canderous, and Juhani were conversing. "She's been gone since before dawn."

"I'm sure she's fine," Jolee insisted, rubbing his shoulders uncertainly. "She just got held up. Or maybe she forgot."

"For this long?" Candorous asked. "She wouldn't do that to us. If she ever went off alone—which was rare since soldier-boy used to follow her everywhere—she would _tell _one of us."

Another wave of guilt hit Carth. It was true he'd accompanied Connan everywhere, but it was only to make sure she didn't get herself in trouble. The woman could get herself in a life-threatening situation every time one of them turned around, and often did.

But that was back when she wasn't Revan. Now that she was, she could take care of herself, right?

_Coward, _his mind scorned. _You disgust me._

Carth chuckled to himself. _Don't worry, _he replied to his mind. _Right now, I disgust _me_._

"We've got to go after her!" Mission cried. "We'll split up. There are only so many places she could have gone."

Jolee huffed. "If she were in trouble don't you think she'd call one of us?"

They were silent. For once, no one knew the answer.

Before anyone could break the suffocating silence that had taken over, there was a knock at the ramp.

When no one jumped up to answer, Carth shrugged. "I'll get it." He offered. He turned and went back toward the ramp.

"It might be Connan." Mission suggested from the main hold.

Candorous barked out a laugh. "Be serious. Would Connan _knock_?"

Carth pressed the ramp open and was glad that the strained sound of the gears drowned out the rest of the conversation. All this talk of Connan reminded him of the fact that he'd ruined one of the best things that ever happened to him.

The ramp opened fully, and at the foot stood a Selkath official.

Carth frowned, keeping a hand close to his holstered blaster. "Can I help you?"

The Selkath nodded. **"I mean no harm. Just a few questions, if you don't mind."**

At least they weren't in trouble. Carth shrugged. "Sure."

The Selkath opened up a datapad and turned it on. **"Yes. The leader of your group is one known as Connan Frai, yes?"**

Carth refused to cringe. Was _everyone _going to talk about Connan today? Just the mention made his heart clench with guilt. "She is, I suppose." He replied.

The Selkath hummed in approval. He pressed a button on the datapad and nodded. **"Does she involve her crew in her troubles?"**

Carth frowned. "My Selkath isn't up to par. You're going to have to be more specific."

The Selkath nodded understandably. **"Forgive me. Does your leader tell you her plans for the day before she leaves the ship?"**

Sighing, Carth shook his head. Might as well be honest, right? "Not recently."

The Selkath pressed another button. **"So you are unaware that she's annihilated the entire Sith Embassy."**

Carth's eyes widened, and the panic that coursed through his veins is the only thing that kept him frozen in place.

"_What?!"_

**XXXXX**

Connan walked out of the Ahto City Council, covered in blood but alive nonetheless. She'd managed to eliminate objectives 1-1b on her list. She'd taken out the whole Sith base by herself, and gotten herself off the hook for it, as well.

She rubbed her temples again—she still had a very bad headache that she hadn't been able to shake since they escaped the Leviathan—and made her way across the area to the cantina.

She entered the cantina and looked around. A few people gave her very odd looks—the Echani and Mandalorian mercenaries stared blatantly while the Iridonian simply laughed in amusement—but other than that no one seemed to care that a blood-covered Jedi had just walked in. Connan walked across the cantina to Shaelas the Selkath and greeted him.

"Good afternoon, Shaelas." Connan greeted, her voice full of fake enthusiasm.

Shaelas didn't seem to find anything fake about her actions. He greeted her back with an odd exclamation. **"Are you injured, Jedi?"**

Connan shook her head. "Not at all. I'm just a bit tired. I've just come from the Sith base."

Shaelas nodded. **"Ah, yes. I'd heard about that. Have you information for me? Have you discovered the fate of the missing Selkath youth? Have you news of my daughter Shasa?"**

Connan nodded. "I found her. She looks like you." Connan stretched, feeling her muscles quiver with exhaustion from her workout. "The Sith were kidnapping, bribing, lying, and generally doing anything they could to get the Selkath youth into their base. They were teaching them to become Dark Jedi and to support the Sith."

Shaelas nodded. **"Yes… this makes sense. It is a wonder I did not see this before. Manaan's greatest strength is our neutrality." **Shaeles looked very concerned. **"My daughter, Shasa, she too has been indoctrined into the Sith camp?"**

"No," Connan replied. "No, I talked everyone into leaving. Your daughter should already be home by now."

Shaelas gurgled, the Selkath impression of a gasp. **"Human, if you speak the truth I am forever in your debt!"** Shaelas sounded incredibly happy. **"And yet, my joy is tempered by the knowledge that the Sith still walk freely about Manaan." **

Connan held back a sneer. _Right. The rest of them are just leaderless barbarians, now. _

"**Hopefully the testimony of my daughter will be enough proof of their actions to make the Ahto Cuty authorities take action."**

Connan nodded. "I hope so. Good luck, Shaelas."

"**You have done much for me, human. Here are the credits I promised you. I only wish I had more to give."**

But Connan held out a hand to stop him and shook her head. "There's no need. I understand how frantic you must have been. Keep your money, and go find your daughter. I'm sure she's worried about you."

Shaelas actually hugged Connan. **"You refuse my reward? Truly you humans are a noble breed!" **He called excitedly. He shook her hand for good measure and ran out of the cantina at full speed.

Connan inwardly rolled her eyes. _Yes, we're all saints._

_Good Gods, I'm becoming horribly cynical to myself._

Connan huffed a sigh of relief. Now that _that _was done, she could go back to the ship and take a shower. Contrary to popular belief, being blood-soaked was very sticky, and once the stuff dried it restricted movement and left one feeling crusty and very drained from all the effort put into ignoring the feeling.

Not only that, but Connan was exhausted. Taking out an entire Sith base alone was not an easy task. She'd never used so many mines in her life.

Well, maybe she had. She couldn't exactly remember her life.

"_There_ you are!"

The voice actually startled Connan. She jolted out of her thoughts to see an angry Jolee taking large steps to reach her. Behind him came Mission, who looked more relieved than anything.

"Connan that's not funny." Mission griped. "You can't just run out on us and not tell us where you're going."

Connan frowned. "I can't?"

"Not when you're covered in blood when we find you!" Jolee snapped. He grasped Connan's arm tightly and dragged her forward. "You're coming with us right _now _young lady."

Connan didn't argue. She went along patiently as Jolee hauled her through the hallways and into the hangar. Mission tagged along behind, deflecting odd glances. When they reached the ship Mission rushed forward and bolted up the ramp.

"We found her!" She called.

A collective sigh ran through the ship as Jolee forced Connan to sit on the cot in the med bay and proceeded to check her over for injuries.

Connan tried to move away. "Jolee, really, I'm—"

Mission pressed a hand onto Connan's shoulder and forced her back down. "If you say _fine _then I'm going to scream."

Connan frowned. "But I _am_."

Canderous—who had walked in along with Juhani—stood on the other side of Connan. "Not when you're covered in blood like that."

"I am curious." Juhani started. "What were you thinking, going into the Sith base by yourself? Did you think they would listen to one person better than three?"

Indignation swelled up inside Connan, and she bit the side of her mouth to keep herself from snapping back.

"All right, all right," Jolee waved his hands at Mission, Canderous and Juhani. "You're crowding the doctor. Shoo! Shoo!"

After another ten seconds the extra occupants of the room were rushed out, complaints and all.

Jolee turned back to Connan and rapped on her head to get her attention. "Don't think you're getting out of a lecture just because you might be hurt."

Connan snorted. "I'd never dream of thinking it."

Jolee rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to Connan and cleaning her up. "Did you think we wouldn't find out?" Jolee asked. "Or that the Selkath wouldn't come to the ship asking if we _knew _you were planning on annihilating the Sith in one fell swoop?"

Connan speared a glare through Jolee, who glared back just as stubbornly. Connan looked away and picked a spot on the ground to stare at.

"_Aha_! Just as I thought." Jolee called. He held Connan's arm up and showed her a fantastically purple bruise across her forearm. "Any idea where you got _this _from?"

Connan frowned. She didn't remember getting particularly injured anywhere, except for that one moment where her blaster overheated so she brained the man with it, and he hit her with his blaster as hard as he could before he went down. He'd almost shattered the bone. She'd cried out, spat something about how she hated Sith, healed it as quickly as possible and kept going. Obviously she couldn't tell him that, so….

"I tripped?"

Jolee rolled his eyes. "That's likely." He put pressure on her back to try and force her to sit up, checking for spinal injuries.

He didn't get that far, however. Connan hissed and pulled away from him before he could press very hard.

"What was _that_?" He asked, unhooking her robes and pulling them back to inspect her back.

"Nothing," Connan admitted. "Just… a little burn."

A _little _burn was an understatement. Her whole back was a puffy red. It wasn't blistered, or too severe, but it must have been uncomfortable for the positions they'd been dragging her back to the ship in.

"On your _back_?" Jolee specified. "What happened?"

Connan shrugged. "There was a hallway full of steam. My shield didn't last the whole way. There was a computer on the other side that I needed to get to."

"And when were you going to treat this?" Jolee asked, running his hand down it gently. It was still very hot.

"Actually, I was just going to sleep off some of my exhaustion and use the Force to heal it when I wasn't so tired." Connan replied. "I can barely lift a datapad as it is."

Jolee sighed. "Go take a shower and go to bed, young lady." He ordered. "You're still in trouble, but it can wait until you're not dead on your feet."

Connan didn't need to be told twice. She fastened her robes back on and bolted out the door.

Before she took a shower, however, Connan made a pit stop to Mission.

"Hey there," Mission said. She put her Pazaak cards back down onto her cot. "What can I do for you?"

Connan hesitated for a moment. "Can I have my crystal back?"

**XXXXX**

When Jolee left the med bay, he was stopped by Carth, of all people.

"Is she all right?" He asked.

Jolee narrowed his eyes. "Of course not. For one reason for another, she deemed it important to take on the entire Sith Embassy by herself. She's pulling farther and farther away from everyone and no one can figure out why." He crossed his arms. "As far as we know, _you're_ the only one she refuses to have any kind of contact with, whether out of pure fear, compassion, or a mix of the two."

Carth flinched. He held up his hands and walked past Jolee into the main hold, heading for the cockpit.

Jolee's eyes narrowed as he watched Carth retreat. "I may not be here to judge or to tell anyone how to act, but something is bothering that young lass, and damn it if I'm not going to fix it."

"I agree." Canderous stated, exiting the main hold and meeting the old man. "Whatever it is that's upsetting her, we need to fix it."

"I agree as well." Juhani replied. "Do you have anything particular in mind, Jolee?"

Jolee rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Many hours later, when he hoped no one was looking, Carth went to check on Connan. She was asleep on her cot, on her stomach, her hair soaking wet. From her position Carth could see the fire-red burn across her back and the deep-looking bruise across her arm. Every now and again her fists clenched together, making her knuckles go white. Carth could see small cuts across them if he studied them hard enough.

Sighing, Carth laid out an extra medpac (taking care to take out the small package of kolto before closing it back up) and some burn medication on the small bedside table next to Connan, next to the crystal Juhani had given her on Dantooine for not killing her.

**XXXXX**

The next day Connan sat at a table in the main hold, her upper body splayed out across the table. She took deep breaths and stared blankly at the old man sitting across from her.

She'd gotten her crystal back, taken a shower, and crashed. When she woke up she found the medical supplies laid out for her and gladly made use of them before using the Force to heal whatever the medicine hadn't taken care of.

She'd been unreasonably pleased that whoever set out the medical supplies had been thoughtful enough to take out the kolto completely. Not that it was uncommon knowledge that Connan hated kolto, but the fact that someone thought of it made her feel special.

Then when she'd left the room, she'd been set upon by two angry Jedi and a Mandalorian.

Connan had gotten the lecture of her life. Never again would she leave the ship to annihilate an entire embassy by herself, if _that _was to be the result. Her ears were still ringing. She was surprised neither of them had fallen off, yet.

Now, however, Connan was tired and bored. The three crew members had deemed Connan "grounded", and she was not to leave the ship for twenty four hours. Just to make sure, they'd barricaded the ramp and password locked it.

So Connan had nothing to do but sit and stare at the wall. Maybe if she was bored enough she could go back asleep. Things were always nicer when she was asleep. In her dreams, Revan didn't exist, Connan wasn't getting any unwanted memories from said Darth, and she and her crew were simply on a mission to destroy the Dark Lord Malak.

Sometimes Jolee looked like Master Vandar, and Mission looked like she'd had a make-over from Yuthura Ban, but those were symptoms from dreams in general. Connan could live with those.

Connan sighed, loudly, catching Jolee's attention.

"Got something on your mind, do you?" Jolee asked calmly, as if he hadn't yelled and threatened and generally verbally abused Connan at all that day.

That was fine. Connan was just as good at pretending things didn't happen.

"When did you go to Kashyyyk?" She asked instead.

"Oh, that wasn't until many years later, to tell the truth. I spent quite some time wandering the galaxy." Jolee responded instantly, folding his fingers together and leaning forward on the small bit of table Connan left to him.

Connan sighed through her nose. "Adventuring again?"

"Nothing quite so extravagant." Jolee replied. "I merely traveled from place to place. I don't even think I knew what I was looking for."

"I've been there." Connan murmured to herself.

Jolee continued as if he hadn't heard her. "It wasn't as if my travels were pleasant, either. There were many folks who distrusted the Jedi after the war… or worse."

Connan frowned, sitting her head up. "What could be worse?"

Jolee rolled his eyes. "If people weren't treating me with suspicion, they were looking at me with greed. I don't know how many thought they could use me for their own ends."

"So _that's _when you went to Kashyyyk."

"Actually I was on my way somewhere else when I crash-landed on Kashyyyk. The ship I was using was rust-bucket."

"Why didn't you just fix your ship and keep going?"

Jolee scoffed. "I'm no mechanic. And besides, after you plunge nose-first into the trunk of a five-kilometer high tree, chances are you don't have much ship left."

"Wasn't it all a bit primitive for you?"

"Not really. Kashyyyk is a place you can feel very small in. It felt good to devote my time to helping people and living simply." Jolee shrugged.

"And you didn't receive any new from the outside?"

Jolee hesitated. "What can I say? I did it all for the Wookies."

Connan raised an eyebrow. "The Wookies."

Jolee nodded. "The Wookies. Well, okay, maybe I needed some time on a quiet and remote planet… but if you ever need a friend, an incredibly strong hairball isn't a bad call."

"And you were content there?" Connan asked.

Jolee gave Connan a very calculated look. "Oh, very much so. Surviving the Shadowlands is no easy task. After a while, you're so busy surviving that all the other problems seem to become nonexistent."

Connan stared at the wall behind Jolee. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I've been there, too."

**XXXXX**

**Disclaimer: Own KotOR nor Within Temptation, I do not.**

**Also, you're looking at (reading?) the official President of the Science Club. And the soloist for this year's marching show.**

**Fun year, huh?**

_**Amme Moto**_


	4. Lies

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Four: Lies**

"_You will never be strong enough. You will never be good enough. You were never conceived in love. You will never rise above."_

**XXXXX**

"All right, then." Connan called, lifting her bag up and setting it on her shoulder. "Let's head out."

Mission and Jolee both nodded from her sides. Both of them had volunteered to follow Connan for the day, both unwilling to let her out of their sights. Even though Connan had _promised _not to run out on them again with malicious intent, they still didn't trust her.

Not that she blamed them. She wouldn't trust a Sith Lord, either.

The statement didn't hurt as much as it used to, surprisingly. There was only the bitter twinge where the nails used to ravage. Connan guessed she was coming to terms with her Dark Side status.

She didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

In an attempt to get those thoughts out of her head, she turned and walked down the ramp. Behind her, Mission turned her shoes to the side, sliding down the ramp and whizzing past Connan. She heard Jolee grumble something about "crazy kids", but ignored it in her attempt to stop a smile.

Today was going to be a serious day. The trial for Sunry's murder case would start in the evening, and they were pressed for time and evidence. She figured they would start in the hotel, like the Councilman suggested, and see what would come after that.

Hmmm…. Maybe she should have sifted through the Sith's information on the case while she was inside the embassy. She'd completely forgotten to do so in her struggle to survive. How clumsy of her.

"Wait." A voice interrupted Connan's thoughts, startling her immensely.

She knew that voice. She just didn't know why it was talking to her.

"Wait." Carth repeated, going down the ramp as quickly as possible.

He looked like he'd just woken up, which was very possible since it was still early. His hair was in every which direction and his weapons looked haphazardly thrown on. He still looked charismatic, as rumpled up as he was.

He turned toward Jolee. "Let me come. I hate being cooped up in this ship all day."

Connan looked away, toward Mission (who looked strangely irritated all of a sudden) and sighed. Of course Carth was talking to Jolee. How foolish of her to think he'd been addressing her. What wishful thinking on her part.

She was _not _hurt that he wouldn't ask her to come.

Jolee harrumphed. "Why are you asking me? Do I look like the leader here?" He crossed his arms. "I'm just the babysitter. Ask Connan."

Connan tensed. The feeling of being cornered returned to her, and she just wanted to leave. She saw Carth tense as well and watched as he jerked himself back from his inclination to look at her.

Did she want Carth wandering around with them all day? _Hell no!_ Just the thought of Carth in her presence for the whole day made her jumpy. Wasn't that in violation of Number Three on her list?

Yes. Most _definitely _in violation.

Still, Carth was the one who wanted to come. If he wanted to avoid her above all costs, he would have stayed away, right?

No, that wasn't good. He hadn't even asked _her _if he could go. He'd asked _Jolee_. Connan didn't think Carth had given her a single glance since the _Leviathan_. She was surprised at how apathetic he was toward her now.

However, if he just wanted to get off the _Hawk_, he could have left anytime he wanted. He didn't have to accompany them. Didn't that count for something?

In the end, even that didn't matter. Connan's newly-created distrustful side reared up and shot that theory down as quickly as possible.

_He probably came as another set of eyes._

Ah, yes. There was the routine disgust. She was going to forever need an escort, wasn't she? Connan felt her lip curling into a snarl before she could stop it.

"Well?" Carth asked quietly, looking anywhere but at Connan.

Now completely revolted at herself, Connan simply shrugged and walked off, determined not to let anyone see how much the prospect of Carth's accompaniment scared her. Nothing would get _done _if she spent the whole time tiptoeing around him.

Apparently Carth had assumed her shrug meant he could go with them, because Candorous came plowing down the ramp, growling to himself.

"Now wait just a minute." He called. "She didn't actually say yes."

Connan froze in place.

"That's true." Mission agreed.

"If she disagreed, she would have said something, right?" Carth snapped at Candorous.

Jolee snorted.

"Look, guys." Mission refereed, standing between the men and holding up her hands. "I don't want any problems today. The search for Connan a couple days ago was more than enough excitement for a while.

"Four people in a group is simply too many," Juhani insisted, following Candorous outside the ship. "You will be too conspicuous, and it would not be wise to get Connan into more trouble so soon after being let off the hook."

Zaalbar—who had come down the ramp when he'd heard the commotion—interrupted with his own interjection that silenced everyone, but Connan wasn't listening. Her irritation was steadily rising. They were all talking about her, _right in front of her_. Did they not even realize she was there? If they were going to talk about her and her theorized reactions, couldn't they do it when she wasn't standing _right there_? How cruel _were _her shipmates? She couldn't blame them for talking about her, since everyone seemed to be talking about her lately (and really, she could take the barbs. Even she would say she'd slandered herself more than anyone else put together), but really. She didn't think they'd be nasty enough to act like she wasn't there.

Well, most of them, anyway.

Before she could expound on that thought Connan noticed the alarming number of eyes on her. Her own eyes widened as she turned her head quickly from side to side. Sure enough, everyone—including Carth—was staring at her like she was supposed to insert her own opinion, which was highly unlikely.

Damn. What had she done now?

"Well, Connan?" Mission asked, her voice quiet.

Connan stared, already on the defensive. "Well, what?"

"What do you want?" Jolee answered, staring at Connan intently, as if asking a whole different question than what was said.

What did Connan want? She wanted a lot of things. She wanted to get going so they could interrogate the people in the hotel about Elassa's murder. She wanted to give Roland Wann the droid intelligence so he could tell her where the Star Map was. She _really _wanted to find out why the Republic was hiring so many mercenaries.

Connan wanted to kill Saul Karath a thousand times over, each more slowly than the last. She wanted to see Malak drop dead at her feet, after apologizing a hundred times for what he'd done to her, groveling for forgiveness, and watch him agonize as she cut off his head instead of forgiving him. She wanted Bastila and the whole Jedi Council—what was left of it, anyway—to go space themselves and leave her alone for all eternity.

She wanted Carth to forgive her for something she didn't remember doing.

She wanted to be Connan.

"Connan?" Mission repeated. "What do you want?"

Connan growled in agitation, rubbing her temples roughly. "I don't know. I don't care. Stay. Go. One person, four people, _nine_ people, I don't _care_, and I honestly don't think _you _care what I think, so what's the point in asking me?"

Silence followed, though Connan thought it was more of a shocked silence than anything else.

Before anyone could comment on Connan's unexpected outburst, Connan turned around and began walking as fast as she could without actually running toward Ahto East Central.

**XXXXX**

"Now that's _all _I'm going to say about that!" Firith insisted. "I'll testify it to the court, but that's all you're going to get out of me." Then he lifted up an eyebrow and licked his lips, running his eyes up and down Connan's figure. "Well, _you _might be able to get something else out of me."

Connan winked at him, ignoring the disgusted feeling creeping up her spine as his eyes wandered. "I might have to take you up on that, Mr. Me."

She'd been flirting with Firith Me since they'd entered. Her initial interrogation seemed to be getting them nowhere but angry, so she'd switched tactics and began to flirt as she asked questions. He took to it all too well, almost making Connan wish she hadn't started to flirt in the first place.

"Please," The man grasped Connan's hand and kissed it sloppily, giving a tiny lick before letting it go. Connan suddenly wished she'd worn her gloves. "Call me Firith."

Connan did so.

"Yes, well, I think it's time we were going, _Firith_," Carth spat, placing himself firmly in between Connan and the perverted man in front of her. He took a very deliberate step backward, making Connan back up if she didn't want him to crash right into her. "We'll make sure to contact you if we have more questions."

Firith glowered at Carth, who didn't waste any time in returning the look. Carth took more steps backward, forcing Connan out of the room before the door was shut in his face.

"Obviously the Sith are involved." Jolee concluded as they made their way into the hotel foyer. He seemed content to ignore the previous flirting-with-Firith and simply smirked as he talked. Connan frowned, wondering what he was thinking. "They paid Gluupor to plant Sunry's Hero's Cross on Elassa's body."

"And we know that Elassa was a Dark Jedi. Now what?" Mission finished.

Carth leaned against the wall, crossed his arms and generally looked like he was sulking. Mission flopped down on the couch and stretched out, her head on one end and her feet at the other. Connan used the Force to lift up Mission's feet and sat herself down, setting Mission's feet down in her lap.

Connan shrugged, looking around. "The Republic Embassy is just next door. Why don't we go check and see if _they _know anything?"

"We already did that." Carth retorted, staring at the ceiling and generally ignoring the fact that he was answering Connan's question. Connan swallowed to try and do the same thing. "And Roland was as tight-lipped as anyone about it."

"There's more than one way of getting information." Mission suggested.

Connan nodded. "Let's go find a computer."

Connan marched across the hallway to the Republic Embassy. Connan had decided to wait to give Roland the droid intelligence, in case he decided to tell them something they didn't know already in his desperation to get it, so she avoided his questions about it deftly and made her way into the computer room.

It was simple enough for Mission to hack into the restricted files on the computer. The screen instantly switched to a bluish tint, and a picture of a door appeared. The door opened and a young blonde woman entered, her black dress billowing out around her as she walked. Her walk was smug, as if she were satisfied with herself. Behind her walked in Sunry, who smiled at the woman when she looked at him but snarled when her back was turned.

Slowly, Sunry closed the door, pulled out a blaster, and shot Elassa in the back.

_He _lied _to me._

Connan's jaw dropped and her eyes widened before her stomach churned with nausea. She turned off the computer screen and whirled around to meet Jolee.

He looked much like she did. His mouth wasn't dropped, but it was set in a way that said he was sickened.

"He _did _do it." Connan seethed.

"I didn't know." Jolee admitted.

"He _did _do it! He stood there and _lied to us_!" Connan cried, her voice only a few notches below shouting. "He looked me in the face and _lied_!"

"What are we going to do?" Mission asked.

"We're going to bash his head in, that's what we're going to do!" Connan growled, storming out of the room and away from the Embassy, ignoring Roland Wann's confused calls to her.

"Connan, wait." Carth called, running with Jolee and Mission to catch up with her. "Think this through."

"What is there to think through?" Connan asked. She opened the doors between Ahto East Central to Ahto Central and kept walking.

"There has to be a logical explanation." Carth replied.

Connan stopped and whirled around to meet his eye. Forgetting about her list for a moment, she snapped at him. "Of _course _there's a logical explanation. There's _always _a logical explanation. I know! The Sith broke into the Republic Embassy and doctored up their own recordings to try and fool anyone who just so happened to hack into their systems." Connan scoffed. "It _couldn't _be that he—like _everyone else _lately—has lied to me about something _I should know_." She rolled her eyes and took a moment to bite her tongue—to stop the threat of tears. She wouldn't waste her self-pity in front of Carth. "Of course _I'm _the one in the wrong. Of course _I _have to be the one to rethink things. Everyone else gets things handed to them on silver platters while I'm stuck scrounging around for more excuses because of _course _I don't get to be correct in blaming other people. _That _privilege is only given to everyone else."

Connan's eyes widened and she snapped her mouth shut. She took a moment to rethink what she'd just said.

_Oh damn. I just yelled at Carth. How dumb am _I?

Carth, Mission, and Jolee stared at Connan as if she'd grown another head. None of them moved or said anything. It seemed Connan was good at making people speechless these days.

_I yelled at Carth. Gods, I can't do _anything _right with this man, can I?_

"I have _got _to stop talking in front of you." Connan murmured, mostly to herself. Carth winced, making Connan think he might have heard her. Before he could retaliate, Connan kept walking.

They were silent the rest of the way to Ahto West, simply because the others were trying to keep up with Connan. She strode past Elora (still standing in front of the jailhouse, still red-rimmed eyes, still slightly shaking with withheld sobs to look pathetic) and stormed into the jail, using the Force to shut the door and make sure it stayed sealed. Her three companions barely made it inside in time.

Connan whirled around to the Selkath inside the room and waved her arm at him. "You won't remember a thing once we leave."

The Selkath nodded. **"Yes. I won't remember a thing once you leave."**

Then Connan whirled to see Sunry. "There are a few things we should clear up."

"Shouldn't you be done with questions already? The trial is in four hours." Sunry shrugged. "No matter. Go ahead, ask. Ask what you need to; I've got nothing to hide."

Connan balled her hands into fists, barely restraining herself from shouting. Her voice was calm and lucid (or at least at a painless decibel), but inside her mind was screaming _liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar!_

"Why did you feel the need to _lie _to us and tell us you were actually innocent?" Connan snarled. Sunry opened his mouth to retort but Connan cut him off. "We found the fraking recording, Sunry, don't you dare lie again!"

Sunry sighed. "So the truth is out. I never meant to kill her, you know. When I found out she was a Sith spy using me to gain information, something inside me just _snapped_.

"She didn't know I'd found out. So I waited until she fell asleep, and then I… I… I killed her. Simple, really. But once I'd realized what I'd done, I panicked. I contacted those spies from the Republic embassy to help me. They found the illegal monitoring device that the Sith had planted in the room, altered its recording to hide my part in it, and cleared up the evidence. I figured that was the end of it."

Connan nodded, her eyes narrowing. "But the Sith found out about it, didn't they?"

Sunry nodded. "The Sith must have been spying on me and Elassa, trying to make sure she wasn't a double agent. They must have seen the Republic spies getting rid of all the evidence, so they planted their own. Elassa must have stolen that Hero's Cross from me long ago, and given it to her Sith Masters, like some kind of trophy. I just thought I'd misplaced it. But when the Cross turned up on her body, I _knew _the Sith had put it there!" He took a deep breath and let it out. "So, now you know the whole story. What are you going to do?"

Connan rubbed her temples. Her head was pounding, now. The pressure behind her head was steadily building itself up. "You're guilty, Sunry. Confess."

Sunry gave a small gasp. "You think I'm some sort of monster, don't you? All I did was kill a Sith! How many Sith have _you _killed? Dozens? Hundreds? _Thousands_?"

Connan opened her mouth to retort but was interrupted by Jolee. "That's different, Sunry, and you know it! We don't kill them in cold blood while they sleep."

"I don't see how the two of us are any different. She was a spy; she was using me to get information, so Malak's army could destroy the Republic. She deserved to die!" Sunry exclaimed.

_She deserved to die?_

Connan paled. That description was a bit too close to her own predicament for comfort. After all, wasn't that what Carth saw her as? Granted, she wasn't supposedly for Malak's army, but an army all her own.

_Do _I _deserve to die, too?_

Connan scoffed inside her head, pushing that thought away for the moment. "Killing your lover while she sleeps is murder—even if she is a Sith!"

Sunry shook his head roughly. "If I confess, I'm looking at twenty years in prison! And the Ahto City officials might even place kolto sanctions on the Republic embassy. Without kolto, how can we treat the injuries of our soldiers on the front lines?"

Connan had been paying enough attention since their arrival to understand that particular predicament. "Excuses, Sunry." She replied. "You know you have to own up to your crimes."

Sunry threw his arms out as far as his cage would let him. "No. I can't do that. It'd put the Republic's supply of kolto in danger. No, I _won't_!

"Now, look. I may have done something stupid, and it may only be worse by my standing by it, but I _will not _confess! If you turn me in, the Republic will likely lose its kolto export privileges, and then we'll lose the war for sure! Are you going to send all those thousands—millions, like Taris!—to their deaths just for your sense of justice?"

At this Connan actually recoiled. She leapt backward as if she'd been shocked. A cloud seemed to wrap itself around her head, fogging up the next few moments as she was lost in her own thoughts. The pressure seemed to intensify tenfold.

_Gods…. Taris had been my fault too, hadn't it?_

No, Malak bombed Taris to get to Bastila. Connan had _nothing _to do with the destruction of Taris.

_That doesn't matter. You fell. You were dumb enough to fall into a Jedi trap. Bastila was over Taris watching _you_. Taris could just as easily be blamed on _you_._

Connan opened her mouth to reply but closed it again just as quickly. She seemed to be struggling with the words to say.

"I—" She swallowed. She could hear her pounding heart through her ears. Could the others hear it, too? "Taris was—I mean—"

"_Sunry_," Jolee stressed, stepping in between Connan and Sunry. "This is wrong and you know it. I am a Jedi. What is it you expect me to do to defend your actions?"

Sunry shrugged and crossed his arms. "You do whatever you have to, Jolee. I know what I did, but I also know what's at stake here. No, I'll rot in here if I have to, but I won't betray the Republic. Do what you have to, but know what the consequences will be."

Connan shook her head, completely aghast. She turned and stomped back through the door.

"Connan? Are you—" Mission went after her.

"I can't do this." Connan murmured. She ran a hand through her hair, jerking her ponytail out and getting her fingers tangled in the messy locks. "I can't. Not now."

"Connan," Carth actually reached a hand out toward her.

"Don't touch me!" Connan flinched, backing up. She saw the hurt look in Carth's eyes and looked away. "Damn it. _Damn it_. Look, just—just let me think things through, okay? Here." She took off her bag and laid it on the ground in front of Carth. "Just…let me think."

And with that, Connan turned and disappeared into Ahto Central.

**XXXXX**

Back in Ahto West, Jolee turned back to the jailhouse and went inside.

"Sunry," Jolee groaned. "_Sunry_. You don't know what you've done, do you?"

"What have I done, Jolee?" Sunry asked, his voice haughty.

Jolee growled. "That lass has the power to decide the fate of the _galaxy_. She's got enough problems and I do _not _appreciate people messing with her head at a time like this."

Sunry remained silent, his arms crossed and his eyes stubborn.

"Her loyalty's been severely shaken, and right when I am _this close _to fixing it to where she's normal again, _this _happens." Jolee scolded. "If she ends up doing something she'll regret because of you, I—I—I don't even _know _what I'll do, but it won't be pretty."

"I'm sorry, old friend, but I won't betray the Republic." Sunry tightened his crossed arms and looked away.

Jolee shook his head in disgust. "You already have, old friend." He gave one last pitying look and went back outside.

Carth had picked up Connan's bag and was staring at it, frowning. "Why did she leave her bag? It has everything in it, her lightsabers, her mines, her credits… everything."

Jolee sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Collateral."

"What do you mean?" Mission asked.

Jolee caught Carth's eye and held it in place. "She gave it to Carth as a show of good faith that she's actually going to come back."

Mission paled. She stared at Carth with malice in her eyes. She hit his shoulder. "You _jerk_! It's _your _fault she's like this in the first place!"

"_My _fault?" Carth asked, pointing to himself. "How is any of this _my _fault?"

"If you hadn't _'made it clear that you wouldn't let your personal feelings get in the way of the mission'_, she wouldn't be tiptoeing around all of us like we were going to eat her if she made one small slip-up!" Mission used her fingers to make quote marks and spoke in a deep, mocking voice.

Carth looked completely stunned. "There's no way you can blame _that _on _me_. In case you didn't notice, she was giving _me _the extremely cold shoulder when I tried to help her just now!"

"That wasn't the cold shoulder, you blind old man! That was—"

"_Stop_." Jolee ordered, his voice quiet and calm. Both Carth and Mission stopped arguing to stare at him. "This isn'thelping."

Mission sighed. "What can we do?"

Jolee looked around, seeing Elora trying her hardest to eavesdrop on their conversation. He shook his head sadly. "All we can do is wait." He murmured.

**XXXXX**

"_Do we have an agreement, little one?"_

_The child—no more than six—crossed its arms and did its best to snarl. "I suppose I have no choice…. But I don't trust you. How do I know you won't turn on me?"_

"_I'm afraid at this point you have little more than my word to suffice. You shall simply have to trust that a woman such as myself would not harm a child as young as you." The old lady smirked. "Besides, do I _look _like a slaver?"_

"_You don't _look _like anything I've ever seen before." The small child uncrossed its arms, its dark brown hair shifting as it shook its head. "And I've learned not to trust what I don't know."_

"_Hmm." The old woman rubbed her chin thoughtfully. She then knelt down to the child's height and placed a hand on the child's shoulder. "But what if you _did _know?"_

_The child raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"_

"_What if I give you a crash-course on the Force?"_

_Another frown. "The Force?"_

"_Yes." _

"_I don't know what that is."_

"_Ah, but wouldn't you like to learn?"_

_The child's bright auburn eyes widened. "I guess you got a deal, Lady." The child threw out her hand brazenly._

_The old woman took the child's hand and shook it. "I am called Kreia." The woman stated._

_The small, five-year old girl grinned. "I call me Revan." _

Connan shut her eyes tightly the moment the memory let her go. She rubbed at her eyes frantically, trying to regain some moisture. She sighed, leaning against the wall and gritting her teeth in aggravation.

She sat inside the hotel, scrunched into a corner where she hoped no one would find her. Just to be sure, she'd moved a potted plant in front of her view of the entrance and sat as still as possible. She didn't want to be worried about someone coming across her; not when she had something so important to think about.

The thought of defending Sunry now was so repulsive it made her literally sick to her stomach. One of the reasons she kept as still as possible was so she didn't lose her breakfast.

Or whenever it was she'd eaten last. Last she knew, she only had an hour to two before Sunry's trial started, and she still didn't have a clue what she was going to do.

She _should _give the evidence to the Selkath Council. Sunry _did _murder Elassa. He deserved to be punished for that. Worse than that, he'd used his hero status to pull strings and drag the Republic Embassy into whatever trouble he'd caused. He should be jailed for a very long time for his crime.

But if she turned him in, the Selkath could take away the Republic's kolto supply. Without kolto, the Republic soldiers wouldn't heal as quickly. Many more people would die, and they might not even win the war, whether or not Connan actually ended up killing Malak.

Could Connan live with the guilt of killing thousands beyond thousands of people?

That was what it came down to, wasn't it? Betray her own sense of justice (was it really her own? How did she know it wasn't _programmed _into her like everything else had been?) and keep Sunry safe to keep the Republic safe, or turn him in and risk the lives of countless innocents?

The catalyst to her predicament walked into the hotel and nodded to her in the corner. Ignus the manager walked back to his desk and stood dutifully in place. He'd combed his hair over to cover his bald spot and looked like he'd spiffed up for the trial.

Though he didn't know it, the fate of the trial rested quietly on his shoulders. Well, halfway, at any rate. The other half lay with Connan.

Connan swallowed her pride one last time and stood up, stretching. Finally making her decision, Connan made her way toward Ignus the hotel manager.

**XXXXX**

Carth tried to keep himself from pacing around the courtroom, but found it futile. He ran a hand through his hair and kept up the steady walk back and forth next to the wall. His right hand gripped Connan's bag in a death grip. At that moment he wouldn't have let it go if he was attacked by the Sith.

There were ten minutes left until the trial, and still no sign of Connan.

Carth rubbed his eyes, trying to ignore the guilt that had been riddling him since early that morning. When he'd asked to go with them it was because he was bored, but he had to admit that he wanted to try and spend some time with Connan. He wanted to see if making amends was possible.

By the many outbursts Connan had that day, he had to think it wasn't too possible. According to a very agitated Mission, Connan hadn't been that irritable until Carth asked to tag along. He'd seen the way her lip curled as she thought over letting him tag along (was he _that _reprehensible to her now?). And then when he'd persisted, she'd snapped at the whole crew (which until that moment had been unheard of. She'd been irritated before, but she'd never scolded the whole crew like they were a waste of her time before) and the rest of the day seemed to go downhill.

They'd gone to talk to Ignus Gluupor and Firith Me, and Carth hadn't known he could get so angry before.

Firith started out by making subtle passes at Connan that she hadn't even picked up on. They'd been detected by Carth, though, and they'd put him on edge immediately. Carth had been almost certain that they wouldn't be able to get anything out of Firith when Connan's demeanor suddenly changed. She sat all her weight on one hip and put on a smirk (Carth could tell it was fake. Her eyes practically radiated disgust as she continued the conversation) and tried to appear as lackadaisical as possible. She began catching Firith's comments and flinging back her own.

And Carth had been seized by anger so quickly he didn't realize his mood had gone downhill. This man—this _Pazaak player_—was making Connan reduce herself to flirting shamelessly to get the information needed out of him. How _dare _he?

How could she flirt with someone like him? It wasn't like he couldn't tell she was simply trying to get his information out of him, but _still_. Simply the _thought _of watching Connan flirt with such scum made his insides churn with anger.

And… jealousy?

Before his mind could catch up with his train of thought, Firith had grasped Connan's hand and placed a sloppy kiss on top. Connan's revolted face finally made him snap. Carth put himself between Connan and Firith and got them out as quickly as possible.

The door to the courtroom opened and Carth's head shot up. He sighed when he saw Ignus the hotel manager walking through and went back to his pacing.

That display in Ahto East Central earlier that day hadn't been any better. Any thoughts Carth had had about making up with Connan had been obliterated at her latest outburst. It had been aimed directly at him, and she'd clearly stated what she thought of him.

"_I have _got _to stop talking in front of you."_

Carth shook his head. Why should he let that hurt him? His words had hurt her so much she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Why should he be so surprised? He seemed to be good at destroying relationships with people.

And then… when he thought things couldn't get any worse, she leaves everything she has in his possession and leaves.

Carth's grip on her bag tightened. His guilt at making Connan resort to collateral had been almost overpowered by how touched he was that she'd given all of her things to _him_. She could just have easily have given them to Jolee or Mission, who had been making an effort to try and get her back to normal.

But… did she really think she needed to _prove _she would come back? What made her think she needed to constantly verify her good intentions?

Surely not Carth. Surely his words hadn't affected her _that _much.

"Well, where is she?" Mission asked. "Is she even coming? What if she doesn't show?"

"She'll be here." Jolee insisted.

"What do you think she's going to do?" Carth asked.

Jolee thought for a moment. "I honestly don't know. She can either convict him or defend him."

"Are you worried she's going to convict him?" Mission asked cautiously.

Jolee shook his head. "No. I'm much more worried she's going to defend him."

Carth swallowed nervously. He didn't know what he was worried about.

Don't get him wrong; Carth had sworn to protect the Republic at all costs. He didn't want to see anything bad happen to it, especially while he was on a mission to save it once and for all.

Still, he knew the difference between right and wrong. Sunry and the Republic Embassy were very much in the wrong for murdering Elassa, and for offering protection for such a thing. Sunry deserved to be taken down a few levels. He needed to be humbled. Maybe if Connan made him confess at the beginning, they would simply punish Sunry and leave the Republic out of it.

But he doubted it.

The doors opened again and the Sith arbiter walked in, smugly making his way toward the front and introducing himself to the judges.

Connan walked in behind him.

She didn't look all that different. Her hair was down completely, which looked very strange on her, and her eyes were bloodshot.

"Sorry I'm a bit late." She said to Jolee.

Jolee simply hugged her.

"**Do we have the defense arbiter's permission to start the trial now?"** One of the Selkath judges asked.

Connan nodded. "You do." She turned to Jolee and smiled sadly. It still didn't reach her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Jolee stared at her, his eyes hard and his tone serious. "Lass, you have done absolutely _nothing _to be sorry for."

And Connan gave him a small—_real—_smile.

Force, Carth was _not _jealous that Jolee could make Connan smile. Would he never be able to talk to her with a snarl coming onto her face again?

Then Connan turned and headed toward the panel of judges. She seemed unusually calm at that point in time. A few hours before, she'd been nearly foaming at the mouth with stress and anger.

"**Let the record show that the trial of Sunry vs. the Ahto City Authority has commenced." **The centermost Selkath began. **"This trial is to determine the culpability of Sunry in the death of the Sith Elassa.**

"**Representing Sunry in his defense is a member of the Jedi Order. Do you have any opening statements?"**

It seemed everyone's breath stuck in the backs of throats, and Carth felt sure Connan could feel the gazes burning into the back of her skull. She remained silent for a moment as she stared at each judge one at a time.

Then she opened her mouth and spoke plainly. "I will find Sunry innocent."

**XXXXX**

**I know, I know. If you find him guilty they don't sanction the Republic any, but I consider that a typo in the game. If they placed sanctions on the embassies for **_**brawling**_**, then they sure as hell would cut off kolto completely for one side murdering the other—or helping to cover it up. Maybe the Selkath wouldn't have done anything to the Republic if they had simply turned Sunry in.**

**I also know that Ignus the hotel manager's words have no effect on the Council's decicions. I also consider that a typo. How stupid is that? Was he discredited somehow and we not know about it? -.-;;**

**At any rate, I don't like Sunry. He's a jerk. Elora's a bit whiny, but I wish there was an option to kill Sunry yourself after you declare him innocent. Even if I was Light Side I'd kill him.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own KotOR or Evanescence, although I'm negotiating with George Lucas. We're still in the "Hell no, get off my gate" stage. I'll get into Skywalker Ranch one of these days!**

_**Amme Moto**_


	5. Bully

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Five: Bully**

"_If she can't remember when she loses her temper, nobody knows her but tonight her silence is over."_

**XXXXX**

"**This court hereby finds Sunry innocent of the murder of the Sith Elassa."**

Sunry let out a sigh of relief. The Sith arbiter's jaw dropped. Connan bit her tongue to try and hide her mortification.

"**In addition," **The Selkath went on. **"This court finds the Sith Empire guilty of conspiracy and obstruction of justice."**

The Sith arbiter looked horrified. "Your Honors! No!"

Connan looked away, hating to actually feel sorry for a Sith.

"**The verdict has been delivered and this trial is now over."**

"Oh, Sunry, I'm so glad." Elora cried, throwing her arms around the innocent murderer and hugging him tightly.

"Elora," Sunry replied.

Jolee, Carth, and Mission stayed silent, no one willing to look at the happy couple or at Connan. Connan grabbed her bag and all but ran out of the courtroom. Her three companions had to be quick to keep up with her.

Sunry had the bad inspiration to approach Connan as she entered the street. He folded his hands together in front of his chest and grinned. "Thank you for saving me. I don't know how I can repay you. Elora and I are going to leave here and get as far away from all of this as soon as we can."

Connan's eyes narrowed, ignoring the ever-building pain behind her eyes. "You can't run from what you did."

Sunry turned indignant. "Do you still intend to lecture an old man?"

_I hate you._

The thought was in Connan's mind so fast she didn't think twice about it. How _dare _he ask her what she _intends _to do? She'd just saved his life, she'd just rescued the Republic embassy from screwing themselves over for covering up his murder, and all he could do was pout because she was about to _lecture _him?

She could see Sunry flinch at her unforgiving stare. He scratched at his throat sheepishly.

Entering Sunry's personal space, Connan stood nose-to-nose, making her voice very quiet and still just as threatening. "I intend to warn a murderer. Just because you're moving doesn't mean you're leaving your past behind. If you have any sort of conscience left, it will eat you up inside. It will follow you everywhere you go, and you won't be able to go one single day without thinking about it." She lowered her voice even more, so even her friends behind her couldn't hear her. "Consider yourself lucky, Sunry. The only reason I haven't killed you yet is because you're Jolee's friend, and I'm running out of allies. But if I _ever _see you again after today…." She shrugged, letting the silence speak for her.

Sunry paled. He backed up a few steps.

_Force I hate you. _Connan shook her head. _I loathe you. I despise you._

Connan blinked at herself. _What?_

This wasn't normal. Connan never _hated _people. She didn't like them, or she looked down upon them, but she never outright _hated_ anyone. It just wasn't in her.

Her head was now pounding steadily. Connan set her jaw and _made _her face look blank. "Good-bye, Sunry." Connan nodded her head to him. "Elora."

Then she turned to her right and disappeared into Manaan.

**XXXXX**

Carth saw Connan disappear behind a door into another Manaan street and bolted after her. He knew if he let her get away they would never find her again until she wanted to be found.

And when would that be, really?

"I _hate _it when she does that." Mission grumbled.

"Jolee…." Sunry started. "You should know—"

"No, I really shouldn't." Jolee interrupted. He stared in the direction Connan and Carth took off in. "I don't want to hear it." He shook his head at his old friend. "I wish you well on your journey, and I hope you can start a new life together that will be better than this one." _But I doubt it, _his mind finished. From the look Sunry had on his face, whatever Connan said to him had affected him badly. He wouldn't be forgetting this anytime soon.

Jolee grasped Mission by the arm and dragged her down the street.

A few yards down they met with Carth, who huffed and leaned his arms against his knees for support.

"She's gone." He stated between breaths. "I looked everywhere. She's just _gone_."

Mission stared, wide-eyed. "Did she leave anything?"

When Carth shook his head, Jolee tried to stamp down the fear that suddenly bubbled up.

"We need to find her, then." He concluded. "Let's split up."

**XXXXX**

Connan grasped at her juma juice and downed it in one gulp. She sighed and nodded her thanks to the bartender as he refilled her drink.

Her head pounded against her eyes, taking them out of focus for a moment. She shut them for a long time and opened them slowly. _I am _not _about to see another memory._

She took another drink of juma juice.

_I'm just so angry. _She thought. _My head hurts. It's practically pounding. _She closed her eyes and tried to shut out what was happening. _I don't want another memory. I wish it would stop. I'm not that person. I'm _not _Darth Revan!_

And yet, deep inside, she knew she was wrong. Her inner self argued with her denial.

_You lie._

Connan ran her hands through her hair, tugging on the loose locks. She wondered where she'd put her hair band.

_I don't!_

Inside her head, her inner self laughed. _You hypocrite. You can call everyone else a liar but you can't handle it when someone points out your own faults?_

Shaking her head, Connan gulped down another juma juice. She grit her teeth when the pain simply amplified. _Stop. Please stop._

Connan could feel the pressure building behind her eyes. She shut them and rubbed them as hard as she could. The pain multiplied.

_I can't do this in public._

As she made her way toward the exit, she heard the voice reply to her. _You're pathetic._

Connan snarled, not noticing the man in front of her until she plowed into him. She nearly toppled over beside him, but he reached out and caught her. He tugged her back upright.

"Connan? Are you all right?"

Connan froze. She knew that voice.

_Oh, Gods, no. Not now. Please not now._

She jerked back from Carth's arms, staring up at him with wide eyes.

"What's wrong, Connan?" Carth asked, looking genuinely concerned. He reached out for her, flinching slightly when she jolted away. His look changed from worried to determined. "What is wrong?"

"I—" Her voice broke. Connan cleared her throat, hoping the squeaky tone wasn't going to come back when she next spoke. "I have to go." She quickly walked around Carth and out of the cantina. She entered Ahto West and turned down an alley.

The pressure inside her head started to wrap around her eyes, trying to force its way out. She leaned against the wall and shut her eyes, trying to keep it inside. She took deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. Her breath caught, and it sounded more labored than soothing.

Footsteps echoed through the alley. Connan glanced down the side street and groaned. Carth had followed her from the cantina and down the alley. She would have to chase him off.

_Or you could let him see you are who you say you aren't. _Her wretched self suggested. Connan ignored it.

"Carth, _leave me alone_." She pleaded, backing further down the alley. "Please."

Carth straightened. He seemed to come to a decision and balled his hands into fists. He squared his shoulders and looked straight at Connan. "I will not leave you when you look like you're about to drop." He clarified.

Connan couldn't let herself feel special at those words. She couldn't. She focused on pushing her headache back, ignoring Carth altogether. Maybe, since he wouldn't leave, she could make the headache go away before it—

The pressure intensified tenfold at the thought. Connan winced, rubbing her head. She couldn't hold back anymore. This was it. The next time she blinked, it would happen.

She had to get away before then.

"Connan, what is _wrong_?" Carth asked, reaching out again and snagging her arm. He held it tightly, but not enough to hurt. His voice sounded as desperate as Connan's had.

"Nothing. I'm fine. Leave me alone." Connan spat, trying to pull away, trying her hardest to keep her eyes open and under her control. Carth held fast. The urge to blink became unbearable. She tried again with another lie. "Sunry's case just upset me. I swear. Go away."

Carth scoffed. "Yeah, right. I can tell the difference between being upset and feeling crippling pain."

_Translation: He sees right through you. _Her inner voice interpreted.

The pain, coupled with Connan's thoughts and her own inner fear, caused her to make one final attempt at solitude. "Force, no one will just leave me alone! Does everyone assume that whenever I leave you all to yourselves, I'm plotting to take over the galaxy? Is _that _why you followed me?"

Carth flinched. "Stop."

Good. A reaction she could use. She took a steadying breath, which simply hitched and choked inside, dissipating and making her thirst for breath again. "Hit on the truth, did I? Wouldn't want me to go blow up another planet, would we? Of course, these days, simply my presence puts the entire planet at risk." She scoffed, trying to hold back the urge to blink. She was doing a remarkably good job, she thought.

"You're trying to distract me." Carth maintained.

"Am I? May I remind you that I practically just saved the Republic, in theory, by letting that murderer go free? What, is this my reward for doing a job well done? Do I get a _visible escort _instead of suspicious glances and hushed whispers you _people_ think I can't hear? You get to come with me in my quest to forget my life by consuming so much alcohol I can't even speak. Lucky you."

Connan spoke the last part with such venom that Carth cringed.

"And you're going to justify it to yourself by saying that you're just looking out for me." She scoffed. "Well, you might be looking out for _me, _but it's only because you'll probably only get one surprise shot in if I actually pull some Dark Side act, which you apparently have no trouble seeing me do. Heh." She looked away now, too angry at herself for saying such things to Carth, even if it was only to drive him away. "I wish you'd stop. I can't stand you looking at me." She tried again to pull back. "So just go _away_, already."

Carth's grip tightened. "You don't mean that. I know you don't mean that."

"I—"

The pressure inside her mind gave one last push. Connan's knees buckled and she let out a choked sob. She shut her eyes tightly, trying to hold back what was about to happen. She wrenched her arm away from Carth, using it to cover her ears, as if they we in pain, too.

_No. Not here. Not now. Anywhere else. Please!_

For one single, solitary moment there was absolute silence. The throbbing inside Connan's head was gone, the pain was nonexistent, the outside noise of Manaan disappeared into nothing, even Carth's alarmed cry reverberated though nothing and stopped before it reached Connan.

Then the pressure rammed into her once again, forcing her eyes open and releasing what she'd been holding back.

The sheer force of her memory threw her back up, against the wall behind her. She slammed into the wall, startling Carth into standing back up. He stared at Connan in absolute shock.

Connan wasn't paying attention. All she could see was the movie playing in front of her that happened to be about both herself and her worst enemy.

Who, ironically, happened to be the same person.

**XXXXX**

Carth's jaw dropped.

"Connan?" He asked. Connan didn't respond. She just sat there, wide-eyed, horrified at what she was seeing.

He reached out to try and touch what floated before him. Another hand came out of no where and stopped him.

"I wouldn't touch that." Jolee advised. "No telling what could happen." He crossed his arms and sighed. "We'll just have to wait it out."

Carth didn't like it, but there was nothing in particular he could do about it. He grit his teeth and tried as hard as possible to not wring his hands.

_She didn't mean that, _he found himself thinking. _She just said it to drive me away, to stop me from seeing this. She _really _didn't mean that._

_Did she?_

**XXXXX**

"_My Lord! Forgive me!"_

_The man fell to his knees, his hands clasped in front of him, shaking and raised toward the cloaked woman in front of him. His head was bowed, his eyes closed tightly. He seemed to be sweating profusely._

_He also adamantly ignored the bodies of his crewmates around him._

_The woman sneered. Her yellowed eyes glared at the man, her eyebrows rising up in irritated surprise. _

"_Forgive you?" She hissed. "Why would I do such a thing? Did I forgive your crew?" She clenched a fist and raised it. The man grasped his throat, rising up into the air, his feet hovering inches from the ground. "Tell me, when I order you to kill Ambassador Cholanda and _only _Ambassador Cholanda, do I mean you should take out three or four people trying to get to him?"_

"_No, you don't, My L—!" The woman clenched her fist tightly. The man scratched at his throat, breaking the skin. Blood trailed down his neck. He tried again. "Darth Revan, My Lord! I beg your forgiveness!"_

_The woman—Revan—relaxed her grip, letting the man hit the ground, not bothering to try and break his fall. She sneered as he tried to stand. "Yes, beg. You have cost me quite a few cover-ups, Captain, and I do not appreciate extra work." She stepped over toward the man and stared down at him. "Grovel, idiot."_

_The man cringed, practically throwing himself into the prone position, with his forehead plastered to the cold metal ground. "I beg for forgiveness a thousand times over, Lord Revan." The man exhaled a shaky breath. "My life is yours. Do with it what you will."_

_Revan grinned, both with her eyes and with her mouth, but the look was more feral than sane. As soon as the look was there, it was gone, showing nothing but disgust. She swept her hand to the side, throwing the man across the room and into the wall. _

_Before the man could react, Revan whirled around, drew her lightsaber and ignited it. She thrust it into the wall, only inches from the man's abdomen. She snarled at his frightened scream._

"_You will report to Lord Malak." She growled. "You will inform him that I am leaving for the planet to fix your problem myself." She snickered to herself. "And you will let him do what he will to you."_

_The Captain's eyes widened in horror. Malak was notoriously worse with punishments that Revan was._

_Revan's eyes narrowed at the Captain's expression. "Are you questioning me?" She slid her saber—still in the wall—sideways, closer to the man's ribcage. She could hear his skin sizzling, and even smell the flesh. "You _will _report to Lord Malak. If I find out you haven't, so help me I'll leave you on Tatooine with the Sarlacc. Am I understood?"_

"_Yes, My Lord!" The Captain whimpered._

_Revan smirked. "Good." She rammed her knee into the man's stomach before she sheathed her lightsaber and withdrew from the man. She listened to his retching for a moment before sweeping out of the room and toward the exit._

**XXXXX**

As quickly as the memory had started, it was gone.

Connan hit the ground, knocking her head against the stone floor. Jolee was upon her instantly, sitting her up and leaning her against the wall. Her eyes, now bloodshot from the length of the—whatever they'd just seen—stared listlessly in front of her, as if she couldn't really see anything at all.

The next moment Carth knelt beside him, and they both began bombarding Connan with questions.

"Are you all right?"

"What just happened?"

"Is your head hurt at all?"

"You should try blinking a few times."

"Connan, what _was _that?"

She absorbed them all, not answering a single one of them, simply listening. She seemed to be trying to make sense of what it was she'd seen.

But Jolee already had a good idea of what she'd seen, and it gave him chills. He hoped his hypothesis was wrong, but deep inside he knew it wasn't.

Revan's memories were coming back.

Instead of fear, Jolee felt a rush of pity. _The poor girl,_ he thought, _thinking she had to go through that all alone. What made her think that, anyway? Why would she start hiding this from us if we already know she's Revan?_

Finally Connan took in a shaky breath—Jolee could see the way she tried to control her quivering shoulders, to try and hide that she was trembling—and tried to stand.

**XXXXX**

When Connan tried to get up, Carth instantly pushed her back down. She didn't try a second time, and actually tried to shrink away from him, as if he'd been out to hurt her and not keep her still.

"You're not going anywhere, beautiful." He ordered. "Just sit here for a few minutes and _breathe_."

Again, Connan didn't answer, she simply closed her eyes and took another breath. Jolee stood straight up, complaining about his back, and leaned against the opposite wall, watching Connan intently.

Deep inside, Carth was sick at heart. _So _this _is what she didn't want us to know._ He thought. _This whole time, we've been suspecting her of different things, and _no one _had predicted this. Even I didn't, and I'm supposed to be the one who knows her best. _He shook his head, completely disgusted with himself.

_I'd been so horrible to her all those weeks ago, she must have thought everyone turned against her the moment I had. That would account for doing everything by herself, as well. If no one trusted her, there would be no way she'd ever trust anyone while on a mission. So she went alone._

_I'm a pig._

He stood up as well, finally listening to his screaming legs to stretch them out. He kept a watch on Connan, though. No telling what she would do, anymore.

**XXXXX**

When Connan tried to stand and Carth pushed her back down, she complied immediately. She really didn't want Carth to hit her, and that's what she'd assumed he'd do to a Sith Lord.

Then he told her to sit there and breathe. Connan felt herself turn to stone, and not even the Force in all its strength could move her until a few minutes went by.

So Connan took another breath, closed her eyes, and started to count down from five hundred by .03.

The three occupants of the alley all stayed silent, but Connan's thoughts were racing on the inside.

_They know_.

The thought sent a wave of nausea coursing through her. Carth stood up, with Jolee, and both of them scrutinized Connan, watching her intently, staring down at her from their standing positions. Probably scorning her.

She didn't react outwardly, though on the inside she began steeling herself against more inspection and suspicion and scorn and hate and malcontent and wariness that she almost succeeded in drowning out her own feelings. If she over prepared herself for what was to come, the actual attack wouldn't seem so bad.

Oh, well. If they wanted to yell and scream and insult and accuse, she wouldn't stop them. Hell, she couldn't even blame them. She'd probably throw in a couple of suggestions for them to use. She wouldn't mind at all. If anything, she probably deserved it.

Still, even as emotionless as she'd forced herself to become, she still couldn't stop the fear, paired with loneliness, crawling up her spine. She kept herself from staring at Carth, but it was a near thing. She knew exactly what was going to happen after this.

_He's going to tell everyone_.

He would. In his sense of "protecting the Republic and the crew", he would announce to the world that Revan was coming back; that the memories were returning, and everyone that Connan had come to depend on would turn on her as quickly as they could.

Her entire crew was gone, basically. She bit her tongue, forcing herself not to cry at the thought of Mission's disgusted and terrified face.

And still, even after all Connan had done to people—what she _knew _she'd done but couldn't remember—her selfishness kept resurfacing.

_I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose Mission. _She took in another breath, this one less shaky than the others. _I'd give away the rest of my dignity—what little there is left of it, anyway—to keep them. _

When she finally finished counting, she stood up again. Carth let her this time, simply watching her every move as she stood up. She made herself go slowly, almost slow enough to knock her off balance, so he wouldn't get jumpy and assume she was going to attack him or something.

**XXXXX**

When Connan stood up again, Carth let her, watching her and making sure she wasn't going to collapse on him. That intense display before nearly had him panicked, and he didn't want to be subject to that again. Better to keep a close eye on her (which was good in the first place, since she was recovering her footing way too slowly and looked as if she were going to fall over any minute) and make sure she's going to be okay, right?

Finally she opened her mouth to speak. She looked Carth in the eye. He really wished she hadn't. Her bright green eyes, usually so vibrant and full of energy, were now dull and lethargic, yet edged with a hard look. She was ready for whatever they would throw at her.

Then her cheeks turned bright red and she looked to the ground instead.

"Please," She pleaded quietly. The tone alone made Carth stop in his tracks. He'd _never _heard Connan sound so desperate before. "_Please _don't tell Mission."

_Huh?_

**XXXXX**

Jolee could feel Carth's confusion even without the Force, but Jolee himself knew Connan enough to figure out what she meant.

It made him sick.

"_It seems to me that if you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore."_

Mission was going to hate herself the moment she found out about her error. How long had Connan been tortured by that statement? She must have been convinced that everyone was against her from the start. Even after every single crewman swearing loyalty to her, as soon as her memories started resurfacing, she'd considered all their swearing and vowing to be null. As soon as that next memory hit, everyone became a potential enemy.

Jolee reached out for Connan at that moment, and she flinched backward, probably expecting him to strike her or try to pin her down—who knew what she really thought anymore?—and was instantly out of arms reach again. She stepped back a step as if she were about to disappear into Manaan again.

"We won't." He replied immediately, hoping she wouldn't leave. She stopped and stared at him, obvious distrust in her eyes. "I promise, Connan." She cocked an eyebrow. "You have my word."

It seemed to appease her. She took one glance at Carth—only a fleeting glance; long enough to see that he was clearly not paying attention to her—and shrugged off her bag. She tossed it to Jolee and turned to leave.

Jolee didn't stop to see her go. He caught her bag deftly, put it on, and left the alley himself. He didn't look at anyone, didn't see where he was going, he simply walked until he made it to the ship.

After reassuring Canderous, Juhani, and Mission that Connan was in fact as well as she could be, he retreated to the abandoned dorm, the room that they left solely to Connan.

Even this act of respect seemed like an act of betrayal, now. How could they have left her alone in a room by herself for so long? That kind of isolation—while meant as a peace offering of her privacy—now looked like abandonment and fear.

Jolee sat on an unused cot and shrugged off the backpack, letting it fall to the ground with a _clunk_. He put his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. He took a deep breath and let it out, trying to convince himself that he was too old for tears.

It wasn't working.

**XXXXX**

When Connan disappeared, Carth was still standing in the alleyway, trying to sort through everything he was feeling. Even as Jolee left, carrying Connan's bag (and yes, he'd seen that Connan had tossed it to Jolee, and not to Carth, but at the moment that seemed trivial) Carth remained, simply staring at where Connan used to stand, trying to understand what had just happened.

_I must be the biggest jerk in the galaxy._

He knew it was true, too. Even when he'd realized he'd been wrong to corner Connan, he hadn't done anything about it, assuming that she was still the same old Connan, who was simply angry at him for turning against her, and he couldn't bring himself to apologize for such cruel comments. He hadn't realized that—he never could have guessed that—

But she wasn't the same old Connan. How could he honestly have expected her to stay the same, after being told she was responsible for the deaths of millions of Republic citizens and she simply couldn't remember?

Connan was scared, Carth could tell. When she'd implored their secrecy, she made no move to protect her dignity. She instead laid it out in front of them, sounding as desperate as possible, practically begging them for a promise of their silence. And her promise was such a menial task it humbled Carth all the more.

"_Please don't tell Mission."_

Carth wasn't dumb. It might have taken him a few moments to figure out what she'd meant by that, but once he'd placed it, he felt even more shame than before.

_Connan thinks they're all going to throw her to the wolves now._

Carth became angry. _Why _would she think that?

That in itself was a dumb question. She _thought _that because he'd told her that he wouldn't let her betray the Republic no matter what, and _she _thought that her memories coming back counted as that betrayal.

And really, he didn't _care _anymore. He just wanted things to go back to normal. He wanted to be able to reach out and touch Connan—even accidentally—without her flinching back or thinking she'd done something wrong and had to defend herself.

He'd messed this up, he knew, and damn it if he wasn't going to fix it.

**XXXXX**

**Sorry for the delay, guys, both on this and ESB. My Granny's been in the hospital lately. T.T;; I have the next chapter of ESB almost done, so that should go up tomorrow if I'm lucky.**

**Also, if I suddenly drop off the face of the planet, it's because I'm grounded for failing Calculus. Not my fault, though. It's a long story. Anyone out there who's good at calculus? ((crikee crikee))**

**Thought so.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own KotOR. Or Three Day's Grace's new album. I jack off of Limewire, thank you. **

**_Amme Moto_**


	6. Do What You Do

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Six: Do What You Do**

"_Now I'm stuck in between a rock and nowhere."_

**XXXXX**

Connan slipped out of the alleyway before the others could tell she'd gone. She rounded a corner and rubbed her still-smarting eyes. She leaned against the wall and shook her head.

_I'm dreaming. That didn't just happen. _She told herself, sniffling. _I'm going to open my eyes and I'll be back at the ship, in my own little cage, waiting for someone to wake up so I can be supervised. _

Connan opened her eyes slowly. The other wall greeted her; a dark oil stain drizzled from the top to the bottom.

Connan swore. "Okay, not a dream, then." She said aloud. "I'm fine," She murmured to herself, sliding down the wall and placing her head in her hands. A dark emotion came to her, enveloping her in a feeling similar to despair but different. Angrier.

_What is this feeling?_

Connan thought long and hard. She was… tired. Connan was tired of tiptoeing around her crew. She was tired of watching what she was saying, doing, or even thinking around them. This feeling had built up steadily since her return from the Sith Embassy, when they decided that she might be liable to hurt herself if she kept going out alone.

But "tired" didn't fully define what she was feeling. There was something else. Something darker than "tired", but with the same aspects. A little bit of bitterness was thrown in, at the thought of Connan wasting so much of her sadness and stress on something that _wasn't improving_. Doubt was added, because really, she wouldn't be surprised at all if they just left her here on this planet.

All of these emotions played around at once, swirling around her head, making her want to swat at the air in front of her to dispel the feeling of—

Ah. That was it. She felt _hopeless_.

It made sense, of course. They knew her secret now. If only for the safety of the other crewmates, they would tell the others, and Connan's life would be completely ruined.

Well, what was left of Connan's life would be ruined.

She chuckled to herself. They should just go ahead and turn her in. She'd probably let them.

Well, scratch that. She would try to persuade them to let her kill that bastard Malak before they could turn her in, but she would get around to letting them turn her into the authorities.

_They know, _she thought. _It's safe to say that if one knows, they're all going to know. After all, who would want a resurfacing Sith Lord as their leader? The irony is a bit much to handle._

In order to protect herself, her hopelessness changed into anger.

_Who needs them? I don't want to go back. _She thought tersely. Then she sighed and shook her head. _Who am I kidding? I _want _to go back._ _I _can't_ go back. _She told herself. _Not yet. I don't want to face them._

Connan knew, though, as soon as she got back to the _Ebon Hawk_, which would happen eventually, the stares would become worse. Instead of people simply watching her, they would be cataloguing her every move, noting down when she did what, and if she ever did anything wrong.

She would have to spend as little time as possible on that ship.

In the meantime…. Just because someone had seen her in a moment of weakness didn't mean anything had to change. What did she usually do after having a memory?

Usually she did something dangerous to keep her mind off of it.

Connan sighed, pulling her lightsabers out from their loops on her belt. She was glad she had the foresight to leave them out of her bag before she handed it to Jolee. Now she could go and do something dangerous and reckless to take her mind off of what had just happened, instead of just doing something reckless.

**XXXXX**

Carth sat in the main hold, one leg crossed over the other, his chin resting on his hand. He sighed thoughtfully, studying Jolee on the other side of the room.

Jolee seemed much calmer than Carth felt. Carth's nerves were completely frayed and he was sure he looked like it outwardly, with his hair sticking out in different directions and his foot nervously twitching back and forth. Jolee simply stared at the clock, tapping the table with a finger with each second that passed. He kept himself looking nonchalant somehow, and it made Carth envy him. There was no way he could look so calm right now.

Although he knew Jolee was nowhere near as composed as he made it look. Deep inside, he was nearly sick with worry, too. He was just better at hiding it.

It had been almost three hours since Carth had returned to the ship, a full two hours after Jolee, and still Connan was absent.

Mission burst into the main hold. She stood in front of Jolee and crossed her arms.

"I'm going to go look for her." She stated. "I don't care _what _she gave you; she's been away for far too long." She turned and headed for the door.

Carth jumped up and blocked her path.

"Get out of my way, Carth." Mission growled.

"I can't do that." He stated. "Do you even know where you're going? She could be anywhere, for all we know."

"I don't care. At least I'm not going to just be sitting here moping."

Carth grimaced, trying to think of a way tell Mission what Connan was thinking. "She doesn't want people interfering." _She doesn't want _you _interfering._

Mission's eyes flashed. "Interfering? Interfering with _what_? Did something happen when the two of you found her today?"

Carth cringed.

"Mission, sit down." Jolee interrupted. "Connan will come back when she's good and ready."

Mission crossed her arms, stamping her feet and resolving not to move. "And if she doesn't come back?"

Jolee stared at the ground, his eyes unusually sad. "Then she's lost all faith in us."

Mission stopped, obviously taken by surprise at the serious answer. "Hey, seriously. What happened?" No answer. Carth looked away from Mission. "Guys?"

Neither man answered.

**XXXXX**

"Wait, let's talk this through…."

"NO! I won't let you open the door for those _monsters _to get in!" The man behind the force field cried. His fingers flew across the wall computer, and suddenly the door Connan had come through shut itself. "I'll stop you. I'll suck all of the pressure out of the chamber; _that _will stop you!"

"Kill her!" The woman next to him screamed. "Kill her now!"

_Oh, great. I love meeting friendly new people._

The next breath Connan took choked her. She swayed on the spot, turning and heading for the wall computer left for her by the door.

"_Sixty seconds to complete depressurization."_

Connan felt her skin grow tight. She gasped again and tried to focus on the computer. Ignoring the horrified cries of the crazy man and woman behind the force field, she stuck a spike into the computer and hacked in, cutting off the depressurization sequence. Then she turned the force field off herself.

"No. No." The man murmured, holding his head in his hands pathetically. "The firaxa will get us. _No._ The Selkath are coming!"

The woman screamed.

Connan growled. The woman's high-pitched screaming was giving her a worse migraine than she already had. "Stop screaming!"

The woman screamed again.

The man, however, scrutinized Connan. "You… Sami! Sami, calm down. I don't think she's here to kill us."

The woman, Sami, stared intently at the man. "Is she?"

The man shook his head. "No. I think she's here to help us."

Connan rolled her eyes. _Figure that out all by yourself?_

The man went on to apologize for nearly making Connan explode. He sighed. "Please, forgive me. I'm just so scared."

"We're both just scared." The woman agreed.

"Sami and me, I thought we were the only ones left. We heard the Selkath outside at the doors every once and a while, and those strange noises echoing through the base."

"We thought everyone was dead. Dead or insane." The woman shook her head, swiping a hand through her dark hair. "I must have been hysterical. I don't know what I can say. I truly apologize for the horrible mistake I was making."

Connan scoffed. "You're kidding."

She was ignored. "I'm Kono Nolan, and this is Sami. We were scientists working here on the Hrakert Rift project."

Connan's eyes narrowed. She turned to the woman, who hadn't spoken as much as Kono had. "Lady, you and your partner here just tried to _kill me_. Do I _look _like a Selkath to you? I'm pretty sure you could see through that force field, since I could see you pretty well."

Kono's eyes widened. "Look, we're _sorry_! We've just been under a _lot _of strain lately. You know, the whole thing about our entire research team being _devoured before our eyes!_"

"Kono." Sami placed a hand on Kono's shoulder and shook him slightly. "Calm down." She whirled around to glare at Connan. "Don't talk to him like that! We've gone through a lot, and we said we're sorry for the mistake we made!"

"You're _sorry_?" Connan repeated. "What if I had died? What then? You would still be stuck down here, and this time there really would be no hope left for you, since no one will ever in a million years think to look for me down here. What would you have made of your _mistake _then?"

Kono sighed. "Just… I'm sorry for my actions. But what are you doing here?"

Connan shrugged. "I needed a place to crash where no one would ever find me. I figured an underwater research facility that had cut off all communications to its base would be decent enough."

The two scientists just stared.

Connan rolled her eyes. "I'm looking for a Star Map."

**XXXXX**

A few hours later Connan climbed out of the submersible and sighed in relief, nursing her bleeding arm. She ran a hand through her tangled hair and opened the door to enter the main Republic Embassy area.

She was met there by Roland Wann. "You're back. What's happened down there?"

Connan scoffed. "Good evening to you, too. I'm fine, by the way." She waved a hand at him. "Oh, this on my arm? Ah, one of the insane Selkath down there got a little hungry while I was killing his buddy and took a chunk out of me. Serves me right for trying to keep Kono Nolan and his partner alive." She chuckled dryly. "I hope he choked on it before I decapitated him."

He had the grace to look chastised. "Forgive me. I'm just pleased you've returned. I was beginning to fear that you, too, might have been lost."

Connan rolled her eyes. "Please. I'm not that easy to kill."

"Did you find out what happened down there at the facility?"

She smirked. "Your construction woke something up."

"Something was down there? Living in the rift by the kolto?"

Connan held out her arm. "A gigantic firaxan shark that drove all the Selkath insane."

Roland looked entirely crestfallen. "That's… horrible. Our entire operation wasted by a disaster we could never in a thousand years have foreseen." He shook his head. "What has happened to the facility itself? Were there any survivors?"

Connan placed all her weight onto one leg and leaned slightly, trying not to sway. "There was one merc hiding in a locker. I couldn't get him out. Maybe _you _can. Personally, I think he's fine where he is. There were also these two screaming scientists, Kono and Sami." She laughed. "They're not too happy with me right now."

"Well that's good to know. Good to know, indeed. But why are they upset at you?"

"Oh, I destroyed your kolto machine." Connan replied nonchalantly.

Roland looked completely horrified. "You _what?!_ How could you do such a thing?_"_

"It was either blow up the machine or blow up the shark." Connan reasoned. "And I happen to find myself in the same boat as sharks these days, so I sympathized."

"That's terrible! This will set us back for years." He sighed, sending a pointed glare at Connan. "It may even cost us the war."

Connan's eyes narrowed. "Look, mister, you don't get to send me on a death mission to the Sith Embassy, have me try to cover up a decrepit old man's murder, and lie to me about what you're actually doing down in that facility without some repercussions." She shook her unsheathed lightsaber at him. "I am royally pissed off at you right now. Don't you _dare _tell me what will or will not cost us this war."

Roland refused to say anything; more intimidated by the angry Jedi than actually angry himself.

Connan shrugged her uninjured arm. "I'll be going now. So no. Don't worry about this. It's just a seeping wound, probably full of Selkath rabies. And since my Force healing isn't up to par these days, due to my lack of concentration on any one thing for too long, I'm a little stranded for means to heal it."

She walked past Roland Wann and opened the doors to leave for the ship. She had the last Star Map. They could leave any time now. "But it's fine. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and maybe if I go a little insane because of it, it'll make smarter. Two sides of the same coin and all."

Then Connan left the Republic Embassy, only to be surrounded by a multitude of Selkath.

"**Stop, human!" **Cried the nearest Selkath. Connan stopped and crossed her arms. **"We have detected a number of underwater detonations coming from the vicinity of the Hrakert Rift. You have been known to have asked question about this, and our spy monitors in the Republic Embassy recorded you leaving in a submersible that descended into the Hrakert Rift." **The Selkath raised its shoulders, as if trying to emulate intimidation. **"You will come with us immediately to answer for your actions, or we will be forced to take you by force."**

Connan groaned. "You have _got _to be kidding me."

**XXXXX**

It was late before Connan got back. Much later than she'd intended to be back. The Selkath Council had immediately called a meeting to determine whether or not Connan should be killed for whatever it was she'd been accused of.

The resulting trial had taken hours of persuasion from Connan that she'd done nothing wrong. She insisted that the fault lay in both Embassies for setting up bases on the ocean floor. It took a while to convince every single councilman that she was telling the truth, but after she explained that she hadn't killed the giant firaxa shark, they seemed to cut her some slack.

So, Connan dragged herself into the _Ebon Hawk _at a much later time than she expected. Her arm stung mightily from neglect; she hadn't had any time at all to fix her arm or treat the bite marks that adorned it. She wiggled uncomfortably in her ruined Jedi robes—all the fighting and dried blood would never leave, no matter _how _much she washed it, she knew—and entered her ship. She made it into the main hold and stared.

Carth and Jolee sat at the table, staring at her intently. She ignored them as much as possible. What concerned her was Mission, on the other side of the room, who had her arms crossed and a glare on her face.

Connan flinched and turned away, half expecting something like this to happen. Mission would call her a liar and a murderer and maybe throw things and do whatever to make Connan feel properly chastised for remembering things about being Revan.

So Connan stared resolutely at the wall, telling herself that no matter what Mission did, no matter how much she screamed or insulted, she wouldn't react in the slightest. After all, whatever Mission threw at Connan she obviously deserved.

Mission strode up toward Connan quickly and hugged her.

Connan tensed, not returning the tight embrace but not jerking away.

"Where have you been?" Mission asked, her voice just a whisper.

Connan didn't reply.

"That's okay. We know where you were. The Selkath came here again to question us."

Still she remained silent.

Mission forged on. "You worry me when you don't tell anyone where you are."

Connan bowed her head. "Sorry."

It was so low Mission almost hadn't heard it. "What if you'd been hurt? What if you were incapacitated and no one had any idea of knowing where you were to help?"

Connan didn't answer, so Mission continued. "Do you know where I would be if you went missing? I'd be stuck on this planet forever, looking as hard as I could for you, because I refuse to leave my _best friend _in a place like this."

Connan jerked, almost undoing Mission's arms, but the child held fast.

_Why are you lying?_

Mission tightened her hold and sighed. "Promise me, Connan Frai, that you will not go anywhere else without at least letting someone know."

Connan's mind raced.

_Why is she doing this? _She thought wildly. _She should be furious. She should look completely disgusted. She wouldn't be holding onto me like this if she knew that—_

Connan's eyes widened as she came to a realization.

_Maybe that's it. Maybe she doesn't know._

The actual revelation flew into Connan, making her raise her head and study the two men blatantly ignoring their tête-à-tête on the other side of the room. Carth sat staring pointedly at a datapad, taking notes on a completely different pad. Jolee would look over his shoulder and check his work every now and again.

_They haven't told her._

The relief that flooded through her was mixed with so much confusion that neither emotion could take precedence. _I don't understand. Why haven't they told her? Are they planning something else?_

"Connan?" Mission nudged at Connan's arm. "Do you promise?"

"Uh—I promise." Connan replied instantly.

Mission's hold tightened for a moment before she released Connan. "Good." She stretched. "Well, it is _late_, so I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning and you can play Pazaak with me."

Mission disappeared before Connan could reply.

**XXXXX**

Carth studied Connan carefully as she watched Mission leave. She stared after her in so much confusion it looked like she almost didn't hear Mission's last statement.

_She seemed completely shocked that we didn't tell Mission. _Carth thought to himself. He felt himself grow incredulous. Did she really not trust them that much?

Then he snorted to himself. _That was a stupid question. What reason have I given her to trust me lately?_

Connan stayed glued to the spot long after Mission left. She stared in the same direction, seemingly ignoring the other two in the room. She grasped one arm in the other, holding it so tightly her knuckles turned white.

Carth frowned, inspecting Connan's arm more closely.

His eyes widened at the gaping hole in her Jedi Robes, revealing her battered and bitten arm. He inwardly cringed. He'd seen wounds like that. She would need to get it disinfected before she could heal it, even with the Force, so it wouldn't get infected while closed. He stood and pulled out a spare medpac from beneath the table. "Your arm—"

Connan made a small sound in the back of her throat and ignored Carth completely, turning toward the exit. Carth felt a pang of guilt hitch in his chest as Connan all but fled from the main hold and into her own dorm.

She wouldn't even let him help her.

**XXXXX**

Jolee snatched the medpac from Carth's hands and stormed off after Connan.

"Stop."

The Jedi froze instantly, almost in midstep. Jolee grasped her unhurt arm and pulled her toward the medbay. She came without fighting, though Jolee could hardly call it _willingly_. She kept her head lowered and seemed to be waiting in a perpetual cringe.

She expected him to yell at her again, like he had last time.

Jolee snorted silently to himself, willing to bet that any sound of amusement coming from him would be taken as derogatory toward Connan, and not directed at himself, like he'd intended.

Sure, he'd yelled at her for doing something stupid, before, when no one could figure out why she'd suddenly grown an independent streak and insisted on doing everything by herself. Now that he knew the truth, he wasn't in the least inclined to shout at her.

It was simply a miracle Mission hadn't shouted at her, like she had last time. While she'd been talking to Connan, Jolee couldn't help but be proud of how mature Mission had grown since their little excursion on the _Leviathan_. He would have to express his thanks to her later, when there wasn't pus and blood oozing out of Connan's arm.

Jolee sat Connan down on the bench inside the medbay and looked over her wound. He shrugged. It wasn't as bad as it looked. At least the pus was leaking, and he didn't have to cut open the wound further to clean out the stuff. He reached over toward the disinfectant on the counter and opened up the medpac.

"I suppose I can safely assume you've been down to the underwater laboratory." He started. Connan gave a meek nod of her head, still not meeting his eye. "Did you find the Star Map?"

At this Connan gave a slightly larger nod, glad to be talking about something that pertained to work, and not to herself. "The data's in my bag. If we put all the data together, I'm sure it'll tell us where the Star Forge is." She tugged a little on the arm Jolee was currently inspecting, probably hoping he'd let go.

Jolee's grip tightened on her arm, but not hard enough to hurt. Just hard enough to keep her in place while he healed her wound.

"This is going to sting," He warned as he wiped away the pus and blood with the disinfectant. Connan winced but said nothing. "What happened?"

Connan shook her head.

"Just because you would like to assume we've had some sort of falling out doesn't mean I'm not going to help you." Jolee advised. "So either you start telling me what happened, or I start assuming what happened. And believe me, lass," He gave her a fake evil eye, leaving off on his threat until she glanced over at him and visibly held back a grin at his face. "I can think up some pretty wild things."

Connan sighed and looked away again. "At the bottom of the ocean, in the Hrakert Rift, the Republic Embassy woke up a giant firaxa shark that turned all the Selkath researchers down there insane. They started killing everyone and everything. That's why none of the mercs ever came back to the surface. They were all eaten."

"That's terrible." Jolee commented. "But it didn't answer my question."

Connan shifted uncomfortably. "One of the insane Selkath managed to tear a bite out of me before I could kill him." She explained quietly. Jolee looked up sharply, more alarmed by the fact that she'd been walking around with Selkath enzymes inside her than anything.

Of course, Connan took it the wrong way. She hunched her shoulders and broke eye contact, shifting around nervously as Jolee still kept a hold of her arm. Slowly, he ran his hand along the bite mark, using the Force to heal what was left of her injury.

"I'm sorry. I know it was dumb, and I should have been more careful, but it wasn't my fault, really. Those two scientists I was trying to keep alive were screaming and being generally useless, and always seemed to get into trouble, and I was trying to save one of them when the Selkath came up from behind."

Jolee swatted at Connan's unhurt arm. "That's _not _what I was thinking." He chided softly. "How long ago was this?"

Connan's eyes narrowed. Jolee huffed to himself. Now she would be suspicious of what he wanted from her, now that her guess was wrong.

_How long is it going to take for her to trust any of us again?_

Jolee put the thought aside, as Connan was answering. "Oh, a while ago. I came back from the submersible around dinnertime, actually. I meant to come back to the ship to fix my arm, but the Selkath officials caught me and decided that I should get in trouble with them again, and it took until about half an hour ago to get myself off the hook."

Jolee shook his head. "You've been walking around _that _long without treating this?"

Connan glared. "The Selkath don't exactly give out medpacs and disinfectant to those they're about to execute, Jolee."

"Why didn't you at least send word to us that you were hurt and needed help?"

**XXXXX**

Connan snatched her arm away roughly and stood, backing away from Jolee and toward the exit. "You _know _that answer, Jolee. I—" She stopped and swallowed whatever rude comment she'd been about to make.

She'd almost forgotten; she was going to have to be very careful with what she said from now on. Both Jolee and Carth knew her secret, and for whatever reason, they'd decided not to tell anyone for the moment.

Connan didn't know if that should be a good thing or not.

It _could _be that they were simply going along with her wishes, and not telling anyone simply because it would get around to Mission sooner or later. They could be trying to appease her; trying to tell her somehow that she was still herself, and no one was going to think less of her for actually lying to everyone (even though, _technically_, it was the Jedi Council who'd done the lying, since Connan hadn't known the truth herself).

But it could just as easily be something else. They could just want Connan's cooperation, and they were lording their knowledge of her over her head like a meat hook to a firaxa. They hadn't told Mission—or anyone else, for that matter—because they don't want the secret out. If everyone on this ship despised her, there was simply no way Connan would be able to force herself to stay. She would leave, as quickly as possible, to keep herself from bodily harm and to keep the others from being as uncomfortable around her as possible.

But no, they'd kept silent. They could want something from her and they're willing to play her game for a while to do it, but there had to be a limit to how much they could tolerate. If she kept up with her rude comments and chiding attitude, they could just as easily turn around and strike her while her back was turned.

It made Connan want to scream. She was trapped either way. One way she was stuck with the pity of the crew, and would be subject to their constant attention for her wellbeing when really she just wanted to forget this ever happened. The other way, she would have to tiptoe around everyone even more so than usually; one small slip could result in her secret becoming public knowledge, and then she'd be really in trouble.

Which still brought Connan back to her original thought: _they didn't tell Mission. They _must _have a reason. What do they want?_

She gave voice to her last question. It came out tired, like she didn't care anymore, but was simply curious about her future. "What do you _want _with me?"

Jolee blinked, as if the question had never come into his mind before.

"You and Carth took the last thing I had to myself today, in case you didn't know." Connan informed. "I have _nothing _else to give."

"Connan," Jolee stood slowly, stretching out his muscles. He focused his gaze clearly on Connan, making her skin crawl. _Did I make him angry?_ "I just want you to be happy again."

Connan ground her teeth, pointedly ignoring the pleased feeling trying to wash over her. She stamped it out as quickly as possible. _Liar. _"I don't believe you."

Then she turned and left without another word, completely missing Jolee's crestfallen expression.

**XXXXX**

Jolee resisted hitting something, but it was a near thing.

She wouldn't believe him. She'd simply refused to allow herself to even _consider _that he might be telling the truth.

He had been incredibly blunt with her, and he'd even seen a small flash of the old Connan, who would spar verbally with him and would blush furiously if he ever said anything remotely as serious as he'd just said, but in the end the old Connan had been pushed back, and the expression was gone, and instead the fear was back.

She was actually _afraid _to trust him.

Jolee wanted to go back to her and make her stop again. He wanted to keep talking until she _understood_. He didn't hate her. _No one _on the ship hated her. He wanted to shake her until her teeth rattled, yes, but he could never hate Connan. The little fool.

He simply didn't know what to do.

The feeling of helplessness simply aggravated him more. He took a deep breath and forced himself to stay calm.

_I swear, this is going to get fixed _soon _or heads are going to fly. _He vowed to himself.

**XXXXX**

Connan entered her private dorm room, making a huge effort to stay away from the main hold where Carth still sat, and flopped down on her bed. Her dog Æliesha looked up once as the door opened, but laid her head back down as Connan entered. Æliesha had been strangely subdued lately, like she'd been in just as bad a mood as Connan found herself trapped in lately.

Connan huffed, pushing down the intense feeling of loneliness and dashing away the tears that fell from her eyes. At least Æliesha didn't have to worry about false promises and lying friends.

Connan kicked one leg in the air and crossed it over the other, irritated at herself for the reminder.

How dare Jolee insist that all he wanted was for Connan to be _happy_? Did he really think she was going to fall for that line? Maybe if she still thought she was Connan Frai, and maybe if she were ten years younger, but as it were, she could only scoff and hold him in contempt.

He might say that to try and get her on her good side again, but she could tell the truth as soon as he said it. He only wanted to trick her into being happy again so she would continue in her onslaught to defeat Darth Malak and the Star Forge, but as soon as she was done with that, his sense of justice would take over again and she'd be right back to where she started.

Humph. She didn't need someone to _coax _her into doing her job. Happy or no, Malak was going _down_. But she would do it on her own terms, because _she _told herself it was okay to do so, not because someone tried to trick her into it. She'd had enough of people trying to trick her for a lifetime, thank you.

If she ever _once _came to believe that all he wanted was her happiness, she was a fool. If the _Leviathan _had taught her anything, if her adventures on Manaan had taught her anything, it was that _everything _comes with a price. Jolee may want her happiness, but only insofar as she defeats the Dark Lord Malak and is promptly arrested for her own crimes. Even self-proclaimed, Gray Sided Jolee wouldn't stand for someone who used to be a Dark Lord.

He might say this now, but she'd heard him agree with Mission at the beginning of their final Star Map adventure: as long as Connan remained ignorant of her memories as Revan, she could continue on with them. There's no possible way he'd forgotten about that conversation. It was smarter to think that he'd simply chosen to ignore it in the hopes that Connan forgot.

Connan hadn't forgotten. She wouldn't forget anytime soon. She knew what kind of spot she was in right now. Even more so than before, her actions were being watched and evaluated. One small misstep could easily spell her doom. She just needed to stay under the radar long enough to get to Malak and kill him. After that, Jolee and Carth could do whatever they wanted. Connan's job would be done.

And _no_, she reminded herself. She was _not _upset that Carth would never want to have anything to do with her ever again. He might have forgiven her for being Revan, _maybe_, but there was no way he'd be able to look at her now without thinking about how she's slowly but surely remembering what she'd forgotten; what she'd _done_.

That was just how it was. There was no getting around it. It didn't hurt her to think about it anymore. The nails in her throat were long gone; they had _not _come back because of Carth's startling discovery. Connan was one hundred percent _fine_.

Maybe if she told herself that enough, she'd start believing it.

**XXXXX**

Carth heard Connan move around the ship, pointedly ignoring the main hold, and winced when the far dorm door slammed shut.

Jolee came back into the main hold and sat back at the table. He ran a hand over his face and sighed.

"Well?" Carth asked.

Jolee gave another sigh or two before he replied. "She was bitten by an insane Selkath, and it's been festering for about… six hours now."

Carth flinched. "She hadn't cleaned it? Don't you Jedi have a special power that can heal things as quickly as they were hurt?"

Jolee shook his head. "I don't think it's working for her anymore. She didn't do too good a job of healing herself when she went through the Sith Embassy. Her healing powers used to be among her best, and now she's hard pressed to keep herself alive by herself. Something's stopping her from concentrating on any one thing for too long." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Carth turned his eyes downcast and sighed. "It's me. I'm the one doing this to her, aren't I?"

Jolee gave Carth a look that was probably _meant _to be sympathetic, but only came out placating. "Now, lad, that's not entirely true. There are many things it could be."

"And they're all my fault." Carth added. "The only reason any of this happened is because I made such a big deal out of her being Revan. Mission wouldn't have had to say what she said, and Connan's returning memories wouldn't be as—as—"

"Terrifying."

"Yes!—_Terrifying_ to her as they are now." He put his head in his hands. "She wouldn't be avoiding everyone like the plague and looking at all of us like we're about to assault her when she's not looking." He shook his head. "Did you see how shocked she was that we hadn't told Mission?"

Jolee nodded. "I did happen to see that."

"I'm so disgusted with myself." Carth snarled.

"Well," Jolee patted Carth on the arm. "The good thing about realizing you've messed up is knowing you can always make it right again."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Carth replied. "She won't even let me _help _her. She practically ran away from me just a while ago."

Jolee gave a small smile. The hand on Carth's shoulder squeezed tightly, almost making Carth grimace. "Well, you'd better do something about it quickly, because that lass is like a daughter to me, and I'm getting very irritated at whatever's making her do this to herself." He gave Carth _the look_. "Or _who_ever."

Carth got the message. He simply nodded. Jolee nodded as well, patted Carth's arm again, and left the main hold.

Not that Carth needed that small _incentive _to try and make amends with Connan. He already knew he was going to have to do something.

He simply had to figure out _what_, and _when_.

**XXXXX**

**Disclaimer: Not to own KotOR or Mudvayne. **

**I'm already halfway through the next chapter. It's by far my favorite. Also I might make it longer because I love it so much.**

_**Amme Moto**_


	7. Lie To Me

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Seven: Lie To Me**

"_Don't act like an angel; you're falling again. You're no superhero, I found in the end."_

**XXXXX**

Jolee crossed his arms and sighed as Mission made her move. She drew a card from the deck and set it down. +5, giving her a total of fourteen points. Mission stared at her cards intently, eyes narrowing as she examined each move that could be made.

Jolee resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Pazaak was such a boring game. He much preferred a good game of dejarik. He usually played Connan, since she gave as good as she got and didn't gloat like a child if she won. However, she hadn't been in the mood to play with anyone in quite a while. Poor Jolee had been forced to start playing Canderous at his game, which was about as fun as neutering a gundark.

Well, Jolee supposed he should be glad to be in the same room as Connan. At least she hadn't gotten to the point where she would bolt upon seeing him.

"I'll play my +5 card, giving me a total of nineteen points, where I'll stay." Mission announced, laying down her +/-5 card and grinning. "Beat that."

Connan, holding the other set of cards, drew a card from the deck and set it down. +3, giving her a total of fifteen points.

Connan hummed to herself, studying her cards quietly.

"I think I'll stay here." She announced.

Jolee sighed, shaking his head. He ignored the wary glance Connan threw his way and said nothing.

Mission, on the other hand, frowned and stared at Connan. "Are you sure?"

Connan shrugged. "Of course I'm sure."

Mission's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "You're not _letting _me win, are you?" She asked.

Connan looked incredulous. "I've won a few times!"

"Because I busted."

Connan's eyes narrowed as well. "I—"

Carth strode into the room, startling Connan into shutting her mouth.

**XXXXX**

Carth had been thinking over his life after the escape from the _Leviathan _all night long, and well into the morning. He only paid half-attention to the meeting Connan held to gather input on their next move. His focus was centered mostly on the talk he planned to force Connan into after the meeting.

Sure, Carth didn't know word-for-word exactly what he was going to say, but he knew what he felt, now that he'd spent an entire night devoted to finding out, and he was sure the words would come when they needed to.

Hopefully.

He could hear voices coming from the main hold, but wasn't really paying attention; more focused on his thoughts than he was on where he was going.

When he made it into the main hold, however, he stopped and stared.

Connan stared back, her eyes wide and her muscles tense. She opened her mouth to say something but it never came out. Mission turned in her seat to see what Connan was gawking at. Her eyes narrowed as she saw Carth. She waved her Pazaak cards at him in an attempt to shoo him away.

Jolee sat in between Connan and Mission, which probably surprised Carth the most, considering Connan and Jolee's recent scuffle the night before. He was surprised Connan would let Jolee sit so close to her after something like that.

Not to mention jealous. Why would she let Jolee be in the same room with her, no matter how uncomfortable he made her, yet she would bolt at the first sign of Carth?

As he predicted to himself, Connan stood abruptly and laid her Pazaak cards down.

"I—" She started, cutting herself off when she couldn't find the words to state why she was running away. She lowered her gaze toward the table and sighed. "I'm going to go."

Mission turned back around to convince Connan to stay, but the woman was already gone.

The Twi'lek swore, slapping her cards onto the table and shaking her head. "I _hate _it when she does that."

Carth cringed. "Sorry."

Mission didn't seem to hear him. She stared at Connan's abandoned cards curiously. Before he could ask her what was so interesting about them, the teenager reached out and flipped over all four of Connan's cards.

Two +5s, one +4, and a +3.

Mission swore again, using a different word that made Carth turn red and Jolee hiss at her.

**XXXXX**

"All right, that's everything." Connan stated. "We'll head out as soon as possible, but we should pick up a few more supplies first." She looked over the crew and sighed. "What say we leave tomorrow?" When there were no objections she shrugged. "All right then. Meeting adjourned."

With that she turned and left the main hold without a word. She saw Jolee heading toward her, and at the rate they were both walking, he was going to intercept her before she could make it to her room.

"Connan." He called.

Connan winced but stopped all the same. She turned to meet him with a straight face. "Yes?"

"How is your arm?" Jolee asked, examining the appendage as if he could see the problems even through Connan's robes.

Connan shrugged. "Fine."

"You're not in pain or anything?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

They were both silent for a moment. Then Jolee opened his mouth again to say something else.

"Connan, last night, when I said—"

"It's nothing, really." Connan interrupted, taking the opportunity of Jolee's silence to actually back up more. "I'm sorry I was so rude last night. Really. It won't happen again, I promise."

Jolee raised both eyebrows in surprise. He leaned in close and lowered his voice, in case the others lingering around in the room were listening. "That's not what I mean, lass. I _meant _what I said last night."

Connan tensed. "I don't want to hear this."

Jolee sighed. "I know I'm not usually one for serious conversations, but…." He scratched the back of his head; the only sign he would ever give that he was nervous. "You can come to me with anything, you know. Anytime."

Connan stared.

"And that's all I've got to say about _that_." Jolee stated, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen. He placed a hand on Connan's head and rubbed, tangling her hair.

_What was that_? Connan thought as Jolee turned and walked away. She turned and made her own way to her dorm room. _He almost looked serious._

Connan rubbed her eyes tiredly. She'd been up for a while already—in fact, she'd just come from the crew-wide meeting where they discussed their next move. She'd stayed long enough to hand over the Star Map data and to talk about what they were going to do before they set off for the Star Forge. They still needed supplies; it would take at least a week to fly all the way to the Star Forge system and back.

Connan had to admit, going to the Star Forge wasn't nearly as daunting as it had been when she'd been given the mission on Dantooine. Then, she'd gawked at the ridiculous notion of sending a Force-novice straight into the heart of the Sith battle. Now that she knew the truth, she was thankful she'd been given the mission. She was more than ready to kill Malak with her bare hands.

In the meantime, she had to get ready for the big battle. That meant keeping a clear mind. Keeping a clear mind meant—

The door to Connan's room opened suddenly, and Connan looked up with a frown, wondering who was bothering her and what she'd done.

She leapt to her feet in alarm when Carth stepped through the door.

"I—" She stumbled for a word. "I'm sorry, I—I'm going to—" She strode toward the exit, stepping around Carth delicately.

She just made it past him when Carth reached out and grasped her wrist tightly.

Connan felt dread envelope her. She tugged on her arm experimentally and wasn't surprised to find that Carth had a tight told on it.

"Stop." He said quietly as she pulled again. Connan's movement ceased. "Where are you going?"

After a brief flash of confusion (_why does he care?_) Connan shrugged. "To play Mission at Pazaak."

"Mission is out looking for supplies."

Connan tensed. "I should probably see if Zaalbar needs any help with making more grenades. I promised him I would."

"He's talking with the owner of the Republic Emporium to try and get a discount on weapons."

Connan shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. Since her voice was shaking, she didn't think it was working. "Canderous and I were going to—"

"He's at the swoop track."

Connan winced. "Juhani—"

"Is meditating." Carth stated, tugging on Connan's arm to try and pull her back into the room. She stayed glued to the spot. "Stop running from me. _I _came to _you_." When Connan refused to say anything he continued. "I think it's time we talked. About you. Being Revan."

**XXXXX**

If there was one thing in this galaxy that annoyed Mission at all, it was when she knew something had happened, but no one would tell her _what_.

And she knew something had happened.

If she couldn't tell from the way Connan remained frigidly civil to Jolee, she could definitely tell from the way she absolutely _refused _to stay anywhere near Carth.

It was for that reason, and that reason _only_, that she followed Carth into Connan's private dorm room.

"Mission is out looking for supplies."

Mission nearly slapped a hand to her face to stop the indignant outcry that threatened to be released. She was _not _out of the ship.

She didn't know what Carth was planning, but she knew Connan wouldn't want any part of it. She'd avoided Carth any way possible since they'd _gotten _to Manaan.

She slipped behind the door to listen. If Connan ended up needing a way out, Mission would pop in and save her. Until then, she'd let Carth have his say.

**XXXXX**

Carth could tell Connan expected an earful, even before he'd said they should talk. Her head bowed, shielding her face, and her shoulders hunched as if she were attempting to block physical blows, as well.

"If… If you're ready to talk, then…." Connan took a deep breath; her shoulders shook as her breath hitched.

When she didn't continue her train of thought, Carth pulled at her arm again. She went with it this time, backing up until she was back at her cot. She sat down with her head still bowed, away from Carth altogether.

Carth stood in the middle of the room, and though she was looking toward the ground and her face was pointedly away from him, Carth knew he had her full attention. She was visibly tense; as if she were waiting for him to start a tirade and she wouldn't allow it to take her by surprise.

"I've been thinking about it, lately. A lot." Carth started.

He could see Connan conceal both a flinch and a snort, and he could guess her train of thought. _You're not the only one_.

"And?" She asked, her voice so quiet she almost wasn't heard.

Carth took a deep breath. "I can't hate you."

Connan's head snapped up so quickly Carth was worried for her neck. She stared at him with eyes wide open, like she'd never even _considered _he would want to make amends.

"I tried," He went on to say. "I wanted to hold you responsible for all the things you'd done; for my wife, for Telos, for Dustil…. But I just can't."

"Why the hell not?" Connan actually sounded irritated. Carth had to keep from laughing. _She's insulted that I don't hate her after all?_

_More like she's irritated because she can't predict what I'm going to do if I don't hate her. _His mind supplied. For once, he was inclined to agree.

Carth shrugged in reply. "I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died. But it hasn't… brought me the peace I thought it would." He gave a sigh. "All I can think of now is the promise I made to protect you from what is to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge."

**XXXXX**

Connan didn't think she'd ever been so angry before.

She knew Carth must be aware of how hard she was trying to avoid him. She made it obvious enough whenever he came into the room, simply to leave before he could talk to her about anything.

And here he was, trying the exact same thing Jolee had the night before; trying to get her to be friendly again just so they could save the galaxy, like she couldn't function without people she could count on.

She didn't know what hurt more: the fact that he _knew _this might actually work on her (because she could admit it to herself: she was almost taken in at the beginning of his speech) and he did it anyway, or the fact that he pulled out that practically useless promise he'd made on Korriban to try and use against her.

_If he wanted to protect me, why the _hell _hasn't he?_

Connan stood up, her eyes blazing. "I'm supposed to believe this?" She scoffed. "You and Jolee should compare notes. If I didn't take his 'offer of peace' last night, what makes you think I'm going to be gullible enough to take yours?"

Carth looked taken aback. "What? I'm not—"

"Look, I suppose I should appreciate the gesture, but I think it's insulting, really." Connan crossed her arms and huffed. "I'm going to do my job whether or _not _we're friends, Carth. You don't have to worry about me abandoning the mission just because—" She had to stop there and take a shaky breath. She still wasn't able to put words to her past, and she didn't want to stumble around in front of Carth. He might take it as a sign a weakness. "—well, I'm not going to flake out on the galaxy, at any rate."

She took a defensive stance and shrugged, not exactly looking at Carth (she might actually break down and _believe_ him if that happened), but rather at an angle around him. "I _know _you know my memories are coming back, and I know you kept Jolee's promise to not tell Mission. Thanks, I guess, but you don't have to lord it over me as some sort of silent incentive to save the galaxy. I'm going to do that anyway."

Carth simply frowned.

"We'll worry about what's going to happen to me _after _I kill Malak for when I actually get out alive, all right?"

When Carth didn't immediately reply with something, Connan once again walked around him toward the exit.

Carth whirled around after her, pulling her into his arms and holding her close, so her back was pressed against his chest.

**XXXXX**

_Son of a—_

Mission held back the urge to scream at herself. She backed up from Connan's room and made her way toward the main hold, where Canderous and Jolee currently battled in dejarik. _Her memories are returning, and I said that—that—ugh, I hate myself._

"Hey, Mission. Why so blue?" Canderous guffawed at his own joke. "You look like you're about to throw up."

Jolee frowned. "Is something the matter?"

Mission turned her glare to Jolee. "You _knew_, didn't you?" She hissed, slapping his arm as hard as she could. Jolee winced and rubbed the abused appendage.

"I know a lot of things, lass, so you're going to have to be more specific." Jolee replied.

Mission hit him again. "You knew her memories were coming back and you know I said _that_ and _you didn't tell me!_"

Jolee's eyes widened.

"Whoa, whoa, wait." Canderous jerked on Mission's arm, pulling her toward him. "You're not serious. Her memories are coming _back_?"

Jolee nodded. "Carth and I found out yesterday." He looked at Mission with a stern expression. "You _cannot _tell her you know."

Mission glared. "And why can't I? I have to apologize! I said that _horrible comment _to her right after we escaped from the _Leviathan_. _Me!_"

"Yes, but Connan made us promise not to tell you." Jolee explained. "If she knows you know without telling you about it herself, she'll think we _did _tell you, and what little trust she has left will be gone."

Canderous slapped a hand to his forehead. "We should have seen this coming. _This _is why she's been on an independent streak, isn't it?"

Jolee nodded. Then he turned to Mission, his gaze quizzical. "How did you find out, anyway?"

Mission sniffed. "I was eavesdropping." She admitted. At Jolee's disapproving glare she went on. "I saw Carth follow her into her dorm and decided it would be safer if I followed and offered Connan a way out if she needed one."

Jolee raised an eyebrow. "I assume that since you left you've deemed it safe for them to be alone?"

Mission shrugged. "He's trying to apologize to her, but she's not having it."

"Good boy," Jolee murmured. He looked at Canderous with a smirk. "Well, far be it from _me _to interfere. It's your move, Canderous."

**XXXXX**

By the time Connan finished speaking, Carth was simply too shocked to reply.

She thought—she really thought that—

But no, she couldn't. There was no way she would think that he could ever turn her in. She didn't really think that the only reason he was trying to make peace with her was so she would go on with the mission, did she? She didn't expect him to turn his back on her again as soon as she was done?

Was she really that afraid of him?

Oh, this had to stop _now_.

Before he could think about it and convince himself not to, Carth turned after Connan and grasped her shoulders, pulling her backward into him. She gave a small gasp of surprise as she fell back against Carth's chest, and he wrapped his arms around her before she could object.

Holding onto her tightly, Carth pressed his face into her hair, trying to be as sincere as possible. "_Please _don't be afraid of me." He pleaded, holding her as tightly as possible without hurting her. "I'm begging you. Don't be afraid of me."

Connan didn't move. The only response that indicated he had her attention was the tensing of her shoulders. Carth took that as a good sign. At least she wasn't struggling out of his embrace. He didn't think he could take that kind of rejection right then.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. For everything." Carth started, his voice quiet and brushing past her ear. "I've been a royal jerk to you this whole time, and I'm _sorry_. You _have _to believe me; I've been trying to find a way to tell you for a long time."

Carth could practically _feel _Connan narrowing her eyes, and he definitely heard a scoff. "Then why haven't you?" She snapped. "You claim to be thinking about that promise you made me, but I've seen no evidence of that."

Carth knew those words were meant to sting. They did, actually; they hurt his pride and made a portion of his mind want to let go of her. But he didn't; he knew Connan, and he knew her tones. When she meant to really sting someone, it was without mercy. That wasn't the tone she'd used just now.

It was, however, the tone she used when she was affected by whatever had been said, and she was trying her hardest to deny it.

Feeling hope begin to swell, Carth dove into his confession headfirst. "I was… scared. I didn't want to be rejected by you. My damn pride got in the way." He subconsciously shifted his arms around Connan, making himself more comfortable. "You have to know, I was a basket case every time you went out by yourself and disappeared for hours on end. My mind kept coming up with all these different scenarios where you were hurt, unable to call for help, bleeding and dying, and no one would know because no one knew where to look, and it nearly killed me." He breathed a sigh, causing Connan to shiver at the contact of breath on skin.

"The first time you were arrested, I was sure you'd been killed. As soon as the Selkath official finished telling his version of your story, I was sick with worry. I hadn't been there to protect you, and _look what happened_. That's why, when you went out yesterday morning to start looking for information on Sunry's trial, I wanted to go with you. I'd seen your wounds when you went to bed that night, and I didn't want that to happen again." He took a deep breath to steady himself (oh, it smelled like Connan; he could _definitely _get used to that smell) and continued with his admission. "I hope that medpac I set out for you helped."

Connan's breath hitched.

"I don't want you to die." He admitted. "I want you to _live, _how _you _see fit, not hindered by who you might have been_. _You deserve it, after all everyone's put you through." Carth gave Connan an extra squeeze before he continued. "Please believe me. I'm so, _so _sorry I waited so long to talk to you about it."

As Carth spoke the words, their importance seemed to multiply tenfold for him. He kept his hold on Connan and tugged again, to make sure she was still secure in his arms.

**XXXXX**

Connan's mind raced.

She shut her eyes and fought to control her breathing. She kept repeating the same mantra to herself over and over again, reminding herself of who she was dealing with, exactly.

_Maybe… maybe I've been a little too harsh on everyone?_

_No! I don't believe you, I don't believe you, I don't believe you…._

There was no way he could be speaking the truth. His words, attractive though they may be, were nothing but lies. She knew the truth; she'd heard it from the beginning: Carth wanted Revan and Malak dead. Even before the _Leviathan _captured them, Carth harbored a very large hatred for the two fallen Jedi, even though one was supposedly dead.

But if he was lying, would he sound so sincere?

Connan wasn't completely blind; she could see when someone was pouring his heart out. He might not be consciously lying, but he was still lying. As soon as she gave into his—his _very _tempting speech, he would turn on her. It might not be instant, but there would come a time in the future when he would turn around and point the finger straight at her.

Maybe…. Maybe he only _thought _this was what he wanted. Maybe he was overlooking the fact that she was who she was, and had forgotten somehow. He meant what he said right now, but later, when it came down to it, he would regret it.

Well, that couldn't happen, for either of their sakes. Connan didn't think she could take another rejection. She would have to remind him why he was avoiding her in the first place.

"Deserve?" She repeated. "How can the Dark Lord Revan deserve anything resembling an actual life?" She shoved back the sorrow she felt at trying to combat Carth's thinking, but she had to. If she forgave him now, and later he realized that he'd let in a certified killer, he would leave, and it would break Connan more than simply being rejected right now would. "You know my memories are returning, and it's only a matter of time before I remember more things; things that might not be the cheeriest memories in the world; things that aren't common knowledge.

"I tore apart your family, Carth. The Sith killed your wife and brainwashed your own son; they turned your mentor against you and destroyed your homeworld. _My _Sith.

"I _know _you, Carth. I know your sense of justice. Someone like me—who has probably done unspeakable things in your eyes—doesn't _deserve _anything in your world."

_There_, Connan thought quietly to herself, ignoring the fact that she sounded completely devastated, even in her own thoughts. _Let's see him come up with an answer to _that.

**XXXXX**

Carth probably shouldn't have been surprised at such a speech, but he was anyway. He clung to Connan tighter than before and shook his head. "You're not the same person."

Connan snorted. "Of course I am."

"You are Revan, yes, but you are Connan, too." Carth clarified. "I know you, too, you know. And I know you don't stand for injustice, just like me. You aren't a cold-blooded killer. You aren't bent on galactic destruction. You are _you_.

"Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, whatever Darkness must surely be there, it isn't who you are now. You can be so much more than what you've been labeled as: Jedi, Sith, whatever _they_ choose to call you, you are only what _you_ choose to be.

"_That's _why I can't hate you; why I don't want any more revenge. Even while suffering alone through this last escapade before the Star Forge, you chose to take the higher rode; to fight for what you thought was right." Carth sighed. "You have no idea how much I admire that."

Connan remained silent, and actually jutted out a hip to her side. He must have given her a different answer than she was expecting.

He could work with that.

"You don't _have _to be Revan." He continued before Connan could come up with another excuse to not believe him. "You could be _so _much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, they gave you that chance."

Connan tensed again, and Carth could guess why. She wasn't exactly in a position to think of the Jedi in a _nice _way, yet. He rushed to correct his slipup. "I'm not saying what they did was _right_, or even _humane_. But… they still handed you a clean slate, whether you knew it at the time or not. After they wiped your memory away, the choices you made after were still _your _choices. The Jedi Council had no say in what you did with your life once they set you loose on the galaxy again."

Connan jerked, trying to get Carth to release his grip. He held fast.

**XXXXX**

Damn it, Carth was _not _telling the truth, and Connan was _not _going to fall into his trap.

She _was not_. She'd never get out again, and she knew it.

When Carth didn't let go, Connan struggled harder. "Let me go." She pleaded. "I don't believe you. I _don't _believe you."

She felt Carth's chuckle more than heard it. It rumbled through his chest and _no, _it did _not _make her want to laugh, too.

"I think you do."

Connan jerked again, snarling when Carth still didn't release her. "Why are you trying so hard?"

The answer was instant, and not what Connan wanted to hear at all. "Because I don't want you to be alone anymore. It pains me, not to mention frightens me."

Damn it all, Connan was _not _glad to hear that! She stopped struggling because she didn't want to hurt Carth, not because she wanted to listen to his words.

Carth breathed a sigh of relief when Connan stilled. "Connan, you have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone, it could swallow you whole. I'd rather die than see that happen." He readjusted his hold on Connan—she'd almost wrenched free at one point, she knew—and _no_, she did _not _adjust her own arms to become more comfortable. "I want to go through this with you, Connan, but it's ultimately your choice. Is there room inside your destiny for me? Will you let me help you?"

Connan covered her face with her hands and took deep breaths.

She _was _overwhelmed. She was _ecstatic _to hear he didn't mind who she was. She _almost _believed him.

_Force, _please _stop saying what I want you to say._

"How could you possibly help me?" She asked, trying to sound as hostile as possible without breaking down.

"Whatever's happened up until this point, there's going to come a time very soon when you have to make a choice, and there won't be any turning back." Carth held tighter to Connan and lowered his voice, making her listen for each word as he spoke. His breathy voice brushed past her ear, making sure she paid every bit of her attention to Carth's words. "I want you to make the right choice. I want to give you a reason to."

_Gods, I can't do this anymore._

Connan shuddered. "What sort of reason?" She asked quietly, disregarding the fact that she'd spent the whole conversation trying to get away from him and letting herself fall headfirst into the never-ending abyss of Carth's trap.

Carth didn't reply, but he didn't have to. His deep sigh and his tightening arms were answer enough.

**XXXXX**

Carth didn't know how long they stood like that. Time seemed to meld together and disappear altogether. He knew that at one point Connan's shoulders were shaking and she took in shallow breaths, but her face was covered so he couldn't be one hundred percent sure she was crying. He could tell, though, and reached an arm up to drape across her chest and grasp her shoulder. He pulled her against him and didn't say a word.

He didn't think he could, anyway.

"I'm sorry," Connan murmured from behind her hands. "I've been so rude to everyone while we've been here, and I'm really sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for." Carth replied. He shook his head when He felt Connan draw in a breath to argue. "_No._ We're all at fault." He finally decided.

Connan paused. "So can we just forget this whole debacle ever happened?"

Carth chuckled, releasing his hold of Connan and turning her around to face him. She pulled her hands away from her face and sniffled. "Of course."

And there, _finally, _Carth saw Connan's first bright smile in weeks. As relieved as he was, he couldn't help but smile back.

**XXXXX**

Shortly after, Carth left again, leaving a completely different woman behind than who woke up that morning. Connan sighed as she sat back down again, suddenly feeling as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

So.

She'd ended up believing Carth in the end, though whether or not that was wise was still unclear. He could still turn around and announce that he wanted nothing to do with her, or he could still wait until after their mission to strike out at her, but right at the moment those thoughts didn't worry her.

She'd decided to trust him, and she wouldn't tolerate the doubts floating through her head to impair her judgment of him.

And if she'd decided to trust him… maybe her convictions of the other crewmates were in need of reconsideration. Connan admitted it to herself now; she might have been a little too hard on everyone living inside the _Hawk_. No matter what Carth said about her not having to apologize, they didn't deserve the anxiety and the mistrust she'd placed on them, and she knew she would apologize to everyone at least once before they even left the system, to try and start making up for the suffering she'd put them through.

Connan laid back on the cot, staring at the ceiling, kicking one leg up and down aimlessly as she thought.

_He said he wants to give me a reason to stay on his side. _She thought to herself. _I wonder what he meant by that._

While Connan wasn't giggling like a schoolgirl, she was grinning as widely as she could, and couldn't seem to change her expression to one more fitting of her thoughts.

Carth, who she thought despised her, actually didn't hate her at all. In fact, he wanted to protect her from whatever was going to come. He'd been worried enough about her that he came to talk to her about it. Even better, he'd been the one to lay out the kolto-less medpac the other day when she'd returned from the Sith Embassy. He'd thought enough about her at the time to express concern over her wellbeing.

Connan grinned a little wider at the thought.

Okay, so maybe this expression was _very _fitting.

**XXXXX**

Jolee knew something had changed. Everyone knew. Even Mission, who was about as sensitive to the Force as Canderous was to roses and sunshine, could feel the dark atmosphere around the ship lift up. Everyone breathed a little easier and looked at each other in satisfaction.

Carth came into the main hold and made a beeline for Jolee. Glad that it was his turn on the dejarik board, Jolee paused the game and turned to stare at the man before him.

Carth placed a hand on Jolee's shoulder and squeezed. "Thank you."

Jolee chuckled dryly. "Ah. You're to blame for the change of mood over the ship."

Carth broke into a genuine smile—something Jolee hadn't seen from him in a while. "You could say that."

"Well, good for you then." Jolee nodded in approval. "I can't imagine it was easy."

Carth shook his head. "Not at all."

Jolee pinned Carth in place with another _look._ "I'm going to assume you know what's going to happen if she _ever _gets into that kind if rut again."

Carth held his hands up in front of him protectively. "No, sir. Not a chance this is going to happen again."

Jolee chuckled. "Good boy."

**XXXXX**

Later that day Connan made her way through the ship and into the medbay, where she found Jolee restocking on their medpacs. She leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms, waiting for him to notice her.

It didn't take long. Jolee finished setting up a stack of medpacs and turned to face her, copying her stance by leaning up against the counter.

"Yes, lass?" Jolee asked, cocking an eyebrow and waiting for Connan to speak.

Connan opened and closed her mouth again. "I'm sorry." She blurted. "I really am. I've been a bit unfair to the crew lately, especially you, and I just want to say that I'm sorry, and I'm going to stop acting like such a paranoid, wishy-washy _girl_."

Jolee chuckled. "You _are _a girl, Connan." He stepped toward her and patted her shoulder. "And apology accepted. I know what it's like to question your every move, and to look at those you thought you knew with distrust." His expression turned painful and his grip on her shoulder tightened. "Just… don't do it with us again. Revan or no, you're our friend, and we really are here to help you."

Connan grinned. "I won't. I promise." She fidgeted in her spot at the doorway, studying the wall opposite her aimlessly as the silent went on.

Finally Jolee sighed and waved his arm toward her. "Got something on your mind, do you?"

Connan entered the medbay and plopped down onto the cot, missing Jolee's sigh of relief as she went into discussion about their plan of attack once they reached the Star Forge.

**XXXXX**

As they punched in the coordinates for the Star Forge and took off into lightspeed, Carth couldn't find it in himself to worry anymore. He leaned back in his seat with his legs propped up on the controls, crossed at the ankles. His arms stretched upward, linking behind his head.

Even now, as they were racing closer and closer to the end of their mission, he couldn't find it in himself to worry about the future. He was simply happy the present was back to normal.

It wasn't perfect; Connan was still quiet and not quite as brash as before when around him, but at least she wasn't running every time they happened to be in the same room anymore. She'd even started a conversation with him on her own, and though it was a quick conversation that didn't take more than five minutes of their time, she spoke clearly and loudly enough that Carth didn't have any sort of trouble hearing her. She even cracked a joke at one point (though Carth thought this was an accident; she'd turned bright red after, and only stayed in the conversation because Carth made a point of laughing so she wouldn't think he was offended).

Of course it wasn't ideal, and of course it would take a while to get to where they had been, but a cautious Connan was one step higher than no Connan.

**XXXXX**

**Disclaimer: Thou dost not owneth KotOR nor 12 Stones. Neither dost I… eth.**

**I always thought the conversation you have with Carth at the end of the fourth planet was always a bit brash, and that his declaration of maybe-love was a little unneeded, so that's why it's not in here. My way it better and that's that.**

**But don't worry. This isn't the last chapter. I've still got a few more to go, and there's definitely going to be some LSFRevan/Carth stuff going on soon.**

**Oh! And if you would, would you please go to my profile and vote on what you want to see me work on next? Everything in the poll has a short summary lower down in the profile. Pick one actual story and one one-shot and we'll be good. I really want some input on what direction I should head in. Thanks!**

_**Amme Moto**_


	8. Sorrow

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Eight: Sorrow**

"_Left alone with only reflections of my memory…. To face the ugly girl that's smothering me."_

**XXXXX**

Mission slammed her hand to the table and stood. "How could you have won again?"

Connan cringed on her side of the table as she stared at Canderous, Mission's opponent. He simply smirked back at the angry Twi'Lek and shook his head.

"If you can't run with the big leagues, Little Mish, then don't bother trying."

Mission puffed at the name _Little Mish_. "You must be cheating!"

Connan shook her head. "I haven't seen him cheat." She stated, staring closely at Canderous as if studying him would reveal whether or not he was cheating.

Canderous winked at her and turned back to Mission with an oily smile.

"Then he's doing it under your nose!" Mission cried. "He _can't _be winning so much at a game of chance!"

Canderous shrugged. "Maybe you just suck."

Mission reached across the table and grabbed at Canderous' mug of ale, dumping it over his head before the man could do anything to defend himself.

A string of obscenities fell from Canderous' mouth as he jumped up and away from the table, dropping the cards hidden on his lap beneath the table as he shook his head.

Jolee stood up, preparing to stop a fight between their two most aggressive crewmates. Carth tensed and felt his jaw drop at Mission's satisfied expression.

Connan slapped a hand to her face, but it didn't help. She burst into laughter.

All eyes stared squarely at the Jedi, who ignored them all, instead holding her stomach and leaning forward onto the table. Carth felt himself smile at her as she tried to keep breathing.

Canderous sneered at Connan's laughter before bursting into gales of laughs himself. "Think that was funny, did you?"

Connan snorted in between laughs.

Mission covered her mouth with a hand, but ended up giggling anyway.

Jolee and Carth ended up chuckling themselves as Mission sat down again and dealt the cards. Carth had to think it was more because Connan was finally laughing again.

After two days of spiraling toward the Star Forge System, everything seemed almost normal again. Most everyone spent their days crowded in the main hold, betting each other on games and conversing with each other. It made Carth smile to himself to see all the changes.

After that, everything returned to normal it seemed. Connan was her usual brash self, after seeing that no one would bark at her for it.

But what warmed Carth's hear the most was that he was no longer avoiding him. On the contrary; she held full conversations now with him, and smiled readily. It reminded Carth of how much he'd missed Connan's smiles.

He'd missed a lot of things about Connan, he realized after the second day ended and he was lying on his cot for the night. He did not know when these realizations started coming, or why they suddenly seemed so strong when only the day before they'd been unnoticed under inspection, but he knew that they were there, and they were resilient.

As he lay on his cot that second night, Carth thought of the way he'd accidentally brushed against Connan's shoulder earlier that night, and the way she'd turned bright red in reply.

She'd never done that before.

The thought itself brought a small grin to his face. Maybe he should see what other reactions he could get out of her, and put them all together to see what he could make of them.

It would give him something to think about other than the fact that they were hurdling toward the final confrontation that would decide the fate of the entire universe, and Connan was now entering one of the most dangerous situations they'd been in since he'd met Connan on the burning ship over Taris.

**XXXXX**

After three days of traveling through space to get to the Star Forge System, Connan waited until she knew she would be unbothered and slipped into the cargo hold. She shut the door tightly and leaned against the wall.

Her head had been pounding for a long while, now, and she could feel another memory pressing against her skull. Having become quite a connoisseur on memories lately, Connan simply decided to let this one come, and didn't try to hold it back.

It was… surprisingly painless. It slipped through her eyes easily when she simply let it go. It didn't rip through her head and leave her speechless with pain; it came and went as easily as possible.

It wasn't much, but it was such a significant change that it gave Connan hope.

**XXXXX**

"_Dear one, you _know _better than to get caught reading things like that."_

_She was met with a scowl. "_They _should have known better, Kreia. What's the point of even _having _those books in the archives if we're not allowed to read them?" The eleven year old Revan crossed her arms and pouted. "I just don't understand it. If they didn't want me to read the Sith Archives, why didn't they put them under lock and key?"_

"_They _did_, Revan dear." Kreia smirked, obviously amused. "You bribed Alek to pick the lock for you while you distracted the guards." The Master looked around, as if checking for eavesdroppers, then leaned in close to her protégé. "It was rather brilliant, I might add. The only reason you were caught is because Master Vrook decided to take a random inventory of the archives. Other than the bad timing, I'd say it was a very successful mission."_

_Revan laughed. "So you're not mad at me?"_

_Kreia shook her head. "I am not. I would rather you _not _get caught in such excursions, but if you do not try, you will never learn." Then her eyes took on a serious look and she pinned Revan to the cot with her stare. "But dear one, if you were interested in the Sith, you should have come to me first. The Jedi Council is already wary enough of you, especially since your rather angry outburst on Telos IV a while back."_

_Revan turned bright red, but out of anger, not embarrassment. "That was _not _my fault, Kree. That man was _hitting _his kid. What was I supposed to do? Let the girl scream her lungs out while her friend was being held down by her dad's friends?" _

_Kreia snorted. "Dear one, you very nearly ripped his head off."_

"_And I would have, too, if that kid hadn't screamed at me to stop. It's not like it was _his _dad, and the girl wasn't asking me to stop."_

"_As I have said, the child Morgana did not have the power to say anything. She was a bit petrified of you."_

_Revan scoffed. "Apparently her friend wasn't. He made me stop before I could do any real damage."_

"_You crippled him for life, Revan dear."_

_Revan snarled; a look that sometimes made even the Jedi Masters shudder with fear. "I don't regret what I did to him. I never will."_

_Kreia patted Revan's leg. "I don't require you to feel regret, child. Only that you know what it is you did, and whether or not it would be wise to show your enemies such a weakness again." At Revan's grateful look, Kreia changed the subject. "What were you looking through the Sith Archives for, may I ask?"_

_Revan shrugged. "I heard that Sith can shoot lightning from their hands. I wanted to learn how to do it."_

_Kreia actually laughed. "Is that all, child? You should have said something sooner. It is simple, really."_

_Revan scrunched up her nose. "It is _not._ I tried it on Squint, and he didn't even feel anything."_

_Shaking her head, Kreia rolled her eyes and sat herself next to her Padawan. "I'll never understand why Alek lets you put him through your experiments." Then she held her hands out with the palms up toward the ceiling. "And yes, it is simple." With that, Kreia stared at her hand and frowned in concentration._

_A small bolt of lightning sparked from her fingertips._

_Revan gasped. "How did you do that? Tell me!"_

"_It is much like any other Force power, where you feel the Force flowing through you and bend it how you wish. You must feel the current of the Force flowing through you, and command it out of your fingertips as lightning."_

_Revan stared, incredulous. "That's it?"_

"_Indeed."_

"_Why do the Jedi not use it? Wouldn't it be simpler to take out our enemies that way?"_

_Kreia shook her head. "The Jedi do not believe in harming their enemies, dear one. They only defend themselves and others, and only kill if they have no other option. Knowing such an attack could be seen as another way to the Dark Side." She planted another look on Revan. "So do not make it universally known that you are aware of this power."_

_Revan saluted. "Yes, ma'am."_

_Kreia nodded. "Excellent. Now, are you going to try it out, or must I be forced to return to the Council Room to try and explain your way out of another punishment?"_

**XXXXX**

Connan blinked as the memory released her. Pulling up her legs until her knees touched her chest, she rubbed at her eyes delicately, trying to regain some moisture. She wasn't sure how long she'd been in the cargo hold.

Force, but her eyes hurt. She took a deep breath and let it out, pressing her face into her knees.

"Do you need some eye drops?"

Connan jumped at the voice. She opened her eyes and stared at Carth, who held his hands up in his defense.

"I didn't mean to startle you." He stated instantly. "You've been missing for a while and Jolee sent me to find you."

Connan smirked, still rubbing at her dry eyes. "How long have I been gone?"

Carth shrugged. "At least an hour or two." He regarded Connan carefully and edged toward her, unsure if she was going to rebuff him or not. "That didn't look near as bad as the other I saw."

Connan tensed for a moment, remembering the last memory seen in Carth's presence, but shrugged it off. If he were going to say something bad to her, he wouldn't look so curious about it. He'd look disapproving. "It wasn't."

"Can I ask what it was about?"

Connan scooted over on the ground, leaving enough room for Carth to sit beside her if he wanted.

He did. He leaned up against the wall, with his legs stretched out in front of him. He watched Connan out of the corner of his eyes to see her reaction.

Connan resisted the urge to grin. Should she be feeling so happy that he would sit next to her willingly? "It was about my younger days, I suppose. I certainly looked younger."

"Who was the other woman?"

Connan frowned. "It was a woman named Kreia. I think she was supposed to be lecturing me. I was in trouble."

Carth chuckled. "What did you do?"

Connan looked around, and this time she did smile widely. "I broke into the Archives inside the Enclave. I had a kid named Alek helping me."

"Who?"

"I don't know." Connan shrugged. "I didn't see him. We were just talking about him."

Carth was silent for a moment. He was probably thinking up another question. Connan waited.

Well, at least Connan was glad she'd _always _been in trouble with the Jedi Council. She thought they might have been picking on her on Dantooine for being older than the average Padawan, and getting her in trouble more often because of it. Once she realized she was—well, when she figured out she was Revan—she thought they might have been taking out their anger over her past actions on her; taking advantage of her lack of knowledge.

But now, she was glad she knew she'd always gotten in trouble with them. It made her feel… like she had a connection with herself. Like maybe not _everything _had been "programmed" into her.

And besides, that memory had been very interesting. She'd seen some of the Sith use Sith Lightning; Darth Bandon had actually used it on her once or twice before Carth and the others could intervene, and she'd listened to Master Zhar talk about the technique as a Dark and cruel form of attack that was _not _morally correct.

Now… when she'd heard "Kreia" explaining the way to use it, Connan couldn't help herself. She shifted position so her legs were sprawled out in front of her and held out her right hand—gloved because space was _cold _and the _Ebon Hawk _had a horrible heater—with the palm up.

Ignoring Carth's curious looks, Connan stared at her hand and concentrated. She focused on the Force, going by Kreia's instructions, and felt the Force pulsating up her arm and through her fingers. She commanded it to leave her fingertips as lightning.

A huge wave of energy pulsed down her arm, burning the appendage from the inside and blasting out of her upturned hand. A long bolt of energy shot from her hand, sparking about a foot in the air before dissipating. The resulting energy practically electrocuted Connan's fingers.

Connan cried out and jerked her hand to her chest, startling Carth into jumping.

"_Damn it_, that hurt!" She muttered to herself, rubbing her fingers together to try and soothe them. She just ended up rubbing her own wounds together.

Carth snatched Connan's hand away before Connan got too much farther. "What was _that?" _He asked, turning Connan's hand over to inspect the damage.

"I was just tryingto shoot lightning, like Kreia did." Connan replied. Carth unfastened Connan's glove and slid it off, rubbing gently at Connan's bright red hand. "My memory failed to mention that it was going to fracking _hurt_. I—I—"

Connan stumbled and broke off her sentence, blushing deeply as Carth studied Connan's injured hand. He ran his fingers across hers gently, looking for any lasting burns.

"Well, it looks like you just singed it." Carth muttered without glancing in Connan's direction, grasping her index finger and massaging it soothingly between his own hands. Connan's other fingers relaxed, and she stared at his large hands as if wondering what they were doing and if she should be alarmed.

"What—" Connan swallowed nervously. "What are you doing?"

"You're hurt." He replied, moving from Connan's index finger to her middle finger. "And although I shouldn't be surprised—you're always getting into scrapes one way or another, it seems—I can't stand it." He released her finger and drew in her ring finger, inspecting the digit for any significant burns before kneading it delicately. "Does it hurt?"

Connan shook her head, still watching Carth attentively. "It was only for an instant. I think it hurt more because I didn't expect it."

"No more shooting lightning." Carth instructed. "If _that _is what comes from it."

"Oh, I don't think it will happen if I try it again." Connan maintained. "Really, if you think about it, it was just stupidity on my part. Of course Force Lightning is going to electrocute me if I don't tell it not to. It doesn't know who the enemy is; it only knows it's supposed to shock, right?" Connan frowned. "At least, that's how I _think _that works. It sounds right…. Right?"

"Not at all." Carth replied, giving Connan's injured hand one final look-over before clasping it in his own and looking straight at Connan. "You're going to have to explain that one to me."

It took Connan a moment to gather her thoughts; Carth had ceased his inspection of her hand, but he hadn't let go of her hand. Both of their hands lay on the ground between them. Connan felt the contrast between the cold, metal floor and the burning between their entwined fingers.

But eventually Connan regained her composure and began explaining Force theory, ignoring how Carth flexed his hand subconsciously—and pointedly ignoring his smirk at her deep blush. She wasn't sure how she managed it, but she got through an entire conversation—an _intellectual_ one, at that!—with Carth and only stumbled three or four times.

Though she had to admit, those few times her concentration broke were because Carth shifted position, or realigned their fingers, or moved in some other significant way that might have stated he was leaving.

She wasn't one hundred percent sure why, but she didn't want him to go.

**XXXXX**

"**The Black Rakata shall never fall to you!"**

"Look, just _listen _to me, and this won't end in a blood bath…."

The One pulled the lever behind him, and the cages surrounding them holding the Rancors opened.

Connan swore, looking back at Carth and Mission. The two had their backs pressed together and were fighting a few One soldiers. Connan sighed, leaping straight into the air and onto one of the Rancors.

The Rancor immediately bucked underneath her. She had to fight to keep her balance. She watched as two other Rancors came charging toward the one Connan rode. She waited until the last second to jump straight upward, and watched the three Rancor slam into each other.

The resulting fight that erupted between the three was bloody and quick, with only one badly injured Rancor remaining on its feet. Connan made quick work of that one before turning to the last Rancor alive. She leapt at it and raked her lightsaber across its neck, completely decapitating it before it realized Connan's target.

Carth and Mission were still surrounded by Rakata soldiers and The One himself. Connan came to a split decision and acted without thinking. She raised her hand in the air and focused solely on the five remaining Rakata soldiers.

Lightning pulsed from her hand, electrocuting the soldiers into death instantly. Connan stared, alternating her surprised gaze from the dead Rakata to her painless hand.

Then she grinned at Carth. "I told you it wouldn't hurt the second time."

"Yeah, yeah," Carth shook his head, trying to hide his smile. "You're still in trouble. If I find even the _smallest _burn on your hands, you're in for it."

Mission frowned. "What are you doing looking at her hands?"

An outraged cry broke Connan from replying, and she turned just in time to block a lethal attack from the near-feral One. She knocked his weapon out of his hands with her next attack and held him at saber-point.

"I wonder what the point of attacking me was if you knew I was going to win in the first place." Connan drawled.

**  
"The One does not acknowledge you as winner. You will never win over the Black Rakata. Our numbers are too large. Not even our Elder Rakata will be able to stop us, soon enough."**

"Yes, yes, you're the biggest, baddest thing in the galaxy since—well, since _ever_, if my account of Rakatan history is correct. I don't care." Connan inched forward, keeping her saber close enough to burn The One's skin but not close enough to actually _hurt_. "What _I _care about is the prisoner Rakata you have hidden away somewhere. I sure would like to know where he is."

"**You are a traitor to The One, and The One will tell you nothing."**

"That's all very well and good for The One, but that seems more like a title than a name. And if _you're _The One, and I've just torn you off your throne—which I have—doesn't that title now descend to me? Am I not The One now?"

The One gasped. **"That is not so! What strange customs you speak of. The title would pass on to my offspring, or to the highest up in command after me."**

Connan smirked. "They're all dead, pal." She shrugged. "We made a point of sweeping from room to room, looking for someone who might believe us and not attack us. It seems to me that _you're _the only one left!" Connan barked out a laugh. "Get it? The One? The _only one_ left? Ah, you don't get it." She turned to Carth and Mission. "Tie him up. We'll bring him back to the Elder Researchers to examine."

A groan came from one of the recently opened cages. Connan ran over to the cage in question to see what was wrong.

She nearly threw up from nausea. There, tied to a stake around his dead friends, hung an Elder Warrior, still alive and kicking. Connan could see the bones sticking out of his arm, and he held his ribs delicately.

"Oh, Force, are you okay?" She asked, rushing forward to help. She cut the ropes binding him to his stake and caught him and he fell forward. "Stay still. I'll get something for your arm."

"**You… you have saved me from the savages and their war beasts…." **The warrior stated, obviously surprised.

Connan frowned as she opened her medpac. "Of course I did. If I knew you were in here the first time I came in, I would have freed you then, too. How long have you been like this?"

"**Long enough," **The poor warrior replied. Connan wrapped up his arm as best as possible. **"I don't know what I could have done if you had not come. I suppose I would be dead now, like the others they captured with me. Thank you for saving me. I shall attempt to return to the Enclave on my own. I will tell the Council of what you have done."**

"Whoa, whoa!" Connan cried, helping the Elder Warrior up into a standing position. "You can't walk like this on your own. I'm no medic, but you've obviously lost a lot of blood. And no offense, but I don't want my token of good faith dying on me while trying to get back home on his own."

The Rakatan laughed. **"Very well, sentient. We shall go together."**

"Connan?" Mission called. "Your One is now very tied up."

Connan slipped the warrior's unharmed arm around her shoulders and hoisted him up. "Great. Let's get going."

**XXXXX**

"**Our scout!"**

When the Elder Rakata healers rushed forward to take their injured comrade, Connan let them. She even let the Researchers take The One back with them.

After a few minutes the Elder Council reconvened in front of Connan. **"Revan, you are back. Our scout has told us of how you rescued him. His injuries are severe, but we believe he will survive. We are grateful for what you have done."**

"So will you help us?"

"**Indeed, we believe this action shows you have truly changed since your last visit here. The Council has decided we will trust you once more. For many generations we have sought a way to enter the Temple and discover the mean to destroy the Star Forge.**

"**But only those who can command the Force—those like you—can enter the Temple of the Ancients. We no longer have that power. That was why we helped you the last time you were here."**

Connan had the grace to look ashamed.

"**But you cannot enter the Temple without our help, Revan. Only the ancient rituals of our people can lower the shield for you to enter. You need us as much as we need you, Revan."**

Connan nodded. "I would welcome the help."

"**For our own sake, and for that of the entire galaxy, we hope you truly mean to atone for your past evils. When you are ready, Revan, we will take you to the Temple.**

"**But the Temple is a place of sacred power. If you are to enter you must do so alone, in the tradition followed by our Rakata ancestors for the past thousand generations."**

Connan froze, her mind racing.

"What's wrong?" Carth asked behind her.

_Alone. _She was supposed to go in without anyone else with her. Carth—let alone Mission—would never agree to such a thing if they knew she had to go in by herself.

Connan had a hard time convincing _herself _to let her go in alone. She wasn't a dummy; she knew there were probably Dark Jedi and crazy machines and all sorts of things she hadn't seen before, and she wasn't looking forward to doing it alone. It made her jumpy and afraid, which were two of Connan's least favorite words.

She swallowed her fear and pressed on. Slowly, Connan switched over to speaking Rakatan so only the Elders would understand. **"Must I go in alone?"**

Behind her she felt Carth and Mission tense, but they said nothing about the change in language.

"**Yes. We believe you truly wish to destroy the Star Forge this time. But the lesson of the past is not easily forgotten. We will not defile the sacred ritual a second time; only you alone may enter."**

Connan sighed, running a hand through her hair. It wasn't like they were giving her much of a choice. The only other people who could have gotten her and her friends inside that Temple were dead by their own hands. Connan would have to play this game the Elders' way.

"**All right." **She conceded. **"Alone it is."**

"**Then it is done. You have only to let us know when you are ready to enter the Temple."**

Connan turned to Mission and Carth. "Go back to the _Hawk_. Take those parts we found inside The One's palace and help T3-M4 fix up the ship."

Carth raised an incredulous eyebrow. "What about you?"

Connan shrugged. "Boring, technological stuff about the ritual. It'll take some time before we can flesh it all out, and the sooner we get it settled, the sooner we can get inside that Temple." Carth didn't look like he believed Connan's story at all, so she gave him a smile. "Go on, you two. We need to be able to take off as soon as we're through with the Temple."

"All right," Mission allowed, backing toward the door. "But we'll be waiting for you."

Connan grinned. "I'm not going to run."

With one last penetrating look between Connan and Carth, Mission succeeded in pulling the man out of the Elder housing. Connan let out a sigh as she turned back to the Elder Council. "Okay, I'm ready to go."

**XXXXX**

"_Bad, bad men. Women too, to be fair."_

_A confused query, and a bewildered expression._

"_Jolee, Juhani. What are you doing up here?"_

"_We followed you up here when you didn't show after a while."_

"_Come back with us this instant, lass. This is no place for you to be by yourself."_

_A rescinding hand followed by fear. Pure fear._

"_Shut up, old man! Your time is over. The age of the Jedi and the Republic is no more! This is the age of Darth Revan and the Sith!"_

_Pain. Intense, internal pain._

"_Don't do this, lass. I don't want to, but I'll fight you if I have to. Even if it costs me my life."_

"_I am the Lord of the Sith! Bow down before me!"_

_A twinge of a breaking heart, and a desperation veiled inside a final attempt to see reason._

"_A true Jedi would _never _bow down to the Sith. If this is your decision I have no choice but to do battle against you."_

"_Kill her! Rend her flesh! Show her the fate of all who dare stand against us! Embrace the power of the Dark Side!"_

"_With the death of the Jedi, the rebirth of the Dark Lord Revan will be complete."_

_Nothing._

Jolee bolted upright with a gasp. He clutched at his throat and looked around wildly inside the room.

Thank the Force, he was still inside the crowded dorm room. That horrible dream had been—had been—

Had been incredibly real, as a matter of fact.

Jolee stood and left the dorm room, making his way toward the garage. He was met there by an equally distraught Juhani, who stared at Jolee as if he were a godsend.

"Tell me you just had a nightmare." Jolee demanded.

Juhani nodded instantly. "It was a vision, sent by the Force. I'm sure of it."

"Me, too. What could it mean? I don't—"

The ramp opened and Mission and Carth entered the ship. Jolee frowned.

"Weren't you tagging along with Connan?"

"We were." Mission replied. "But she sent us away to fix the ship. She said something about fleshing out the Temple plans and shooed us away as quickly as possible."

Jolee felt the familiar sense of dread envelop him. He exchanged an extremely alarmed glance with Juhani.

"Stay here." Jolee ordered. "No matter _what_."

Carth tensed. "Something's going to happen, isn't it?" He scowled. "I _knew _something was wrong when she started speaking their language. She was preventing us from listening."

"But what's going on?" Mission asked.

Jolee called his lightsabers to him and fastened them around his belt. He and Juhani were out of the ship before he even considered answering.

"Connan is going to try to enter the Temple _alone_."

**XXXXX**

"**Wait… Someone is coming!"**

Connan sighed, staring in the direction indicated by the head Elder. Jolee and Juhani ran to meet Connan next to the ritual performers.

"Lass, stop. You can't go in there alone."

"What are you doing here?" Connan asked.

"We have had a… a premonition." Juhani replied. "The Force has given us a vision. There is grave danger within the Temple. We cannot let you face it alone."

Connan resisted the sigh of relief, but barely. She was _glad _they were offering help, but she couldn't take it. The Rakata would never open the Temple if they knew she was going to take in other people with her.

"I know that look, missy, and you'd better wipe it off your face this instant!" Jolee scolded. "You might be walking into a trap. Maybe even Malak himself is waiting inside. Even if he isn't, that Temple will be crawling with Dark Jedi; surely you've thought of this. You'll need all the help you can get."

The Elder ritual leader stamped his foot. **"No other can go with you into the Temple. You must enter alone. That is the way of the ancient ritual."**

Connan grimaced. "Jolee—"

"_No, _lass. You've played martyr long enough. You say what you have to to that friend of yours there, and we'll wait as patiently as possible for the Temple doors to open."

Connan sighed. "I guess we're all going in then."

"**No! You must enter the Temple alone! I will **_**not **_**lower the shields!"**

"I don't know what he said, but it sounds like our guide is being stubborn. Heh. Maybe he's related to you in some way." Jolee chuckled to himself. "But we don't have time for this. The Republic fleet is on its way, and we'll be stuck on this planet until we can deactivate the disruptor field. You have to convince him to get us inside that Temple!"

Connan shrugged, turning back to the ritual leader. "Either you let us all into the Temple, or the galaxy will be at the mercy of Malak and the Star Forge, and it will all be _your fault. _Unless you think you can live with that, you'd better lower the shields."

The ritual leader hesitated. **"I… I believe you. The Elders have said you wish to destroy the Star Forge and end the terrible legacy of our ancestors. If you need help to do this, I will not stand in your way. I will resume the ritual now."**

As the Elders knelt again Connan turned back to her friends. "This is going to take a while."

Jolee groaned. "We'd better stay ready. As soon as those shields are down we have to be inside that Temple."

Connan rubbed the back of her head. "Thank you, guys. Frankly, I was terrified of going in there alone. I'm not too sure what would have happened."

A tense look was passed between Jolee and Juhani, making Connan frown, but the next moment it was gone, and both of them were all smiles and smirks and teasing that Connan quite forgot about her fear of going in alone.

**XXXXX**

**I originally had this chapter and the next chapter as one whole chapter, but it ended up being thirty-plus pages so I was forced to split them.**

**And I've tallied it up, and from what I've estimated, I'll have at least 13 chapters in all. So I'm almost done. But don't worry. They get fun from here on out.**

**Disclaimer: I'm really sick today, so I definitely don't own Flyleaf nor KotOR. **

**So **_**there**_**.**

_**Amme Moto**_


	9. The Pretender

**So She Fell**

**Chapter Nine: The Pretender**

"_What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?"_

**XXXXX**

"Lord Malak told us you were still alive, but none of us dared believe it!" The acolyte slapped a hand to her cheek, obviously shocked.

Connan shrugged. "What can I say? I'm hard to kill."

Another acolyte laughed. "Don't be so cocky, Revan. Lord Malak _also _told us what happened to you; what you have become."

Juhani raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what has she become?"

The third and last acolyte narrowed his eyes. "You are a shell of what you once were."

_I am _not _a shell._

Something dark flared through Connan as she felt her own eyes darken and glare. She ignited her lightsaber at her side and slashed it, sending sparks as it scraped the ground. "We'll see about that when I clean the floor with your faces."

Jolee chuckled. "I hate to break this to you, lass, but that wouldn't make the floor any cleaner."

**XXXXX**

Damn it, something was wrong. Carth could feel it. He paced outside the ship, making a small trail in the sand after a while. At every sound his head jolted up, watching the beach carefully for any sign of Connan or the others.

Juhani and Jolee had been gone for hours now, and none of them had returned.

_I _knew _I shouldn't have listened to Connan_. Carth scowled to himself, returning to his pacing. _I should have stayed with her. _He ran a hand through his hair and continued his pacing.

He _had _to have known she was going to pull something like this. It wasn't like the signs hadn't been there. As soon as she'd switched languages and started speaking that strange language, bells started clanging in Carth's head. Flags went up and alarms blared. _Something's wrong! _They shouted at him. _Something isn't right!_

As soon as he thought that, Connan had turned around with that fake smile and asked Mission and Carth to leave her _alone _with the Rakata Elders. _Planning the attack on the Temple, my foot. _She'd looked right at him and lied about where she was going to be, and he _knew _she was lying.

And what had he done?

Carth—in all his intelligence—_left her there_.

Carth continued his pacing. _Connan _almost _went inside the Temple by herself. If Juhani or Jolee hadn't been there—if they hadn't acted on whatever told them about Connan's plans—_

Carth's mind instantly went on a different tangent. Thinking about the "if they hadn'ts" would only make Carth feel more guilty.

But still, Connan was nearly forced to enter the Temple all alone. Carth still wasn't one-hundred percent sure, but he thought that going in alone wasn't totally Connan's idea. He'd seen her tense at one point in the conversation, and right after that, she'd switched languages and tried her best to hide what she was talking about.

But Carth could still tell. Her hand dragged through her head and stopped halfway, and she'd pressed down on top of her head; Connan's universal sign for "I don't want to do this".

He knew that. Carth _knew _that's what that meant, and _still _he'd left her by herself.

She could have gone inside that Dark Sided building by herself. For all anyone knew, Malak _himself _was inside that Temple, and Carth just _let her go_.

_Stop that. _He commanded himself. _She _didn't _go alone, in the end. Don't beat yourself up over that._

Well, okay. She wasn't by herself anymore, anyway. He didn't have to worry about her being alone. And besides, from what Connan had explained from the Rakata Elders, only Jedi could enter the Temple, so it wasn't like he could have followed her anyway. Carth could take a deep breath. There was no use in feeling guilty about something he couldn't have prevented.

What if she got hurt? What if she'd been captured? What if she'd been backed into a corner, and no one had been there to protect her?

Carth's pacing stopped.

Oh, bad thoughts. Sickening thoughts. The very idea that Connan was alone and hurt made Carth's heart ache. If Connan got hurt—if she was unable to return on her own—if she _died_—

Carth didn't know what he'd do. His mind drew a blank. He just couldn't _see _Connan helpless and defeated, even in his mind, and trying to force himself to made his heart lurch as if it were to burst from his chest.

_Wait, _he told himself. _Calm down. Take a deep breath. Nothing's actually happened that you know of. There's no reason to get panicky._

His path reset, and his pace started again, and his mind erased those thoughts from his head. It did no good to fret about something that _might _happen, not something that _has _happened.

**XXXXX**

Connan raced up the Temple summit and out of doors. Flinching in the sunlight, she held a hand up to take in her surroundings and estimate the distance left to the disruptor shield.

A lone dark figure stood in her way. Connan gawked openly, feeling a mix between shock and confusion.

_What is she doing here?_

Jolee and Juhani came to a screeching halt next to Connan, nearly heaving as hard as she was in their exertion to keep up.

Juhani let out a gasp of surprise at the woman blocking their path.

"Bastila."

Bastila—pale, Sith robe-cloaked, angry looking Bastila—ignored Juhani completely, walking forward and keeping her eyes solely on Connan.

"Revan." Bastila called, almost spat, Connan's old name out as if it wounded her to speak it. "I knew you'd come for me. Malak thought you might be afraid to enter the Temple again, but he doesn't know you like I do. Not anymore. Not since you've changed."

The seething tone brought back many feelings that seemed foreign to Connan. She didn't know how to process them inside her mind. Her subconscious took hold of these emotions and ran wild with them; supplying her with information. Something now sparked within her mind in warning signals.

Connan paled, her eyes widening with realization.

"Oh, Bastila. _No_."

Bastila smiled toothily; an expression that once would look honest and innocent now looks simply sinister and sarcastic. "Oh, yes."

Juhani blinked and shook her head, obviously not understanding the mini-conversation between the two. "Quickly, Bastila. Come with us! We have to escape before Malak arrives." She held out a hand to the woman standing in front of them.

Bastila reached out her own hand to clasp Juhani's. Connan snatched Juhani's hand away before Bastila could harm the Cathar.

"Don't touch her." Connan warned. "I don't think escape is on her mind."

"Escape?" Bastila repeated, spitting the word as callously as she had Connan's name. "You don't understand. I have sworn allegiance to Lord Malak of the Sith; I am no longer a pawn of the Jedi Council."

Connan laughed darkly. "So now you're a pawn for Malak instead?"

"Don't provoke her, lass." Jolee murmured, watching Bastila's face darken.

"Of course _you _would not understand; your memories taken, your identity completely rearranged into someone different, your whole life in tatters, left with no choice but to _obey_. You are nothing but a machine programmed by the Jedi Council to do their will. _You _are the ultimate pawn."

Connan ignored the stabbing in her gut. She'd lived with it long enough now that it was almost painless. Besides, by now she knew the barbs were only in her imagination; no one else thought of her as a droid or a ticking time-bomb, so there was no reason for her to think of herself as such.

"I don't know what you mean." Connan shrugged, leaning all her weight on one leg and shifting so she slouched while standing; a maneuver that used to annoy Bastila endlessly on their adventures. "Last time I checked, I was the only choice the Council _had_ to go after Malak, but they never approved of my interpretations of their teachings. I am no one's pawn."

"Surely you know what I mean, Revan." Connan winced at the name. "Look at what the Council did to you; they turned you into their puppet. The same thing they do to all who are truly strong in the Force."

"I am _not _a puppet."

Connan was ignored. "They speak of the Dark Side as if it is something to be feared. But in reality their only goal is to manipulate those who are strong in the Force. The fear of the Dark Side is a tool to maintain control."

Connan shook her head, now a little anxious. Bastila was sounding completely serious; like she knew exactly what she was talking about. But that wasn't possible. She couldn't have actually _turned_, could she? There was _no way _this was actually happening.

"You don't believe that, Bastila. You _don't_."

Bastila sneered. "Why do you think the Jedi forbid you and Malak from joining the Mandalorian Wars? They knew you would realize your true potential and break free of their domination."

At this Connan felt her stomach grow cold. "They forbid it because their teaching advised _against _it, and Revan and Malak were going against their teaching."

"How strange to hear you talk of yourself in the third person." Bastila snickered at Connan's flushed expression. "You don't believe this, Revan. You know the truth now, just as you knew it back then. They forbid you to go to war because you _used _to be the greatest Jedi in the galaxy, but once you understood how powerful you actually _were_, you would leave altogether, and your power would have been lost to the Jedi Council."

"Bastila, this can't be true. You _can't _believe this."

Connan was again ignored, and Bastila's lecture continued. "Malak has shown me how the Jedi Council has been using me the same way they once tried to use you. They've been holding me back because they knew one day I would surpass them all."

Connan let out a shaky breath. "Okay, Bastila. The joke is over. We came all this way just to _find_ you. You're really, actually, _seriously_ scaring me right now."

Bastila snorted, a sound so vulgar Connan had never heard her use it before. "I resisted at first. I endured the Sith torments with the passionless serenity of a true Jedi, emptying my mind. But after a week of endless tortures I finally saw the truth. Malak forced me to acknowledge my anger and pain. He showed me the liberating power of these emotions. Then he made me see how the Jedi Council has denied me what is mine by right!"

"Anger and pain that _Malak _put there _himself_!" Connan cried. "Don't you see? He _created _your pain and then made you _submit _to it!"

"I am _not _through speaking."

Dread, tinged with fear, now traced Connan's thoughts. _Bastila was the best of us, and look how far she's fallen…._

"The Jedi Council gladly used my Battle Meditation in the wars, but they still treated me like a child—like an inferior. They were jealous of my power… of what I could become!" A sneer entered Bastila's voice, hinting that this was not the brainwashing of only a few weeks. This had been on Bastila's mind for quite some time. "They wanted me to bow and call them Master and follow their Code and obey their every order. But all the while they were exploiting my Battle Meditation for their own use!"

"Are you serious, Bastila?" Connan cried, hurt enough now to lash out with her own words. "You whine of them treating you like a child and pout when they ask you to use you _rare powers _to save the _galaxy _from certain annihilation?" Connan laughed out her disbelief. "Can you say petulance? What lies you've been told."

Bastila cocked an eyebrow and pointed the finger straight at Connan, who flinched inwardly. "Lies? _You _are living the lie, Revan. The Jedi Council made you into something you are not; they programmed you to be their slave. You used to be Revan, Master of the Sith, but no longer. You are simply a pawn of the Jedi Council and the Republic they serve… like _I_ was until Malak freed me from their shackles!"

Then Bastila straightened her stance, and set her eyes on Connan with a look that Connan did not appreciate. She _knew _that look.

Connan fell into a defensive crouch.

Bastila examined Connan closely, studying her up and down. "A pity the power you once had is too diluted in you. You could have been strong as I am now… stronger, even." Bastila ignited her lightsaber, both edges of the double-bladed sword glowing dark red. "But that will never happen, now. With the power of the Star Forge, Malak will destroy the Republic and conquer the galaxy. And I will be the apprentice at his side—after I prove my worth by killing _you_."

Her left hand flew into the air, using a gust of the Force to knock Jolee and Juhani back from the battle and to the other side of the roof. Then she threw her saber straight at Connan.

Connan fell to the ground, letting the lightsaber whizz past her as she landed. She leapt to her feet and blocked another attack from Bastila, who kicked her back and whirled around to knock Jolee off of his feet. She thrust her hand toward Juhani, sending her sailing across the room before turning back to Connan and blocking just before the Jedi's attack would take off her head.

"Bastila, stop!" Connan pleaded, deflecting a vicious attack from Bastila's saber and ramming her head into Bastila's, effectively knocking the dazed woman backward. Connan whirled around and rammed the hilt of her saber into Bastila's stomach. The woman doubled over.

Then she was back on her feet and slashing at Connan with an enraged cry.

Connan held her saber out and held on as tightly as possible. Bastila pressed down as Connan pushed up, both trying to gain the upper hand.

"Bastila, please. Don't do this."

Bastila didn't reply. She pushed harder at Connan, nearly making Connan lose her grip. Connan resettled her hands and tried to push Bastila up.

_All right, that's it._

Power enveloped Connan; a dark power that ran through her veins and gave her strength. It was brutal, potent, and drove adrenaline into her system to propel her forward. Her vision became ever-so-slightly tinged in red, but instead of confusing her, the change boosted her confidence. It was as if the Force was tightly coiled around her, charged with so much energy that it nipped at her and kept her awake.

For the first time in Connan's memory, she could _taste _power. It sat on the tip of her tongue; a mix between the metallic flavor of blood and the rusty tang of metal. It rolled through her fingertips, almost bursting through without her permission in its anxiety to be let loose.

Connan smashed her head into Bastila's and did just that.

A bolt of lightning flew effortlessly from Connan's hand before she could command it to. Bastila threw her saber in the way, absorbing the shock. Then Connan grasped tighter onto her lightsaber and slashed offensively at Bastila, using brute strength plus a bit of Force Push to create a powerful assault.

Bastila blocked, but barely. Connan twirled around her and slammed her hilt into Bastila's back, knocking Bastila forward. Before Connan could follow up with another attack, Bastila turned and kicked Connan square in the stomach.

Connan bent over, holding her stomach. She cringed as Bastila held up her dark red saber to bring it down on Connan's neck, and she held her own blue lightsaber up to block.

A green saber entered the mix, catching Bastila's saber and knocking it backward. Connan stood up and let out a breath as Jolee stood between her and Bastila.

"Thanks."

Bastila reentered the fight, aiming for Jolee's stomach with one side of her saber and at Connan's legs with the other. Connan leapt over Bastila's saber as Jolee blocked and returned his own attack. Connan reached out and wrapped an arm around Bastila's neck as Juhani rushed forward to start her attack.

Then Bastila let out a cry, and all three of them were blown backward.

Connan hit the wall with a _crack_, and slid to the ground. The intense power she'd been feeding from earlier fled from her then, draining her energies as it left. She slumped against the wall before even attempting to stand to try and regain some of her lost vigor.

Whatever power she'd had a moment ago, she suddenly wished she had it back. If she reclaimed some of her previous strength, maybe she wouldn't feel so vulnerable at the moment. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to steady herself.

_I wish I knew where that power had come from._

She rubbed her head as she stood up again, calling her saber back to her and watching Bastila warily. The woman had a wry smirk on her face, an expression so foreign to Bastila's features that Connan had absolutely no idea what the woman could be thinking.

"Now what, Bastila?"

The Dark-Sided woman merely chuckled under her breath. "You are stronger than I would have thought possible, after what the Jedi Council did to you."

Connan stiffened at the words, but didn't reply. She held her ground and looked over at Jolee, a few yards to her left. He kept his eyes on Bastila, watching her for any sign that she might attack again.

"It seems that Malak was wrong—the power of the Dark Side is not lost to you after all, Revan."

Connan cringed. "I'm _not _Revan."

Bastila gave Connan a placating look. "Of course you are, Revan."

At this Connan snarled and shook her head. "Revan, Revan, _Revan_! Stop _calling _me that!" She stomped her foot and gave Bastila her best glare. "My name is _Connan Frai_. I'm a smuggler. My homeworld was blown in half because of civil war while I was out on a run."

"You can deny who you are; Revan, but you are only fooling yourself. I know the truth. I have seen the shadows in your mind."

_Shadows?_

But no, Connan had seen the shadows in her own mind, as well. When Sunry had been set free, Connan wanted nothing more than to kill him right then; his remorseless tone and expressions sent all kinds of Dark thoughts and hatred through her.

_That power that I used before… was that part of the shadows?_

_Was that the Dark Side I used?_

The thought frightened her. She straightened herself and shook her head. "There are no shadows in my mind."

Bastila laughed. "Come now, Revan. I can _see _your mind. Remember: I was there when you nearly died in the trap set by the Jedi Council. I used the Force to preserve your life, Revan. We are forever linked by my actions on that bridge!"

"Oh, is _that _what you want? Gratitude? You want me to thank you for not letting me die and instead wiping my memory clean and leading me on throughout the galaxy thinking I was someone else?"

"You are smarter than that, Revan. You know what it is I want."

Connan huffed and crossed her arms. "You want to kill me, apparently." She sneered. "First you try to save my life then you try to take it. I do wish you'd make up your mind, Bastila."

"I saved your life because the Jedi do not kill their prisoners." Bastila admitted. "I was acting like a tool of the Jedi Council—as you are now. But now I see how the Jedi used us _both_."

Connan frowned. "What are you suggesting?"

Bastila smiled, straightened, and took a step toward Connan in a nonthreatening way. "The Council tried to exploit the bond between us. They hoped I would draw out your memories to lead them to the Star Forge. We were slaves to their will—like _all _who follow the Jedi Code!"

"You know that isn't true, lass." Jolee implored. "Finding the Star Forge was a necessity. The Sith would bring down the galaxy if they didn't find it."

Bastila scoffed. "So says the man who has personally flouted the rules of the Jedi for his own selfish use."

"The Jedi Code is a set of guidelines, Bastila. They are set to keep people from straying and ending up somewhere alone and trapped."

Bastila barked out a laugh. "I am hardly trapped, old man." She straightened her shoulders and sent Connan a cocky smile. "In fact, I would say I've been liberated. And I have _you _to thank, Revan."

Connan froze. An terrible thought flashed into her head, and now that she'd thought it, the persistent idea wouldn't leave.

_I didn't—It's not my fault. Is it?_

"I don't want to hear this." Connan backed against the wall, running a hand through her hair and tugging out her ponytail.

"You must hear this, Revan." Bastila pushed, taking another step forward. "In our shared visions of the Star Maps, I felt the _so called _'taint' within you."

_No._

"I resisted it at first, but now I embrace the power of the Dark Side."

_Don't say it._

"_Your _Dark Side."

Connan felt her stomach turn.

_It's not true. _She told herself. _It's _not _true._

Connan took a deep breath. She'd spent the last few weeks wallowing in this self-pity that was now steadily eating away at her. Now that she'd gotten rid of it, it decided to return tenfold in the form of a fallen Bastila.

She knew what Bastila was talking about. When Uthar Wynn, the newly deceased headmaster of the Sith Academy on Korriban, mentioned a dark seed inside Connan, she'd been alerted to its presence. When Dustil proved to be a nasty little brat and threatened to kill his own father, that dark seed grew, making her force herself to not strike out at him. He was Carth's lost son. Killing Dustil was definitely a bad thing. The only reason she hadn't was because she knew it wouldn't have helped the situation.

She'd felt her own Dark Side. She knew what anger and malevolence Bastila was talking about. She had thought she was making a lot of headway; not allowing her past to mess with her judgment or her morale. Connan started to actually think she was starting to put the past behind her. No longer would she hurt anyone with her past.

She hadn't considered that Bastila might be able to feel her Dark Side through their bond, and that she might succumb to it herself.

_I'm going to be sick._

"Oh, my Gods." Connan leaned against the wall, no longer convinced her legs could hold her up by themselves. Her stomach churned. She bit her tongue to keep from actually throwing up. "Bastila, I—"

"Don't you dare apologize, Connan." Jolee snapped. "Bastila's falling has nothing to do with any choice _you've _made recently. It has everything to do with her own choices."

Bastila sneered at Jolee, obviously irritated at the interruption. "A choice I would not have had to make if her own Dark Side had not been pushing and pushing at me all the while as I was tortured and persuaded."

"That's not true, lass, and you know it." Jolee interrupted. "I will admit that spending time around whatever Dark Side that might or might not be hidden within Connan may have _acclimated _you to the presence of the Dark side. But whatever Dark Side _you _took hold of, it was nothing but your own."

"Whether or not you two are bonded, it was your choice to fall to the Dark Side. You cannot blame that on Connan." Juhani added.

Bastila whirled around in a fury to the other two Jedi. "I wasn't aware that I was speaking to the two of you," She snapped. "For the moment, I am speaking to Revan." Then she turned back to Connan, her voice once again calm and tempting. "Those two don't know what they are talking about. It _was _your Dark Side that I embraced, and you know it. You've felt it yourself. The anger; the overwhelming desire to kill whatever is making you angry."

Connan shuffled her feet. When she didn't reply, Bastila went on. "You've felt these emotions, Revan. I have felt them through you. Even before, in that battle we fought, I felt it. Why else could you have turned the tables around on me so quickly?"

_So I was right. That power… it _was _the Dark Side._

Connan swallowed her guilt. "Why are you saying this?" She snapped. "What are you trying to do? Are you trying to make me feel _guilty _that you fell to the Dark Side? To make me understand that not only have I messed up my own life, I've ruined others with the actions I no longer remember doing?"

Bastila crossed her arms and shook her head. "You haven't messed up at all, Revan."

Connan's head shot up and her eyes widened. "What—"

"Revan," Bastila was close enough now to reach out and gently lay a hand on Connan's shoulder. "I understand where you're coming from, believe me. Right now, you've been taught to avoid the Dark Side at all costs; it's been drilled into your head for so long that you feel as if it's been your conviction all along." At this Bastila smirked. "But our bond has not been broken yet, Revan. I could feel you as we were fighting. I know you tapped into your Dark power, and I could feel your satisfaction as it showed you how much _stronger _it could make you."

Jolee snatched Bastila's hand away from Connan's shoulder. "Now hold on just a minute—"

Bastila yanked her own hand from Jolee's grasp but otherwise ignored him. She kept her eyes on Connan.

She took another step forward, making Connan feel more crowded than ever. "_You _deserve to be the true Master of the Sith, not Malak. I see this now!"

**XXXXX**

A tremor passed through Carth.

Carth shuddered and looked up. He set down the datapad he'd been looking over and stood. He took a few steps away from the _Hawk_, and looked around.

He didn't know what he was looking for. He'd suddenly felt a _shock_, like he'd been asleep for a long time and something had jolted him awake, not only jarring him into a completely different mindset but startling him at the same time.

Carth wasn't completely sure how he knew, but he was _sure _he knew what that meant. It sent terrible shivers down his spine and made his eyes widen.

_Something had happened to Connan._

Trepidation filled Carth as he continued to pace, wiping the sweat off of his brow.

In the heat of the day, Carth had stripped himself of his jacket and his shirt, opting instead to wait outside in his undershirt. He ran both hands through his hair as he thought out his options.

He had to go after Connan. He _wanted _to go after Connan. She could be hurt. She could be _dead_. There were so many things that could have gone wrong while he wasn't there and the thought was making him worry more than if he'd actually been there with her.

"Wow, Carth. Calm down." Mission's voice came from the ramp. Carth looked toward her, barely registering her smirk and her crossed arms. "I know you're worried about Connan being somewhere without you, but _jeez_, you lost puppy, it's only been about three or four hours."

Carth stopped his pacing long enough to glare. "I am _not _a lost puppy." He growled. "I'm just—I don't know where she is. I don't know if something's happened. I don't—"

Mission laughed. "You're worse than Æliesha is. Are we going to have to lock you in your room so you don't try to follow her, as well?"

Carth simply continued to glare. After a moment of silence Mission huffed out a sigh. "Look, Carth. Nothing's going to happen. If you recall, Connan isn't a very big fan of dying. Bad for your health, she says."

The familiar saying brought a tiny smile to Carth's face, causing Mission to grin. "So cheer up. She'll be back with the other two and then we'll go kick some Sith tail!"

"I guess…." Carth scratched the back of his head before continuing his pace.

"There's nothing we can do, anyway." Mission continued. "We can't even wait with the Elders because we can't understand them. So sit down next to me and _relax_. They'll be back soon."

When Carth didn't reply, Mission growled and sat roughly on the ramp, patting the space next to her. "I wasn't asking, old man. You're going to give yourself a heart attack and then Connan will have to come back to a dead Carth."

Grudgingly, Carth sat and took a breath. She was right, anyway. There was nothing he could really do but wait it out and hope that whatever happened hadn't hurt her.

He surprised himself with how much he _really _didn't want to see Connan hurt.

**XXXXX**

_What?_

Connan ripped away from Bastila, putting several feet between them. She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came. She stared at Bastila in complete shock, unable to respond.

"Join with me, Revan." Bastila prompted. "Come with me now. Together we can destroy your old apprentice. Join with me and reclaim your lost identity!"

Connan once again opened her mouth, this time ready to spit out _hell no, I'd never do anything with you, leave me alone, get out of my way._

And then Bastila's gaze shifted slightly on Connan's face, and the power came flooding back into her.

Connan gasped this time with how much of it filled her. She felt like she could lift the _Ebon Hawk _from its resting place on the other side of the island and crush it if she wanted. She felt that she could force the Elder Temple to crumble around the Elders' ears.

But now "this power" was no longer nameless. The Dark Side was what Connan was feeling. It wrapped around her, beckoning to her to agree.

"What are you talking about?" Connan asked, her voice breathier and more nervous than she would like to admit. "I—How can I reclaim my identity if I can't even remember it?"

One glance at Jolee told Connan that this was _not _what he'd wanted to hear. His stare turned steely, and he sighed and shook his head as if he were disappointed.

Indignation rose up in Connan. _What? _She thought to herself, aiming her frigid remarks toward Jolee. _It's a legitimate question. Don't look at me like I've just signed your death sentence._

In the back of her mind, Connan distinctly heard another thought poke through to the surface, one that she didn't recall thinking herself.

_It would be a shame to have to kill him._

Whatever reaction Jolee had to Connan's reply, Bastila seemed to think the opposite. She gave Connan a patient smile. "Your mind was too badly damaged to ever fully restore your memories. But your power, your strength of will, the essence of whom and what you are: these things still remain!"

Another wave of power crashed over Connan, and she had to suppress a shudder. Whatever it was that was giving her this power, she _loved _it. She literally felt like she could do anything she wanted so long as this unrestrained, raw _power _rushed through her.

She looked at her hands, not surprised to find them shaking with excitement. _This is who I am?_

_No. No, it can't be. I'm more than just raw power. I have to be. There are other things—important things—left in the galaxy that are happier _without _the Dark Side powers._

Something inside Connan laughed at her feeble attempt to convince herself. _Oh? _It asked her. _And what might those "important things" be?"_

Connan frowned. _Well…. There had to be _something.

"Connan, don't listen to her." Juhani interrupted. She turned to Bastila and gave her a hard, calculating stare. "The essence of who she is is _different _than what choices she made in the past. The choices she's made now, as Connan, are what define her now."

"That is not true, and I think you know it." Bastila snarled. "This is yet another trick to try and regain some Jedi control over a powerful woman who is teetering on the edge of a life-changing decision."

Jolee barked out a laugh. "And how is your coercive speech not considered manipulation?"

"Revan, once long ago you defied the Jedi Council, freeing yourself from their control. You claimed your rightful title of Dark Lord of the Sith. Together we can defeat Malak and take back what it yours!"

Connan took a few more steps back, farther away from everyone. The three others on the roof—two Jedi and one Sith—all stared at Connan, waiting for her to come to a decision.

"I can't—" Connan cleared her throat and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "I _can't_, Bastila."

The Dark Side power whirling around Connan spurned her, lashing out at her by tightly coiling itself around her, nearly drowning her in its strength.

All this power. She had to let it out somewhere. She clenched her fists to try and keep the power bottled up.

Juhani seemed to take Connan's answer as a good sign. She held her hand out to a miffed Bastila once again. "Bastila, it is not too late for you to be saved. The teachings of the Jedi can lead you from the Dark Side back into the Light and a true understanding of the Force."

Bastila turned her wrath onto Juhani. "You are _beneath _my contempt, Juhani. When you felt the power of the Dark Side, you fled to a cave like some cowering animal! You know nothing of the Force or its true potential." She turned back to Connan with one final plea. "But _you_, Revan—the power of the Dark Side is _yours _to command. You can use it to destroy Malak. With my help, you could rule over the entire galaxy!"

Connan shook. With all eyes upon her, she shrank back into herself and thought.

This Dark Side Bastila spoke of… it was different than what the Jedi Council said it would be like. They explained something brutal, something twisted and cruel; something that would seize control of a person and maul the soul and spirit until nothing but a monstrous being was left, devoid of both conscience and forethought. This felt like maybe an old, over-eccentric friend returning after a long time away. It swirled around her and pleaded with her and promised her _oh so many things _and granted power and pulsed it through her veins and sharpened her senses and kept her mind focused on the task at hand—becoming stronger, of course—and practically begged her to _give in_.

And really, Connan persuaded to herself, what did she really have to lose? The end would be no different. Malak would be dead and Connan would be just as clueless about her past life as before. There would really be _nothing different_, other than the substantial amount of power she'd hold.

"Don't do this, lass." Jolee murmured.

"Shut up, old man! Your time is over."

_Really, what do I stand to lose? _Connan asked herself, becoming more confident with her decision. She unclenched her fists, letting the power crackle through slightly in the form of sparks. They reached out past her fingertips and arched in the air toward Juhani, who stared calmly as the electric power dissipated before it got close enough to burn.

As if to thank her for allowing its small bit of freedom, the Dark Side crashed another tidal wave of power through her. Connan gasped out loud. The power… there was so _much _of it. How could one person hold so much?

They couldn't, Connan decided. She was going to burst sooner or later if she didn't expend this energy. It would give her a reason to tear the place up and inspect the powers of the Dark Side.

It was only courteous of her, after all. If Carth had given her a reason to stay on his side, she might as well check out Bastila's reason for changing to _her _side, and then—

_Carth._

Connan lashed out at the Dark Side power instantly, banishing it from her without hesitation as her eyes widened and she shook her head.

"No!" Connan shrieked, jolting backward and slamming her back into the wall opposite Bastila. "I _won't_. I won't!"

_Oh my gods, I nearly—I almost said _yes_…._

"I am _not _Revan." Connan continued, drawing strength into herself the more resolute she became. "No matter who I was back then, I am who I am now. The choices I've made since meeting everyone, since the _beginning,_ are the choices that define me." She stood straight and stared Bastila in the eye. "You do not get to define me based on what I was in the past. _I _get to define me based on what I've done _now_."

Bastila once again shifted her glance at Connan as another wave of Dark Side power enveloped her. "Come now, Revan. Don't—"

Connan swatted the power away without a second thought. "Shut _up_, Bastila. Nothing you can say will convince me. _Ever_."

Bastila's eyes narrowed. She opened her mouth to retort. Connan tensed and glared.

Jolee stepped in front of Connan. How he got so close without her knowing, she wasn't sure, but he was right in between her and Bastila, his arms spread wide, protecting Connan. Juhani stepped beside Connan and linked their arms together in a silent show of strength.

"I think the lass has made her point, Bastila." Jolee stated, his voice solid as a rock. "You can let up with your Dark Side influence, now. I'm sure it won't have an effect on her anymore."

Connan tensed. Before she could ask Jolee what he was talking about, Bastila cut in. "You are a pathetic fool, _Connan_. Together we could have defeated Malak and ruled over an Empire. Now I will be at Lord Malak's side instead." She sneered at the three Jedi. "You will be crushed with the Republic and all the fools who bow down to the Jedi Council! No one can stand against the power of the Star Forge and the Sith Fleet!"

She turned and ran toward the end of the roof, where her shuttle sat idly waiting for her. Jolee took a step to follow her, only to slide backward thanks to a shield placed by Bastila. Before he could take it down, she was gone.

Connan took a deep breath. Now that Bastila was gone and the immediate threat was taken care of, Connan's mortification came back at full power.

She turned green, clearly disgusted with herself. She slid her arm out from Juhani's and staggered away from her.

Now with both of the Jedi staring at her curiously, Connan placed a hand over her mouth and leaned against the wall.

_I hate myself. _She thought. _I almost became what I've been so worried sick about becoming. I was _this close _to actually—to—_She took a deep, faltering breath. _I can't even _think_ it!_

"Guys," She started. "I'm so, _so_—"

Jolee wrapped his arms around her and pulled Connan into a tight hug. Without hesitating, Connan returned the gesture, gripping him tightly.

"Do. Not. Apologize." Jolee stressed. "That was low of her. Exploiting your emotions about your past life and then trying to press the Dark Side into you while you were not expecting it? Not even a _true _Sith would have done that."

"What do you mean, 'trying to press the Dark Side into her'?" Juhani asked, frowning.

Jolee looked over at the confused Cathar. "Surely you felt it. Bastila was using their bond to try and press her Dark Side influence onto Connan. Call it a Force Persuade, but it's more complicated than that." Adjusting his grip on the horrified Jedi in his arms, he continued. "Had she succeeded she would have basically brainwashed Connan into becoming Revan again."

Connan pulled away from Jolee, still looking ashamed and nauseated, as if she hadn't heard Jolee at all. _I nearly killed them. _She thought. _I was seriously considering it._

Standing up straight, Connan made her way to the other side of the roof. "Let's get this field turned off and get the hell out of here."

"Connan?" Juhani asked, taking a step forward and reaching out a hand, as if to pull Connan back to them. "Are you all right?"

Connan took an unsteady breath and looked around. "No, but thanks for asking."

**XXXXX**

**I know, I know. I've been gone for a while. I burned out. My mind drew a blank. Extreme writer's block. Mass Effect 2 saved me.**

**I should actually update ESB this Sunday, too. I'm going to try my hardest to get that done. I always lose my concentration toward the ends of these stories.**

**And based on my playlist, it looks like I have four more chapters to go. So fourteen chapters in all. That's a lot more than the 5 I predicted at the beginning. ^.^;;**

… … … …**.And my internet is now down, so I can't update this when I finish it at 8:09 this morning. Ah, well. It's the thought that counts. **

_**Amme Moto**_


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